tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4101687084935005282024-03-13T21:55:29.143-07:00Suburban AutisticsOne Autistic family's patch of suburban sky.Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.comBlogger50125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-87004378210533644022023-06-24T01:31:00.013-07:002023-06-29T19:08:31.353-07:00Part Four - Childism is Not the Escape Route<p> Part Four</p><p>I have been fortunate to have been trusted with the stories of many children and families who have been significantly damaged by institutionalised care. Many families have lost children. Others have fought so much for their child to be able to exist peacefully within it, often involving lawyers, legislation research and a parent navigating significant red tape to ensure those spending time with their child are accountable and not able to get away with discrimination (or, are able to get away with less discrimination). Those are not my stories to tell or to share here. They are very powerful though. They prove that institutionalised care must never be considered neutral. We must remain vigilant in assessing it and in deciding whether to use it, and how to use it. We must not erase these families because we are listening to more glamorous think pieces or to people who have no business discussing this topic in the ways they do. </p><p>I can share my own personal story of how I believe daycare and school would have seriously harmed my multiply neurodivergent child, who is now a teenager, though. It is why I know first hand and with clarity that institutionalised care, organised by the government and reflecting the wider society within which it exists; is never neutral and always oppressive. It is just a matter of whether that degree of oppression is going to completely crush your child and/or family, or if you have enough privilege in other ways that you'll be okay even in that inherently oppressive environment. And compared to wider society and how much of a factor performing the work that institutionalised care would have provided, might be to your life. These are like delicate mathematical formulas, adding up and subtracting parts of our lives within the backdrop of a violent society. I<i>f the truck is travelling at 80km/hr, your child has 3 factors of marginalisation and you have 2; how much violence can they endure at school before it will break them? </i>The most marginalised families will be the ones who may be stuck between a rock and a hard place in the end. If all of us require to weigh up whether it is worth it, utilising our own complex mixtures of marginalisation and privileges; noone has any business to claim that it is neutral or to position alternatives as inherently oppressive and dangerous. In my life and with my child, the opposite is true. This is the case for many. At the same time, many marginalised families have opted to use institutionalised care at personal cost of constant need for decompression from the violence it causes and with constant advocacy to counter it. Both of these are evidence that it is not neutral and should not be claimed to be. I suspect the trauma and stress levels of parents requiring to constantly advocate for their child in institutionalised care, would be high. This is not neutral and if we think carefully we can guess which families this will be happening to. If we claim to care about women, are we really going to claim that their trauma and stress with this constant advocacy; is their path to escaping oppression? Is this not oppression actively getting them?</p><p>When my child was born, it was after a difficult pregnancy with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. It was a blur. Due to my own marginalisation factors, I wasn't able to access appropriate medical support for the pregnancy. I tried but young neurodivergent poor unmarried pregnant women aren't seen favourably by the medical system. We aren't supposed to be alive at all according to the eugenenicist foundation of my society. To those people with an audience who write about how women are making their own oppression by questioning Institutionalised Care, pray tell me about your pregnancies and how your doctors treated you. Please tell me about your marginalisation factors (or lack thereof).</p><p>After my child's birth, it was clear their development was not typical. </p><p>By the age of 4, my child could count past 10 000. I imagine they could go on and on, having accurately recognised the patterns up to the ten thousands but I didn't test my child or try to find out for sure so I'm uncertain. They knew a lot about dinosaurs. Their memory was incredible. They were unable to hold a pencil. They would gag and become distressed any time their teeth were brushed so I stopped doing it. I talked to a dentist about this who told me that this would go away if I scheduled this into a routine. This is certainly false but I'm not a dentist, so my knowledge was considered worthless in comparison to this unbacked up belief. It was based on the stereotype/falsity of autistic people being married to routine rather than seeing the truth and complexity of them, or seeing their legitimate pain or sensory pathways when diverging from typical. The idea that we would ignore discomfort or distress that is so clearly right there and very real, by putting it into a routine, is violent (would absolutely cause extreme distress) as well as ridiculous. They could not use cutlery. They could not eat skilfully or use their tongue as expected and food would fall from their mouth. They dropped food frequently. They could not speak clearly at the typical age but had significantly skilled communication. Their speech was unclear because their mouth wasn't skilled at forming the words correctly. They moved mostly all day. They did not sit in chairs. They ate standing up or moving around. When spoken to, they did not appear to be listening but retained all of what was communicated. They could not turn book pages without ripping them. They had less sensation on their skin than expected and seemed to not feel pain in expected ways. They frequently felt hot when noone else did. They didn't like clothes. They didn't want their hair touched or brushed. They didn't enjoy their face being cleaned. They had favourite clothes and didn't want to wear any other kinds. They didn't want to wear shoes. </p><p>At the age of 4, this child would have been the age where I live, for compulsory full time schooling. Their birthday would have made them the youngest in their class. Had my child attended local public school (it was also during a housing crisis after the Global Financial Crisis of 2007 so the difficulties in finding rentals may have disrupted the stability of schooling), the areas for them that a school would have focussed on would have been Pencil Grip, sitting down at a desk and for "mat time" (sitting still and cross legged on a rug on the floor with adults observing and enforcing Whole Body Listening), counting to ten, drawing and writing, and learning phonics. If my child had attended and alternative school such as Steiner or Montessori, the ableism embedded in these forms of schooling where I live, would not have been an improvement on a local public school. The way my child's care and education would have been approached, would have been entirely at odds with the needs my child had for learning and for play. </p><p>Had my child received accurate diagnoses in a timely fashion, their lack of Intellectual Disability and the presence of a High IQ would have significantly complicated the limited support they may have been entitled to at a school in this time period.<i> If</i> an IQ test would have been able, at this time, to ascertain my child's high IQ (doubtful). The concept of IQ is violent and awful however this is the best language I have for describing the clash of my child's ways of being, with school. My child may have been assumed to have had an Intellectual Disability and been recommended for segregated education settings with significant violence and human rights problems, or perhaps would have been shunted here regardless of their perceived intellectual ability but based on the other factors of their development. (No child should be in segregated settings of this nature). If I had gone to work at this time, I would have been paying others to enact ableism and childism against my child. I assume that trying to drop my child off at a school would have been horrible for both of us. I assume they would have felt entirely unsafe there and wouldn't have had the capacity to express that to me in so many words. I can't imagine that schooling the way it exists now, would have offered my child extension for their advanced mathematical abilities. Would they have even acknowledged or noticed that my child had them? If my child displayed trauma from what was happening to them, I would have been paying professionals (with their own ableism and childism) to try to untangle what was going on from within their own lens. <i>If </i>there weren't wait lists. <i>If</i> I could have afforded the fees. I highly doubt someone would have said to me - <i>Ah yes, we see your child has disabilities which have led to them becoming victim to the inbuilt intersecting violence within school and which is embedded into the entire education system including teacher training; which has led to them becoming traumatised from an unsafe environment which sets them up to fail while blaming them for their lack of success</i>. I would have been paying for my child to be oppressed and damaged. I would have been paying people to harm them, while I worked for someone else in order to pay for that, and yet I would not have harmed them if I had been doing the care. At the same time I would be been constantly needing to fight with those providing this terrible care. My work would have been significantly impacted. I would have been dealing with the smokes and mirrors that schools utilise for self protection and what allows them to continue to harm children while their families stay confused and on the back foot. They may have lied about things they'd done. They likely would've framed my child as a problem, resulting in other children stigmatising and ostracising and othering and dehumanising them. My child would have been shown that their needs were less than others; they would have been told they are a problem for their natural trajectory of development. The school would likely have not recognised their skills. They very likely would not have believed me that they had the skills and knowledge they did indeed have. I would not have been seen as competent and an expert on my child. I possess the disabilities that teachers see as such an "epidemic". They likely would have framed me as deluded for believing my child was beautiful, competent, and worthy of respect. Meanwhile peddling a system that has, not only nothing to offer me and my child, but also would have been harmful. Teachers are the ones with Education degrees, not me; why would I think I know anything? </p><p>So, to me the writing was on the wall. What parent would allow this to happen to their child if they saw these systems clearly? I didn't allow any of this to play out. I never placed my child into any kind of Institutionalised Care. I took responsibility for supporting them to navigate this childist and ableist world without enacting any of that onto them. I breathe a sigh of relief to read that back. Oh, what my child could have lost. Oh, what violence their life could have been. Oh, how Institutionalised Care would have broken my gentle, curious, joyful, loving, child. My family had a lucky escape.</p><p>I later became a victim of Domestic Violence. My kids and I suffered because of the abuse of a jealous entitled man who weaponised my care of my disabled children to enact this abuse. It was highly intelligent and calculated. I will fight back against any suggestions that women like me have brought this onto ourselves or should not support others to keep their kids safe from Institutionalised Care because it can be weaponised by men. I did not cause this violent society and I did not cause male violence. My child is safe and I will not have to work into the future to heal trauma or mental illness which would have been caused by Institutionalised Care. Having a disabled child to love and protect, I would have had to do the work no matter which path I chose. My child is better off having seen their mother navigate and fight back against Domestic Violence; having seen first hand what systems exist around us, than they are having experienced institutionalised care without care and scaffolding, as a multiply neurodivergent young child. That system is crushing to children. I can see that my child is better off. I can feel the joy and happiness within my family. The entitlement of men is only one danger for me and my children; and if I have to choose then this one has been the easiest to navigate out of all the options. </p><p>Truthfully, it was far harder to escape my abusive mother, who stalked me and attempted to discredit me in the eyes of other family and mutual friends in order to protect her reputation. It was harder to deal with the abusive communication and tendencies of my alcoholic mother in law. It was easier than having Hyperemesis Gravidarum as a disabled young adult and being denied appropriate health care. It was easier than learning to breastfeed multiple children within a society that stigmatises breastfeeding and insisted on sexualising me at every moment. It was harder experiencing a rental crisis with four children at a time when my partner's workplace folded for the same economic reasons that caused the crisis. It was easier than being targeted by the Police who saw my disabled child (the child I have written about) active the community during school hours and decided that home education wasn't for poor or disabled people and that they would abuse their power to try to stop me doing it. It was easier than being homeless and living in a tent in the caravan park in winter. It was easier than renting and having owners not replace broken things like ovens, and not fix mould problems, threaten false poor future references if I wasn't compliant to unlawful requests, or withhold bond hoping I would give up trying to rightfully get it back if they made it traumatic enough. Other people with their individual privilege, don't get to decide what other families and other peoples' children need or how each of us navigate the risk factors we all have in life dependent on our specific families. There are generalisations that noone is qualified to make. At the very least, the lack of neutrality once again holds up. No story of success in institutionalised care, will sway that it is complex and never neutral. <i>The fact of failure existing at all is proof of non neutrality no matter any other positive outcomes.</i></p><p>My child was left unpunished, unharmed, and loved fully. My child learned joyfully all the time and played with love and care for others. My child was in <i>no therapy of any kind</i> as I didn't believe any of them from the time were suitably respectful and nonviolent for my child, and I believed it would impact their optimal development based on the Science of how and why children thrive (or not). I am constantly accused of not understanding the therapies I have rejected. This isn't true. I suspect those doing the accusing know it isn't true but nonetheless feel pulled to gatekeep. I believe therapy of certain kinds can come under the category of Institutionalised Care depending on who is doing the regulating and which therapy it is. I understand the therapy options deeply and I also understand that childism is embedded therein. My child has been gifted an education that money couldn't have bought. This has elevated my child beyond the trauma that many of their peers have instead received. This has produced less work for me and my child in the long term, and provides more of a chance of success and well being for my child for the remainder of their life; than any other option would have. This is never as simple as calculating any labour involved (this labour happened in the early years instead of the later ones or instead of through advocacy within institutions that held great power over my child's wellbeing), or lost income (again, this lost income was in the early years rather than later on in response to serious trauma and my child hence requiring a carer to support them or because the work of advocacy was too great). There is a big picture here which can't be ignored and will be individualised based on each family. There may be no right or wrong if we are talking of survival choices. We are just trying to get by and thrive as much as possible. </p><p>Nevertheless, <i>claims of neutrality must be challenged.</i></p><p><i><br /></i></p><p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYYUgT7pT5J9VIzQipcSOMIwd0vpvyq0oPs9iIanzsSr2ZQL0DTuogOct_K3UY99Nf6vdYGSCBY9iErFvaUWo5fJqmDJ2zxxkYV5bAfmwHvIPdAdFIhjBFEl6v6pQxsrbJ1C1xhTHhXrwchifUjKcQMthkhlMx0iHjajf2zGOP9JfS2LagKtUoSmnlz9Y5/s1600/353748748_954058528979783_5739561718010363729_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1066" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYYUgT7pT5J9VIzQipcSOMIwd0vpvyq0oPs9iIanzsSr2ZQL0DTuogOct_K3UY99Nf6vdYGSCBY9iErFvaUWo5fJqmDJ2zxxkYV5bAfmwHvIPdAdFIhjBFEl6v6pQxsrbJ1C1xhTHhXrwchifUjKcQMthkhlMx0iHjajf2zGOP9JfS2LagKtUoSmnlz9Y5/w213-h320/353748748_954058528979783_5739561718010363729_n.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image is a barefoot, shirtless child with mud on them. </td></tr></tbody></table><br /><i><br /></i><br /><br /></p><div><p><br /></p></div><div><br /></div>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-25341887804074874132023-06-20T01:37:00.054-07:002023-06-25T05:04:01.139-07:00Part Three - Childism is Not the Escape Route<p><b>Introduction </b></p><p>This is Part Three in a series where I have explained why Institutionalised Care for children (daycare and school) isn't neutral because it will have elements of violence embedded within it due to existing within a wider society and hence reflecting that. I have focussed on childism because while childism exists everywhere then it also exists in the places that claim to be best for children and in the places in charge of caring for children. The presence of childism calls into question these statements, beliefs, or assumptions of institutionlised care being the best place for children to be. They may, after weighing up multiple factors, be the best place for some or many, children to be. They may be the only possible place for many children to be within our present capitalist society. But we must continue to check on the rights and wellbeing of children. We should never be so intellectually lazy as to generalise that Institutionalised Care is neutral or benevolent. Whatever conclusion we could hypothetically come to about any complexities involved, my aim in these questions is to show that the complexity and uncertainty makes Institutionalised Care not a neutral thing and not able to be gifted an assumption of goodness or benevolence. Childism exists everywhere in present society until antichildism is implemented. This includes Institutionalised Care.</p><p><br /></p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGxCW5cz79A7veKLv4G0dROlzcwXpabAcAxp44IqyUZ271cuX70YCJ-QXCQ72ITPgjbM76KfVWZEytxGh18X2Um4O9AlIkgUMa5Vbz5YyH7AJ2IjuY-69Sx89hroLjjtylQT2-FS3XliVm5d9gF9IvmY3YctGLYKPMhCsSig4yWUDxt3_qKV77FZF-pdW6/s1980/354271727_290072873462536_3195318280092656194_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1980" data-original-width="1485" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGxCW5cz79A7veKLv4G0dROlzcwXpabAcAxp44IqyUZ271cuX70YCJ-QXCQ72ITPgjbM76KfVWZEytxGh18X2Um4O9AlIkgUMa5Vbz5YyH7AJ2IjuY-69Sx89hroLjjtylQT2-FS3XliVm5d9gF9IvmY3YctGLYKPMhCsSig4yWUDxt3_qKV77FZF-pdW6/s320/354271727_290072873462536_3195318280092656194_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I have shared another photo of myself (as I did for Part One and Part Two) from not knowing what other image to share in these parts. Image is me smiling at the camera - a white woman with brown hair.</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p><b>Childism manifesting as lack of emotional understanding in children.</b></p><p>When I had my children, without knowing this language of "childism" or even "oppression" or "social violence"; I recognised these things as laying in wait to harm my children if I wasn't vigilant and mindful. Perhaps because I had just been a child who mindfully experienced childism and recognised when facets of it were being mitigated (or caused) by adults; I analysed my society as a mother, concluding it to be a minefield full of violence awaiting my children. I felt that others were ignorant, deliberately participatory, or had normalised this without question. I had just been through a pregnancy where I was worried about my baby thriving while I had untreated Hyperemesis Gravidarum. I saw that people really didn't care about the wellbeing of my baby. I was capable of understanding my own privilege as an adult. I accepted the power imbalance between children and their parent; and chose to take great care with it. I accepted that I was childist because it was a systemic problem and noone could be immune. This allowed me to make every attempt to learn anti childism. This led to me assessing the childism awaiting in the society my children were born within. It led to me witnessing childist practices and becoming the barrier in between my children and those. I witnessed how other people reacted when I did that. I witnessed what happened when I thoughtfully and carefully explained myself to others. I saw the responses when I explained what I had chosen for my child. I saw what people did when I acted as the barrier between their violence and my child. I didn't realise the presence of gatekeeping until I saw it in full flight across many years and situations. I saw, with careful analysis, critical thinking, and investigation; that childism was pervasive and like a social wide rot. </p><p>I want to show an example of something which shows childism and demonstrate its existence systemically. In this, I aim to show that childism exists, that it is harmful, and hence that it will will harm children unless we fight for them by addressing it. This ties into Institutionalised Care not being neutral. How could it be if there is any harm involved? Even if a family decides it worth it in a cost benefit analysis; neutral it cannot be. If it isn't antichildist then what is it if not a compliant cog participating in the childism machine? Nothing violent and discriminatory could fairly claim that it is good or neutral for the group which would receive this violence. Institutionalised Care is never neutral. To imply or treat it as such is at best an utter failure to protect children and at worst, participation in harming children.</p><p>The example I've chosen, is something which fails to consider/honour Child Development (a branch in the manifestation of childism) and which then uses the preferences and convenience for adults; to enact harm onto children. It centres around a failure to interpret the impacts of their developmental capabilities and brain stage in terms of Child Development, in response to their actions. It affects children at birth, with their parents, in childcare, in medical care, when experiencing their community, at school, and with one another.</p><p>I have chosen- <b>the assumption that children's emotions aren't there unless we see them in ways we have pre determined are ways that we approve of</b>. In other words, we don't acknowledge the emotions of children unless they appear to us in specific ways. Adults decide whether to humanise a child and recognise their emotions, rather than this being allowed for every child. We may, or some may, know they are there but if we aren't appropriately responsive to these emotions the outcome is as though they weren't there. This is perceived by children as either, their emotions are not relevant and won't be responded to or, that their emotions are dangerous to express and will result in their harm at the hands of adults if they are expressed (or both). Any of those outcomes harms the development of a child and hence can be seen as violent.</p><p dir="ltr">I have thought a lot about the language we tend to use around children and various parenting choices. I think this particular assumption underpins a lot of further decision making. We could take common social parenting decisions and this would likely be a foundational assumption underpinning many of them. The assumption of no emotions present unless an adult can see it there, is false. If adults don't tend to or respond to the emotions of children until they make life difficult to them (until they have to), then we are not tending to children and their needs but are in fact tending to our own. If we act out that the only things that matter are things we personally notice and/or find value in, then this is part of discrimination against children. We are showing in our actions that children aren't humanised and are being considered as property and as subjugated below adults. Our every action is demonstrating our violence and discrimination. </p><p dir="ltr">I will show some examples of how this plays out. </p><p dir="ltr"><b>Infants</b></p><p dir="ltr"><i>Babies who are sleep trained with controlled crying (or other descriptive language which is a euphemism to cover up that it is controlled crying by another name, or names).</i> This is a process by which a parent or carer progressively stretches out a time in which they will respond to a baby when they are aware the baby is seeking their presence and comfort. It leverages the want/need for connection and physical comfort from a carer, and trains the baby out of expecting it. Does this sound like an abusive relationship to you? Does this seem to resemble grooming behaviour where someone is trained to slowly remove their boundaries and change their expectations? Yes? That is because it does resemble it. It has the same framework. (If we were to go wider at this point in our consideration of violence against childen; we could question whether we are training our babies for future violent relationships by not respecting their lack of enthusiastic consent). Maybe in this situation with this training they will eventually give up crying or trying to get the attention of their carer. The common assumption then seems to be, <i>oh my baby isn't sad or stressed because my baby didn't cry any more.</i> The assumption is,</p><p dir="ltr">crying = sad, </p><p dir="ltr">and no crying = going well. </p><p dir="ltr">I would like to invite anyone reading this, to think more closely about that assumption. It is also a false dichotomy. If we assume that connection was/is a need and that a baby stops expressing it when trained by a carer in this manner, can we fairly say that the need has gone away? I think the best outcome we can conclude based on the evidence, is that this need never went away. This means that development is being negatively interrupted and taken off track of what is required for optimal health and wellbeing of that baby. </p><p dir="ltr">I would also call this assumption into question at this time. Do parents who are aware their baby seeks their presence, <i>really</i> believe their baby is happy upon not receiving it? Or, is there simply more focus on the adult's convenience, wants, or needs? Either way, I am centring children here as a deliberate practice, so from the perspective of a child - the outcome is the same whether this is on purpose, with good intentions, or due to a wider mindset or wider goals of a parent. The impact on the child, isn't affected by the reason a parent has for this behaviour. (Any centring of adults is a diversion from the needs of children. We need to mindfully bring children to the centre if we are to accurately check on them and guard their human rights). This behaviour and situation goes against developmental needs and will hence negatively impact upon a child. The lack of responsiveness to babies crying in scenarios beyond this example (for instance, the stereotype of babies crying in the hospital nursery while their parent rests peacefully), shows us other evidence of this lack of care for the emotions of infants. It is society wide. </p><p dir="ltr">Pinky McKay has written something beautiful about "controlled crying" from 2014. It is called <i>When baby sleep training goes wrong- the risks of controlled crying.</i> A standout quote from that is "Although many baby sleep trainers claim there is no evidence of harm from practices such as controlled crying, there is a vast difference between ‘no evidence of harm’ and ‘evidence of no harm’." This article is great to seek out and read. <a href="https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.pinkymckay.com/amp/when-baby-sleep-training-goes-wrong-the-risks-of-controlled-crying/">Click here to see this article.</a> Pinky has done beautiful work for children, including protecting them from physical punishment.</p><p dir="ltr"><b>Daycare</b></p><p dir="ltr"><i>Another example is daycare</i> (an an entity and as the way it is accessible to most). I am writing based on my country of Australia. Staff seem to always be telling parents, <i>Oh don't worry, your child stopped crying as soon as you left</i>. I have heard this so many times. I'm sure this is an industry norm. The implication is that this is proof that the child is happy, fine, has no sadness. I can't work out if everyone believes this, if it is society wide delusion to make adults feel better, or if it is simply a marketing strategy for daycare centres. Whatever reason - the needs of the child are not being centred here or maybe even considered. This is also framed as manipulation on the part of the child - expression of emotion being seen as a malicious attempt to trick a parent that the child has a need. This one I believe has grown because daycare is hugely profitable. I am highly suspicious of this industry. It is massive! The government also pays a lot toward daycare. I see new daycare centres opening up regularly. Most centres have wait lists. I'm curious about the profits being made. I am interested to see statistics to show the growth of this industry. I am suspicious because of the rise of daycare as an industry that now is used by so many families of all kinds of dynamics, and by how much money I know it is generating. Anything that profitable, wants to continue its profitability. This cannot be neutral. No business can be, especially one raking in the profits that daycares now are. Especially not a government controlled one.</p><p dir="ltr">Parents are the clients, within a childist culture - not the children. I believe that needs mindfulness to examine. To be clear, I support childcare. I support free childcare and accessible childcare. I support women to have options for childcare that doesn't involve just them doing all the care. I support the government paying for safe child care. At the same time, I support the growth of childism informed care - better care, not no care. I believe every area that involves children, requires deconstruction based on the childism therein. The growth of an industry with unchecked childism within it, needs investigation. I also support the movement toward people opting out if the understanding of the system allows information that leads to that. Obscuring information can't allow for proper consent. If institutionalised care isn't neutral, then many will find the risks too great to justify its usage. This suggests there is a lack of knowledge about childism and this industry, rather than it being a neutral gift to parents. We cannot appropriately care for children if we don't see the things that could harm them. Whether many people do continue to utilise Institutionalised Care is beside the point. We can't get by without it so this will continue to happen. However, we have begun to believe as a society, that such care is neutral. If this foundational belief is false then we cannot trust the things which come after. We require to understand the society within which we live and which does harm children. We require information to scaffold our child's participation in care. The accumulating harm is reflected in statistics of poor mental health and in anecdotes of struggling children.</p><p dir="ltr">In this situation about daycare culture, I believe it is clear that a child ceasing crying has experienced no return to a calm state or to a content and okay state, in terms of what we would look for regarding overall peaceful feelings and allowing the development of positive mental health that spans a lifetime. All that happened here, is the child lost their safe person. They have realised that there is no point in crying or communicating their distress or needs- because their parent won't come back and they won't have their needs met no matter if they cry. It is so convenient that everyone believes this, allowing daycares to keep thriving and often off the back of this false assumption. </p><p dir="ltr"><b>School</b></p><p dir="ltr"><i>It continues on with school. </i>Any child who already experienced daycare, has already learned their emotional or other needs won't be met there. So, why bother expressing them? There is not necessarily good evidence that children are actually calm, only that they aren't actively protesting and are behaving compliantly. The rising anxiety and depression we see at the same time, suggests in fact that children are not at all calm.</p><p dir="ltr">For anyone to honestly be addressing the emotional health or the emotional state of children at any given time, there need to be multiple markers and close observation of them in a holistic manner and also day to day, week to week, tracking this respectfully over time. Deciding that you see nothing so therefore it isn't there; is certainly not enough. It is also dangerous. Believing that somebody's experience only matters or has value when we agree with our own marking system that we invented ; is violence. It is the marker of social oppression, when someone's norm or someone's life and needs; is invisible due to occurring outside of the parameters decided upon by the dominant group. Deciding that literal emotions or pain do not exist! if we cannot measure them comfortably- is terrifying. Schools have a job to do and that is to manage classrooms full of children and try to make them compliant to accepting the workload demanded of them within a school. It makes sense that this comes with a cost. Is this cost Childism? I believe, absolutely, in many ways.</p><p dir="ltr"><b>What is the alternative to this emotional repression?</b></p><p dir="ltr">On the flip side of this, children who are allowed to express emotions and have these received respectfully by a caregiver, will continue to express their emotions and seek comfort well beyond the time that repressing children do. My teenagers cry and seek comfort; it is natural for them. This protects them significantly and allows them to continue to build a rich emotional world that many adults can't even fathom. I say "on the flip side" because anyone used to mainstream parented children will be shocked and confused to see an older child cry and seek comfort. They often try to interfere or incorrectly address a problem when there isn't one. </p><p dir="ltr">In their world, if a repressed child eventually reaches a point where they have tried to repress for so long (often, years!) but eventually has such a breakdown that everything comes spilling out in huge distress; this is an emergency. In my world, this is not what my crying child is doing at all. It is not an emergency but a sign of health and connection with themselves and their carers. My children didn't get trained to repress and their emotional health has remained intact all along.</p><p dir="ltr">I have experienced being framed as failing to meet my childrens' emotional needs because they may cry, articulate their difficult emotions, or bounce their feelings off me knowing I am safe and a non violent person to do that with. In reality, those causing and maintaining these environments of repression are the ones who have failed children. They have failed to support them adequately emotionally, and to allow/aid them to build a deep emotional understanding to support them for life.</p><p dir="ltr"><b>How do children and families get initiated into these practices? Is there gatekeeping? Do we victim blame women who question Institutionalised Care?</b></p><p dir="ltr">If we linked this back to institutionalised care, how might this influence a child who hadn't been forced to repress their emotions years before? What power does concern about children who don't show the signs of long term institutionalised care, have? How do those within institutionalised care, react to children who haven't been successfully initiated into it? What about families who try to avoid being initiated into it? What can, or does, happen to families who have emotionally healthy (hence unusual) children? What happens if families notice or point out, even try to stop, this kind of (or any?) childism, within institutionalised care? Is this risky for them? How do those working within or running institutionalised care, respond to families noticing childism or violence? If gatekeeping is required to continue these processes, what does gatekeeping in institutionalised care look like? Are some families or children more likely to be harmed by norms within institutionalised care? If all institutionalised care is childist and harmful to an extent, what happens when we add other oppression into this care? What happens if children have other oppression factors upon them? How is this harm or potential harm amplified? How much are parents required to protect their children from childism combined with other factors upon their children? How much fight do some families require to put in for their child to have safe participation in Institutionalised Care? Do some families have children with limited oppression factors (or even none) beyond childism? How is their experience of Institutionalised Care different to a more marginalised child? How many suicides might we blame on institutionalised care? </p><p dir="ltr">Is it okay for a family to accurately see the violence their child is experiencing and make attempts to remove themselves to keep themselves safer than had they not done this? Who decides whether this was "legitimate" or whether this family is participating in their own oppression? Who do we trust to decide that? Should we listen to the feminists who leave out children and who chastise those working toward the rights of children? If we hear stories about women who were victims of male violence, will we see the complex factors underneath or will we blame the lack of Institutionalised Care that "could have" saved them from becoming victims? Is this the same structure as things we usually recognise as victim blaming, or deflection away from the true perpetrators? Why don't we call a spade a spade here? Is it because it involves children and certain people would prefer to keep their rights at the bottom of things? </p><p dir="ltr">I see this assumption everywhere - that no crying or protesting, or that there is compliance; means a happy child in the absence of signs that are associated with distress. If we had instead measured properly the anxiety or stress levels of those children or what was happening internally; I believe we would be scared at what we are doing society wide. We would rethink this big assumption. I believe we cannot run any more. All the mental illness and disconnect occurring, is going to force this to be addressed.</p><p dir="ltr"><b>Disability and therapy</b></p><p dir="ltr"><i>This crosses over into disability culture and rights, specifically for autistic children and Applied Behavioural Analysis</i>. In the markers used in ABA, this process is very similar. Success is compliance. There is no real measure of reasons for certain behaviours or expressions of distress, as gauged by lack of engagement with autistic adults to hear the information of their experiences. No longer expressing or doing something, is success in this world. There is no measure of mental wellbeing of the children involved or a holistic look at WHY they may be doing something or WHY it looks different than a non autistic child. Any statistics which suggest autistic children are at risk of mental ill health and social isolation, are then explained away as innate "symptoms" of autism rather than the ways we have been interacting with autistic children across childhood and how they have experienced institutionalised care that isn't actively anti ableist or anti childist and which presently has no capacity to be.</p><p dir="ltr">So I think this topic is like a web and goes across many layers of our childist society at present. I believe it is quite clear that there is a lot to consider and that institutionalised care has many questions surrounding it.</p><p dir="ltr"><b>Is questioning institutionalised care anti feminist?</b></p><p dir="ltr">In my world, there is significant work involved in creating and maintaining that kind of environment in which the emotions of children are allowed to be and to grow and to become understood through practice and discussion. This part so often honed in on as a reason not to do it or as a reason why discussing the needs of children within a family, is anti feminist. I feel that sentence could show the issues therin. If children's needs are inherently anti feminist, then what is feminism? If anyone who births children and cares about their rights is anti feminist, then what is someone who births children and doesn't care about their rights? If the needs of a more marginalised group is viewed through a lens of competing with the more powerful group - what is this? Is this feminism? I believe, certainly not. This is not feminism. This is a participation in oppression of children and disguising it through language that will allow it to get through unchecked.</p><p dir="ltr">Doing so much work in the early years? Why would anyone when daycare is cheap and you could be working and saving so much money? When you would be stupidly ignoring the chance to pave your way to some liberation within this patriarchal, sexist society? You'd choose instead to put yourself into a poverty prison of your own making, making you more vulnerable to the violence of the culture? </p><p dir="ltr">But this is a very short term (and inaccurate) look at the situation, to my perception. Avoiding much of that unequal, unpaid work of early years parenting may seem easier at the time or like a way to escape from social violence. But perhaps it comes with its own costs. I believe we all pay the price when our children aren't nurtured. Because none of us are free until all of us are. There is simply no way to discard the needs of children and claim to be acting toward equality or feminism. We may be doing something, but surely it can't be fairly claimed that we are doing it for children. There is also the implication that work for our children is "dumb", dysfunctional, or subservient; while the paid workforce is automatically held in higher esteem regardless of any factors within those decisions. I believe this comes from childism and how children and their wellbeing are not valued and so, neither are those who care for them.</p><p dir="ltr">We all have already been paying for the high rates of serious mental illness occurring in young people. Who cares for young people when they aren't managing normal life? What cost will we place on suicide? Who are the types of young people being affected the most? Is this linked to the social violence and factors of oppression and risk that we see in wider society? Is institutionalised care recreating and continuing wider social inequality? Does this make these care options, more dangerous for some than others? With institutionalised care being touted as The Great Equaliser, what if we are wrong? What if we have been lied to? Equaliser for who? Are some of us, like Animal Farm, more equal than others? </p><p dir="ltr">If institutionalised care stops being given a free pass as a Neutral force, a gift designed to free us - where would we be? Would all our arguments fall apart? Would we still put all our children there? Would we more clearly see which families aren't safe there? Would we wonder whether our children were really safe instead of assuming they are? Would we take steps to evaluate things more thoroughly, including in a long term perspective; rather than assuming the early years while children might protest is all we really need to bother about? Who said institutionalised care was so wonderful in the first place? Where is the evidence?</p><p dir="ltr">Could it be that the very parents who were navigating the inequality of parenting norms in the early years to the best of their ability by utilising institutionalised care; are the ones paying later anyway, due to this same social structure? Will women be still here, disproportionately the caregivers around the manifestations of this issue in families? Could it be that they didn't escape the work at all? Could it be that marginalised families are more at risk from violence within daycare, school, and therapy than others; creating more work again for marginalised women? Who cares for a mentally ill teenager, or teenagers? Who picks up the pieces if childism crushed a child down to the point of breaking?<br /><br />If a white woman in a marriage is saying, "noone should be a SAHM and I know because I even have a neurodivergent child who goes to school", what place will we give this person to understand the topic? If attempts to discuss the rights of children at the same time are called "classist" and "ableist", does this make it true? How do we get to the bottom of this? How do we stop so-called feminists enacting lateral violence onto others while claiming to be doing the opposite? How do these people respond to women who are now caring for children with serious mental illness? Are they still being good capitalists getting approval, and keeping themselves safe from oppression within a patriarchal society?<br /><br />If someone with disability or chronic trauma doesn't go to work, what does this make them? Are they also making their own beds for invitations of violence from men, as apparently are the parents questioning Institutionalised Care and perhaps keeping their children out of it? Telling women to go to work to succeed in a capitalist society is not new or groundbreaking. Instructing privileged people in how to keep their privilege is not special. </p><p dir="ltr">We are only as strong as the most marginalised families. We are only as strong as collectives of stories and experiences. The arrogance and ignorance of assuming that institutionalised care is at least neutral and at most positive; is a problem in this discussion. If you have indeed experienced that institutionalised care is at least neutral; have you thought about why that is? Have you assumed that this is proof of all institutionalised care for all families being at least neutral, rather than that it is for <i>yours?</i> Did you investigate the factors which made it that way for you? Can you acknowledge that it may not be that way for all families? Can you acknowlegde that children kill themselves because of institutionalised care perpetuating violence against them? If you can - what business do any of us have to claim that institutionalised care is neutral? Suicide is neutral now? Trans and disabled kids in deep distress is neutral? <br /><br />If we examine the work in supporting children to attend institutionalised care also - this means we cannot fairly decide that it is neutral. Anything which creates work to manage, cant be neutral. </p><p dir="ltr">If we can accept the truth that institutionalised care is not at least neutral as something operating within the oppression of the society within which it exists; then we can no longer rely on it to be that which will free women from a patriarchal society.</p><p dir="ltr">Claiming that community caring for our children is self oppressive and classist, ableist, or anything else - is literally participatory in this culture that doesn't value children and that therefore doesn't value those who care for them. Having children or caring about their rights isn't the issue here. Our social support, opinion of, and beliefs about children; are. Claiming that an outsourcing of care so that women can join the rest of the capitalist structure around them free-er of their childcare responsibilities than before; is the exact same thing in a different form.</p><p dir="ltr"><i>Could this violent society have been the problem all along and not individual choices towards capitalism-affirming things? Could it be that none of us are free unless all of us are? </i>Including children and including families for whom school and therapy are even more violent and dangerous than for most. Including at risk children and families who are not safe in institutionalised care. Could it be that, school and daycare are not neutral or fixed; in measurements of their capacity to serve children and families? If school, therapy, and daycare are not neutral, does this change things?</p><p dir="ltr"><i>Does this change how we collectively evaluate these things or how we collectively attempt to protect women and children from violence?</i></p><p dir="ltr"><b>Who is being liberated?</b></p><p dir="ltr">This topic seems very big to me. We will not succeed in creating a peaceful society while we continue - as adults - to build our successes at the expense of children.</p><p dir="ltr">While we claim that a calm, happy adult (calmer from not addressing needs their children may have or calmer from distancing themselves from their children's needs in order to retain more of their adult privilege) inherently provides a child with what they need (another, perhaps false, assumption that underpins many further choices), <b>we are lying for our own convenience</b>. There is no way to work toward true liberation when children are the ones being pushed aside. The whole thing and this particular assumption about compliance meaning calm; is very convenient to adults. I believe it all can be explained by childism. Our world is not safe for children. When we look at adults claiming liberation; we must also ask - who is this at the expense of? What about children? </p><p dir="ltr"><br /></p><p><br /></p>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-21556518687627840892023-06-07T17:33:00.011-07:002023-06-25T05:03:39.438-07:00Part One and Part Two - Childism is Not the Escape Route <p><b>Part One</b></p><p><b>About, and About Me</b></p><p>This is Part One and Two of a series that I've been working on. Part Three has more information about myself, my life, and the things I've experienced which have lead me to some of these understandings. It will be shared soon. I decided to share what I have done so far, and I look forward to writing more about this. I wrote this because I have noticed (over many years, brought especially into the light when I birthed multiply neurodivergent children as a neurodivergent mother), that children are not shown significant attention in many civil rights spaces. I have increasingly noticed attempts by (usually white, able bodied, straight passing, cisgender, well educated) women; to use lateral violence against people who are advocating for the rights of children or who are bringing up or noticing the trend for children to be ignored in these spaces. These experiences accumulated, spurred me to write this post. </p><p>I have noticed particular tactics to silence or bring doubt upon the words for children; by pushing down anyone speaking up. I have seen tantrums and egos riling up when children are brought up as in need of protecting; weaponising classism, ableism and other things as deemed necessary to "win" the discussion, come out on top, and seem to know best about civil rights. This is gatekeeping. It isn't dissimilar to other areas where people speaking up against discrimination are silenced through various means, or are mocked or framed as ignorant or aggressive; for the purpose of encouraging others to not take the disruption attempt seriously. It hence seemed needed, for these words to be written to shed light on this from another perspective. I've spent my adult life trying to learn anti childism and building networks around this area. I'm very passionate, I truly care about children and am willing to use my adult privilege to protect them. So this is something I've noticed and paid attention to long term. I am not necessarily the best placed to speak about this; with my own limitations based on my personal privilege and profile. I am just the one who is able to do it right now. I will speak up because it seems needed and I believe I have the skillset. This is something I believe is extremely important. Children matter.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisHlglpZyWHwnrFJwlABeKWGJk0_hDFGwGYrBUGIt5e1UKUeSLDTayktch3zKRf1RY_3WMUHarpWbon-NZBezNHKvoJ8fbIB_Dc2FUSXFTnBGG1IlNh_T1dLpSebI18POA8IdiiZ8lW2auqkfvkIOtjfNmOyDjFRS-jwmbCltOT5KeCJIOhzgvZpQoyw/s1980/348379585_1634020403784142_8346011743901125354_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1980" data-original-width="1485" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEisHlglpZyWHwnrFJwlABeKWGJk0_hDFGwGYrBUGIt5e1UKUeSLDTayktch3zKRf1RY_3WMUHarpWbon-NZBezNHKvoJ8fbIB_Dc2FUSXFTnBGG1IlNh_T1dLpSebI18POA8IdiiZ8lW2auqkfvkIOtjfNmOyDjFRS-jwmbCltOT5KeCJIOhzgvZpQoyw/w240-h320/348379585_1634020403784142_8346011743901125354_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Image is of me, a white woman with brown hair and brown eyes.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQmGl8RiQ7r33JXYyJZMxyuRgX_M1OZIKgjCDCYSxuUB6hXkFe79BDwoBL64diwVUol1Ve5hd37Hv_UAg5V88pI0-miuoFt8l7FVQ21bsY-6ECw0DdU6cWsWVMLTlqWx6Z0sNWFAnuHeITe9DxxD4MSsv9MH6kuZi65u09rflO3ty-pZcvpHDMuEk3mg/s1980/348380442_636597018519044_8954308253154050073_n.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1980" data-original-width="1485" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQmGl8RiQ7r33JXYyJZMxyuRgX_M1OZIKgjCDCYSxuUB6hXkFe79BDwoBL64diwVUol1Ve5hd37Hv_UAg5V88pI0-miuoFt8l7FVQ21bsY-6ECw0DdU6cWsWVMLTlqWx6Z0sNWFAnuHeITe9DxxD4MSsv9MH6kuZi65u09rflO3ty-pZcvpHDMuEk3mg/s320/348380442_636597018519044_8954308253154050073_n.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">This is a second image of me. I'm wearing a glass necklace made by Family Tree Glass. The pendant represents an adult holding five children.</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><p style="text-align: center;"><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><b> I</b><b style="text-align: left;">ntroduction </b></div><p>I consider the topic of childism, sometimes called adultism, to be a foundational part of respectful parenting and addressing the rights of children, amidst various different ways of living. I define childism as <i>systemic discrimination against children as a group</i>. This results in children being placed at a social disadvantage across many categories, system wide and while they live and access their communities; due to their being a child. In a sense of fairness or how this applies to the general community, I believe that protecting children is everyone's business. Anyone who cares about civil rights in any manner, requires to include children in order that their goals be able to be recognised in their most complete form. There is no justice or fairness if we have continually (as has been a long term pattern) left out children or tokenised them. We must instead investigate the ways we dehumanise them, then untangle those. </p><p>The other part of childism (other side of the same coin), is that adults are privileged (children are not).</p><p><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Lydia Brown (Autistic Hoya) has described privilege in this way, in the article <a href="https://www.autistichoya.com/2012/08/privilege-and-myth-of-independence.html">Privilege and the Myth of Independence</a><b> -</b></span></span></p><p><span style="background-color: white;"><b><span style="font-family: inherit;">Privilege, which is discussed frequently in social justice and civil rights circles, is the sociological concept that the experiences of members of a dominant group or culture are expected and understood as the norm, which contributes both directly and indirectly to various forms of social ostracism, marginalization, and oppression of members of non-dominant or minority groups or cultures</span><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="font-size: 13.2px;">.</span></span></b></span></p><p>Considering children in traditional looking families, children in school, or whatever else has ended up happening within a family or community (since all of us are just existing within a mostly violent society where we can feel trapped within systems designed at our expense) - any adult can apply facets of respect for their kids, or for kids as a whole. Anyone can be the needed respectful force in their lives, supporting them as they navigate a world that is otherwise not respectful to children. This piece of writing isn't an attempt to encourage people to reject things which support them to manage family life, but to point out that it is reasonable to notice childism and to question how much we allow it to impact our children. If we are talking about the Science of neurobiology; it is also reasonable to reject things which can harm our children in ways we later on will not be able to undo. Children require to feel safe, attached to carergivers, and respected. This is not opinion but scientific fact - anything less would be a disruption to what is needed for healthy development. Children's brain don't know the intellectual beliefs you do or don't have. It doesn't matter to them if you believe you are fighting wider oppression or what your life goals are - their brains are concerned with whether their needs are being met, especially in their early years.</p><p>Understanding how violence against children exists around us and within systems of which we are a part; supports us to support them and to mitigate this. Knowing what we are up against, is the necessary first step to then being a barrier between childism and children. We are able to use our adult privilege to support children to navigate this culture. Furthermore, I believe it is the only thing to do if we are to begin addressing true social equity and a peaceful society within which everyone can thrive together. Children don't deserve to suffer so that adults can succeed at their expense. I don't believe I need to prove that- they deserve their human rights. We all can thrive together and we all should thrive together. Saying, <i>well that is lovely but real life isn't like that- </i>well neither is a world where women are safe from being murdered by their partners and ex partners, yet we are still doing work toward fixing that. Children deserve that too and by the way, they are frequently killed and abused by entitled adults. The first abuser for most children; is their mother. </p><p><b>Institutionalised Care and Childism </b></p><p>I have been meaning to write a post about this particular topic for a number of years. I'm not the only one or the first, and there is more work out there addressing this. I have learned from brilliant others and I am in their shadow. My knowledge has grown from the difficult work of others, many of whom have protected children from within their own marginalisations and who really had no choice about it. My knowledge is built from the families whose children would have died in institutionalised care had they gone, who have indeed died due to it, who have been denied access to their culture by the White Supremacy in schools, those families supporting traumatised and broken children while they too are traumatised and broken, and children who would have had their life trajectories significantly altered (for the worse) without the fierce advocacy from their family. All the amazing adults fighting for children within a violent world and accurately noticing social violence coming for kids- they deserve admiration and I want to acknowledge them. <i>At the heart; this is about the children that are, and the children we were. They deserve the world, and we did too. </i></p><p>When I discuss institutionalised care I mean daycare and school - the institutions in which small children are generally sent where I live in Australia; funded and controlled by the government.</p><p><i>The focus of this writing piece is - Institutionalised Care options for children and why we can't fairly consider that this option is neutral for either children or familie</i>s. If there is any risk of violence or harm from institutionalised care then it doesn't make logical sense to frame this as neutral. This cannot be. That doesn't necessarily mean it is inherently or overall bad, or that we wouldn't choose to use it; just that it can't be considered neutral. It is more complex than neutrality.</p><p dir="ltr">The title of this article, <i>Childism is Not the Escape Route</i>, refers to our collective reliance on institutionalised care to be the tool which frees us all. The fact that childism is embedded within it; means that it is not in fact, the neutral tool we may have believed it to be. I believe it is a trap, only operating as another participant to support that which we try to escape from. It functions to continue to enact childism which supports the thriving of wider social violence including violence against women. In fact, the first step in initiating children into the violent parts of their culture; is breaking them and detaching them from their caregivers. Children, is where it all begins. It also functions in providing different experiences for different parts of society, meaning it is an effective social tool of inequity; vulnerable children requiring to be either destroyed, or fought for by their families, or both. If we assume that children are important, that childism exists, and that protecting them supports the growth of social equity more widely; then we cannot consider institutionalised care to be a neutral tool toward this. We can consider it a tool, like anything else around us in our society which we may choose to utilise after weighing up options; but never a neutral one. There is far more complexity tied up within it; for neutrality to be possible.</p><p dir="ltr"><br /></p><p dir="ltr">***********************</p><p dir="ltr">Further parts of this piece have mentioned my own personal story. In these parts, I list people who began and inspired my studies about childism and with whom I credit much of my knowledge. I will list them here, in order that they are mentioned early on and right away. </p><p dir="ltr"><a href="https://www.google.com/amp/s/thegrio.com/2021/05/17/paddling-corporal-punishment-in-schools/amp/">Doctor Stacey Patton</a></p><p dir="ltr">bell hooks</p><p dir="ltr">Andrea Landry</p><p dir="ltr">Peter Gray</p><p dir="ltr">Alfie Kohn</p><p dir="ltr">Lenore Skenazy</p><p dir="ltr">Jan Hunt</p><p dir="ltr">John Holt</p><div>I want to point out that Stacey Patton, bell hooks and John Holt didn't or don't, have children of their own. Having children or not does not qualify someone or not, to speak about childism. Parents and carers are large perpetrators of abuse upon children. In fact, the conflicting access needs that seem to occur when parents navigate a society which harms them and their kids, and which harms them more because they have kids; could even predispose someone to participating in childism. The way institutionalised care providers are trained to punish children, is a red flag. If you are a parent or work with children, I am going to carefully interpret any knowledge you believe you have about the rights or inadequacy of children. You don't get a free pass to claim you're an expert, by any means. Protecting children is a case of their human rights. Being a parent or working with children is not a necessity to qualify someone to care about children and this is another one of those tactics that prevent the rights of children from being investigated. (Is giving those who abuse children the most, the only platform to speak on children's rights; gatekeeping? Or a ruse to deter from disruption?) Being a parent or working with children, in itself shouldn't be used as a marker to decide if someone is suitably placed to comment on the rights of children.</div><div><br /></div><div>********************************</div><div><br /></div><div><b>Part Two</b></div><div><b><br /></b></div><div><b>Centring children</b></div><div><br /></div><div>I believe this assumption (that institutionalised care is neutral) underpins a lot of social justice talk in certain circles, hence my choice to address it. It also exists more widely in society, perhaps for the reason that we don't value the experiences and bodies of children. I believe that the assumption of institutionalised care being unimpeachable (ACAB but schools are benevolent gifts?) must be questioned and destroyed. Not only is institutionalised care requiring constant work and interaction with and within, systems not designed to advantage us, systems with significant power and history, meaning neutrality can't be claimed; but all families and children will experience it (and different versions of it) differently and uniquely based on several complex factors. I believe we cannot fairly go on with the stories we have access to, the experiences of how it has harmed children and with all this knowledge we do have to draw on from diverse situations; in clinging to wishful hopes about the potential of Institutionalised Care or to reinforce the idea of its benevolence. We cannot continue on without these nuances and problems therein, being front and centre. </div><div><p><b>We cannot fairly decentralise children regarding issues that impact them. Children require to be centred. </b>(I learned this language and this framing/focus around centring children, from Doctor Stacey Patton.)</p><p>I believe children are the forgotten-about (or perhaps, the deliberately excluded) group in this discussion in a wider social sense, their needs conveniently discarded because it serves adults to do so. This would fit patterns amongst wider society. If we consider all system social issues, it makes sense that violence against children, and practices and beliefs which lead to that functionally occurring; would exist in all spaces until they become actively anti childist and then rebuild their values having deconstructed and destroyed the Violence Against Children part. It is <i>expected </i>to be there. It will be there until we remove it. This is how social issues work. They're systemic and they're embedded across society. It makes sense to start from there. <i>Childism exists, and therefore everywhere is childist unless they redesign themselves and show themselves to be otherwise. </i><br /><br />After spending approximately the last fifteen years doing work to examine my own childism to try to prevent (or at least reduce) it damaging the lives of my children (I started with Alfie Kohn, John Holt, Lenore Skenazy, and Jan Hunt, moving later to the work of the late bell hooks, Dr Stacey Patton, Andrea Landry, and Peter Gray), I'm acutely aware of just how hard it is and how much work is involved in achieving active anti childism. I consider I will never fully arrive there. I am committed to constantly becoming more anti childist and being as safe for children as is possible for my abilities and life. We can't fairly just gift any feminist or anyone proclaiming to be researched, educated, or well read; a free pass to comment on things which involve children with the trust that they are correct. They need to prove themselves somewhat. We need to know how they grew beyond their childist ways. We can assume that most adults end childhood having been convinced of their own inherent unworthiness and deservance in being punished and controlled; ready to enact it onto children like compliant members of a society full of cooperating violent parts. We may need to hear that people are competent in elements of anti childism work before we accept their opinions on issues that affect children. It isn't enough to say they love children or know them or parent them - active anti childism is required. If they are not demonstrating this, then this needs to be considered so that we can intepret their work or opinions through the correct lens and exercise caution. We need to begin to protect our spaces from childism. </p><p><b>Strategies and gatekeeping, for Adult Supremacy</b></p><p>Claiming that this area of expertise isn't worthy of being listened to - as seems to have become the latest thing to do - is highly suspicious. <i>Sweet, little, dumb housewife, thinking you're smart but really your ignorance is harming the women trying to get free </i>- has become a common trope from other women if someone brings up the Science of attachment or Child Development, or childism as a topic. Protectors of children within a world very dangerous for them, are being continually framed as dysfunctional, as well as inferior in intellect and self respect. </p><p>Does this sound familiar, because it is? It is like being a "simp" but for caring about children, with the centring children in things concerning them being positioned as not caring about women, or as being embarrassingly subservient to children (or men, or the nuclear family). When we try to do this in order to align the discussion with the rights of children <i>as well as</i> that of adults, we are often accused of being sexist and using so-called childism as a ruse to simply further dismiss women. We find ourselves being commanded to prove that we care about adults. As though caring about children inherently is an attack on any adult. </p><p>Adults also will, in an attempt to hold onto their power and avoid questioning, somehow coopt/redirect talk of rights for children and frame those as being misogyny in disguise. <i>How dare anyone centre children</i>, they say, <i>Who are you; the men</i>? I believe we need to see this as the strategy that it is. Yes, men may weaponise children to abuse women. Children also have rights and are requiring to be centred. Women also enact violence against children at alarmingly high rates. Adults are enacting supremacy, including the ones who claim they are working towards human rights. <i>But, whose rights do they mean?</i></p><p>Tropes are being utilised. People seem to be taking them up and firing them off as retorts any time someone mentions the rights of children. I believe "<i>That is a privileged perspective</i>" is being used in this manner. This conveniently dismisses complexity and the different privileges and marginalisations which may be existing and which will factor in differently for each family. It is meant to silence while taking a righteous stance, masquerading as being civil rights centred which OBVIOUSLY the fool bringing up rights for children, isn't. It's also a quick way to silence anyone holding a new idea. New ideas, it seems, are only for the privileged. This may be so in several senses, but it is also privileged to be the one arguing against the new ideas and calling them privileged because you're sad about being childist. New ideas and especially ones which point out inequality; have validity. They need space and fair consideration. We should not allow this lazy sentence to continue to be coopted for weaponising. We must remain aware that constant gatekeeping always accompanies fights for liberation; we need only to discover the forms such gatekeeping is taking. We require to seek out all the ways childism is being reinforced by adults who would describe it any other way to avoid it being clearly seen and allowed to thrive.</p><p>"<i>Not everyone can homeschool!</i>" is another statement which seems like a broken record by now. Perhaps what prompted it was something factual like,</p><p>"<i><a href="https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2022-07-22/el-dorado-hills-school-staffers-indicted-in-death-of-13-year-old-autistic-boy">School violently harms some children</a></i>" </p><p>or "<i><a href="https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.abc.net.au/article/102396274">The education department is a government institution and may engage in self preservation tactics at the expense of individual children.</a>" </i></p><p>First of all, noone needs to argue about their own personal home schooling capacity when we are discussing vulnerable children and violence in schools. Noone needs to defend themselves from facts, especially facts which weren't even about them. Institutional discrimination isn't about you. Secondly, these sets of statements don't match each other in importance; not even close. What weight does that statement, "<i>Not everyone can home school!</i>" carry? If we look at this more closely, it centres adults. This theme is mostly unimportant (free public education and government subsidised childcare is all over the country; what power is pressuring you to reject that which the government has convinced you is required and made easy to access?). Despite its shallow meaning, it is often parroted with assumed validity or usefulness. It seems to be a response to adults not being centred and upheld with the power they are used to and expectant of. The others centre children, and <i>are</i> important if we look at the themes and what is at stake. Anything which centres adults seems automatically to hold validity while something centring children is dismissed. We could look at why someone is so offended that home education exists and that children thrive in it, or that parents want their disabled children to be shown how to read rather than assumed to have a life not worth living. We may see people become personally angry that a parent is concerned about their child being <a href="https://www.startingwithjulius.org.au/forget-me-not/">segregated at a "special needs school"</a>. <i>However, are their rights actually being impacted</i>? Are they just stepping into the gatekeeping role? To call children's rights violence is at best a stretch and at worst, a lie. This is a clue; that people are claiming speaking about childism <i>is</i> violence against adults. Sad or angry feelings are not evidence of violence though. This is childism in action. Most children will have to go to school and the issues within it will matter greatly to the unfolding of their lives. Why is anyone who feels sad because they feel they don't have the skills to home school; centring themselves? They could try to disguise it by saying that they care about kids in school - if this is true why are they centring themselves then? Why don't they act to reform schools through centring the rights of children, then? If we are to improve institutionalised care, we have to care about kids and acknowledge how they are being harmed first. </p><p>Why are people threatened by the idea of children being kept safe? Answer this honestly - <i>What rights of yours are at risk because someone mentioned children's rights?</i> Interestingly, there are many powerful systems involved in school and in enforcing the compliance of families to exist within it. And yet it has been cleverly flipped for convenience here and to avoid discussing children's rights. As though home schoolers carry any real power over anyone, especially compared to school. "<i>Stop Mummy shaming</i>!" is something else that we hear over and over to drown out things like "<i>Hitting children is harmful</i>." Some opinions about bed sharing that you didn't like because you used a cot, isn't the same as institutionalised violence such as the law protected practice of striking children and refusing to call it Domestic Violence. Somehow though, feminists everywhere are falling victim to the Big Bad Home Schoolers, the "crazy" child advocates, the breastfeeding parents - which seems more like weaponised and fake victimisation. Why are your crocodile tears here, trying to frame anyone bringing up the rights of children as out to steal <i>your</i> rights away and victimise little old you? You, poor amazing you, just over here trying to build up women and do the best you can. You are not at any risk from these people existing, let's be real. The idea of violent harm at school however, and of children having rights - carry far more weight. Maybe you care more about protecting your own self, than you do about the human rights of children. </p><p><i>The pattern here, is that things centring children automatically are seen as less valued or even worthless. Anything centring adults, even if entirely trivial, is automatically held in higher esteem than serious topics which centre children's rights and bodies. </i></p><p>As a next step we also need to listen to the families struggling because keeping their child safe from Institutionalised Care was their only option. We need to find out about the families who have to keep fighting their child's school for the bare minimum, in order to keep their child safe. If we were to find out the factors that these families have in common, or see the wider patterns of how schools react to them, we may realise that those beliefs that school is neutral; are the privileged ones. <i>Check that privilege you own that you are so quick to tell everyone else they have. Institutionlised Care reflects the wider society of which it is a part and is not neutral.</i></p><p><b>Anti Adult?</b></p><p>Children being centred is automatically being interpreted and reframed as being anti adult. This happens so quickly that it can be hard to detect. Discussing the rights of children is not inherently anti adult and probably rarely (if ever) is anti adult at all. Is there such a thing as "reverse childism/adultism"? I would suggest, no there isn't and any claims as such should be recognised for what they are. Can a society geared toward adults even have adult discrimination? Should we be laughing in response to all these claims that children's rights are anti women? Don't we really mean, anti adult? How can that even be? Why are we believing this? We need to start asking the people who leap to that to explain their pathway to that claim, and their reasoning. I suspect that when we look closer, we will find there isn't a legitimate pathway from A (focus on children) to B (oppressive to adults). It seems that adults are interpreting children having rights at all, as being violence at them. Or at least, pretending to. This all probably seems like d<span face="sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #202122; font-size: 14px;">éjà vu</span><span face="sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #202122; font-size: 14px;"> t</span>o anyone familiar with other civil rights issues. It is a common pattern that we see across the spectrum of human rights as a topic. It makes perfect sense that it exists for childism as well. We must call these practices into question and hold adults to account, even when we trust those who are participating. We might feel that it would be easier just to keep trusting. We may trust them because they seem to care about the rights of others so we view them as loving. But we need to ask, <i>do they care about the rights of those who don't look, act, or live like them</i>? Or, is their motivation just for their own rights? </p><p>Appropriating any talk of rights for children as inherently anti women or self oppression; isn't correct as well as being a strategy. Many dominant groups across various social issues do this to avoid accountability. Who are these "adults are being oppressed" claimants, protecting women from? From me and others like me who centre children in issues concerning them because we see them as important? Because we are skilled in deconstructing social parts? From disabled adults talking about the harm of compliance-based-approaches in schools because they care about disabled children? From... children? What is happening and should we question it, and them? (Hint: yes).</p><p>Being a self labelled feminist or even being accepted by others does not a child advocate make. Does not a disabled advocate make. Does not an intersectional feminist make. Does not a feminist who understands that none of us are free while we crush down children, make. Children require to be centred in scenarios that affect their safety and well being. The fact that it seems to always be adults who are centred, is telling.</p><p>Children are (probably from being seen as less human than adults because the markers of humanness are all linked to the adult profile) frequently weaponised the way that many things are in this culture, for enacting violence upon others. For instance, men weaponise children to abuse women. The education system weaponises children to enact wider social discrimination and ensure it is upheld for the future. Schools weaponise the intersection of childism and ableism to drive children out of school through framing them as a problem and "safety hazard", by-passing the child's legal right to an education with strategies, psychological tactics, and long running character assassination. The medical system has a history of using children for futhering the field and protecting adults. If we look carefully, we will see that those groups seen as less human than another, will suffer at their hands and be used as weapons or tools frequently. This is sinister and terrifying. This happens to children, being at the bottom of the social hierarchy. If we think about it, which children are the most vulnerable? Maybe the ones that most of us don't even think about. How invisible have they become? How hidden from our general view, are they? We must remember that children being weaponised, doesn't reflect on them. It doesn't reflect on their worth. It doesn't reflect on their rights to be protected. This is another part of childism. The fact that children will be weaponised for enacting violence, does not mean they should be held at arms length or that their rights aren't worth protecting, investigating, and considering. We are socially avoiding anti childism, because of childism.</p><p>I believe that children's rights and well being require to be placed centrally if we are to work toward fairness of any kind. Being a child amplifies social violence and risk factors. I also believe that women who have multiple children or who do significant care work for their families, are just as entitled to protection and well being as women who have less children or who do less of the work within their families that is associated with traditional home making or traditional women's roles. The fact they are more at risk in cases of male violence against them; even that they are more at risk of male violence occurring at all; is not evidence that they should not have put themselves into that scenario, or that they gave too much thought to protecting their children and not enough to participating in childism to protect themselves. It is also patronising. If I am going to become more of a victim of social violence from protecting my children from childism - so be it. <i>This happened the moment that I decided to look out for my childrens' best interests and became the barrier in between them and the harm that was waiting</i>. I am able to and am entitled to, make my own choices and decide how I want to protect my children. I get to choose how I navigate this violent society. Do not patronise me. Do not sit atop your privileged perch and decide that you know best. Your privilege has got you here. You didn't win because you're better, you won because the systems work for you. These things are in fact proof of male violence being an extreme social problem, evidence of powerful social violence in other ways, and evidence of childism existing and harming. If the only way we can thrive is at the expense of others then something has gone very wrong. </p><p><b>Why does having children, and why does questioning Institutionalised Care; cause women to thrive less?</b></p><div><p>This is firstly, evidence of the unfair division of labour for child care, home duties, and work involved with children such as schooling - between men and women. This one is a very simple take. This is an established, well known statistic. Men will weaponise that not using Institutionalised Care makes women more vulnerable. Furthermore, and investigating the rights of children here at the same time, it is evidence that childism has impacted those women. We are also being failed by the society within which our home exists, rather than being able to see our home as the world or as society itself.</p><p>This shows that the only way to liberation is to leave noone behind. The more children you have, or the more marginalised your children, the harder it will be to thrive; due to losing elements of adult privilege if we are involved in children's issues. This could be looked at slightly differently in saying that we lose social capital, the more time/energy we spend (in certain ways) on those less privileged than ourselves. Society is not set up for any of us to thrive if we spend more time than is socially advised (or any!) on caring for children. This is because it has Opportunity Cost. The social structure provides punishments with less access to money, meaning significant less access to safety and opportunity. Society is set up for children to be away from us and being cared for in special places, not with us or in the community as active participants (also childism - why is the community not accessible for an entire group of people?). The sheer time that caring for children requires and the accommodations constantly ocurring to make their movements through their community accessible; puts women at risk of harm and exploitation because there is less time for paid work, and rest. There is a lot of time spent on creating accessibility for children that society doesn't do automatically as it does for adults, and on filling the gaps caused by this element of childism. None of this is proof that women matter more than children or that we should ignore childism in the face of male or wider system violence, however. It is evidence of system discrimination in failing to prepare a society for children to thrive within.</p><p>Blaming women who are victims of male violence and saying that it is their fault later if they failed to plan ahead for the possibility of this violence, though- is absurd plus participatory. Having less children or none at all protects because then we can more easily function as capitalism intended, giving us the social rewards intended to keep us all participating. With no accommodating required because we more effortlessly move through a society created for adults. Our needs are perfectly met and we don't notice that those needs are even there. We retain social capital from being approved of. Certainly, one way to protect from violent childist culture would be to distance oneself from children and retain more social capital and adult privilege. </p><p>Just as a white woman distancing herself from Black women would afford her more privilege and better faring in a social sense in particular ways (white women do indeed do this a lot, until it may benefit them to align with Black women and then they may choose that). Just as a cisgender person avoiding their transgender friend at school will help the cis person avoid transphobia harming them as much, but would be leaving their friend thrown to the wolves and their friend unsupported when their cis privilege could have significantly helped and provided the love and friendship they deserved. These things aren't evidence that marginalised groups should be avoided by privileged groups in order to keep their privileged position. If a dog eat dog culture has been created, this shows the serious dysfunction of social structure. This is evidence of how this culture is structured and suggests that we need to defeat the entire thing so that we all can thrive. It is never the right answer to suggest that privileged groups keep their privilege at all costs so as to avoid violence by those more privileged than them but at the expense of those with less. We all matter.</p><p><i>It is also evidence that caring for children is hugely undervalued and not socially protected; borne of our lack of respect for children in the first instance. The protection of children resulting in increased violence against women; is a case for attacking childism which is a foundational social violence upon which every other violence is bred. It is not a case for blaming women who protect children through noticing the non neutrality of Institutionalised Care or who do more child related work than is considered enough to be "right". It is not a case for insisting that Institutionalised Care is the only answer or escape.</i></p><p>For many adults their child belonging to a marginalised group as well as being a child will show them the intense discrimination their child is up against. They will see some of it because if they are protecting their child then society will see that they can't get the access to destroy the child that they want and feel entitled to. They will then work on the parent to get them to move out the way and leave the child vulnerable to being initiated into whatever their specific marginalisation/s commands based on social norms. This is another way that caring for children results in more violence against women, from several places. Are we the ones in between our children being destroyed, and those things which would do the destroying? We will be targeted in that instance. For many parents this will be their first time seeing what can happen regarding certain marginalisations. It may also be their most vulnerable time as a family from losing some of the power of their adult privilege from being associated with their child and their child's needs. I remember my early experiences with showing respect to my children and seeing the anger and system pressure that occurred from others when they realised I was not going to comply in the ways I was "supposed to" around keeping children subjugated. This was scary. This is a hard thing to do, targeting childism. Nevertheless, distancing onesself from the needs and rights of their child may be an option; but it is never neutral. I would suggest that, while many parents may choose this for their own thriving, we can't deny how problematic this is and that children deserved protection all along. They did not deserve being pitted against their parent from the illusions cast by a violent culture. In this situation, a child is mostly defenceless and their future and wellbeing is in their parent's hands because of relying on them to protect from childism and anything else that comes into it. Which is why I believe deconstructing childism matters so much. There is so much at stake. </p><p>Disabled women deserve protection. Disabled children deserve protection. Queer parents deserve protection. Queer children deserve protection. Black parents deserve protection. Black children deserve protection. All of us deserve to live safely and not be unfairly and inaccurately blamed for social violence that is rigged against us no matter our choices, and that sometimes has coerced us into choices. All of us deserve to live in safety. The idea of women's and children's being pitted against one another; shows dysfunction rather than that we should even engage in such a set up. Who, or what, is really to blame? </p><p>Noone needs to be doing capitalism affirming things to be worthy of their rights to be respected and supported. This ties in to children who aren't considered productive within a capitalist model. (This begs the question too - if women not using institutionalised care are seen to be making their own violent future, what of disabled women, elderly women, mentally ill women responding to trauma, those with chronic illness, or anyone else not "winning" at capitalism?) Women who challenge the idea of neutrality of Institutionalised Care don't deserve to become victims to men and system sexism. Noone does. They are not inherently lacking wisdom and <a href="https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.abc.net.au/article/10148514">they likely see the social systems around them very clearly</a>, driving their questions. (If they didn't, they still would not deserve violence). They also can't be said to be bad mothers for becoming victims to male violence and oppression. (And again, what about others who don't win in a capitalist world? Did they fail because social violence is stronger than their capacity to comply with social norms, to keep it at bay?). This one seems a very strong strategy and way to prevent childism investigation. <i>"Put on your own oxygen mask first!" "How can you look after your kids when you don't even have dinner to feed them if you become a Domestic Violence victim later?" </i>These sound somewhat convincing, but they also seem simplistic and lazy. If it wouldn't apply to other marginalised groups supporting one another, then why does it apply only here when children are involved? <i>"Don't support trans rights, put on your own oxygen mask first!". "Men, don't support women at your own expense - put on your oxygen mask first!"</i> What even is to imply that seeing Institutionalised Care as non neutral is failing to put on ones own "oxygen mask?" Why not put on your mask then right after, put on someone else's? Why does this anaology even mean? Ignore children's rights because you have rights too?</p><p>Noone should be expected to dismiss the rights of children in order to avoid sexism. If they do - sexism itself is to blame. If they do, they will have crushed down someone more vulnerable than themselves for their own privilege and protection. I would even go so far as to say, if they fail to respect the human rights of their child they are participating in training them into how to enact social violence. They may have decided that was the better option but once again, this is something to be evaluated rather than assumed as benevolent or neutral. Children do not deserve childism. <i>Children deserve so much more</i>. If we don't feel that we are safe enough to protect children from childism, we must acknowledge that a violent society has done this and not that children never mattered really. Certainly we must not say that this was a neutral choice. If we feel forced to participate in childism this may be fair or understandable, but this is not neutral.</p><p><br /></p><p>**************************************</p><p><br /></p><p>Part Three coming soon.</p></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><p><br /></p></div>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-39201033215003163312022-08-09T02:36:00.007-07:002022-08-09T02:57:26.389-07:00The Opportunity Cost of Fear<p> It has been over ten years now , since I first started activism in the form of talking about respect for autistic children. It feels like just yesterday to me, especially the trauma involved in that being so new to many people. Ignorance itself might not be such a hard thing to deal with, if not for the gatekeeping and anger that new ideas can often elicit. </p><p>I recall being so excited to meet other Gentle Parents, to get to know other unschooling families. I studied these concepts so intensely, working out- <i>how do we truly respect kids, how can I respect mine, and what does this look like in action?</i> What I soon found out, was that the unschoolers and peaceful parents out there, hadn't examined their ableism very much and didn't see that ableism was a conflict with peace and freedom for disabled children. Or, maybe they just didn't care about the disabled children.</p><p>Since then, I've taken my ideas further. I now believe that ableism and childism are essentially the same thing and that the two things cannot be disentangled in this instance. Ableism and childism in this context, are both borne from and based upon the idea that people "should be" any certain way. Applying anti-childism, inherently includes anti-ableism. Anti-childism is about removing how any child "should" be - this is the same thing as anti-ableism.</p><p>In mainstream places which address childism, or aim to as a general goal; very often the stated aims are to allow children to develop without adult violence, either in the form of punishment and unfair, developmentally inappropriate expectations (all punishments are this because all children are doing the best they can based on their needs, development, life, and a holistic big picture of them at any given time); or in the form of coerced, violent education. When we say, <i>let's apply this to all children</i> then what we are saying is that we commit to being anti-ableist. In our commitment to children we commit to every child. We commit to peace for every single child. And we must recognise that we, as adults in this culture, are threats to children's peace. This isn't an offensive statement, this is a fact in a society that is geared toward the needs of adults at the expense of children. </p><p>In this way, it is imperative that we address ableism. If our end goal is peace, this necessarily requires seeing, addressing, and removing violence.</p><p>It was extremely hard for me, as a fresh unschooler who was also someone who'd done their homework on what that was supposed to mean; to be fought against and so outnumbered in places that were designed to be about community, discussion, and growing unschooling. While time has shown the truth to many people that indeed, all children not only deserve but need peace and respect to thrive; this is still not common knowledge and I feel there is still much work that needs to be done.</p><p>I want to address here, something I feel will make sense to people and something which I hope can support people who are well meaning and thirsty to learn, but who are just beginning and would like steps toward understanding. If this is you, good luck toward supporting your child more peacefully and I trust that you will succeed.</p><p>One part of this topic, a part that is personally very important to me- is that children, as human beings, inherently deserve respect, genuine love, and peace. However, if people have failed to agree with that (highly hypocritical and counterproductive in my opinion, in a peaceful parenting community because that is the entire definition of respect for children) - what we are left with, is optimal development and their child's success at various things. If people in so called respectful parenting spaces are still obsessed with training their children with the perfect upbringing in order to produce a superior child (let's ignore that this is incredibly violent because there are actually a great many people like this in those spaces), we can move on to addressing that part of it. I still believe that there is no good basis for ableism and that even at an early stage of learning, it is obvious that ableism is unhelpful to children.</p><p>No child, can succeed long term and to their optimal, in any setting; if they aren't overall feeling peaceful, calm, in control of their life, and if their needs aren't being met in a holistic manner. You may be able to make your child act some way for a short time but in the absence of real respect and a disallowing of, or interfering with, their intuition with themselves and their own wisdom. - this will always be at the expense of their wider, long term development. No child whose caregivers consider them to be defective or who are using controlling, fear based methods in their parenting; will be able to develop the kind of beautiful, rich, connections to these caregivers that are possible when they are genuinely loved and seen. </p><p>Disability issues such as vaccines and autism, may seem like "just" a theory to many parents. I understand it can be hard to see any cost or problem, I'm sure. "More tools in the toolkit" kind of thing may be occuring. It also can be hard to see our own prejudices. However, i want to invite you to think of the Opportunity Cost involved with these issues. I consider this to be a helpful marker and a great way to keep our parenting on track toward respectful choices.</p><p>Imagine, if you can, a perfect, small, blonde baby. They look like the image of an angel. Their family is smitten, they are held often and spoken and sung to gently and with deep love. Imagine a toddler, banging on pots and pans while their family cooks dinner, receiving kisses and sharing laughter. Imagine them digging outside while older siblings play nearby, being included and noticed and spoken to. Imagine the love and the responsive moments that occur when a child is adored in a manner that is indescribable in its joy and rawness. I know this manner well because I've seen the power of it upon my own children. It builds up and up, creating more connection and more responsiveness. It creates pure joy and this grows and grows. </p><p>Next, imagine that part missing. Imagine that every kind word and sweet tone that emerges from the mouths of those around a child; are gone because of fear. Imagine that the relaxation and easy connection and love, is replaced with a therapy based approach where the child now sits somewhere inside with some expert. Imagine someone interpreting their every move and wondering if it is "bad". Imagine the child sharing something and a parent being concerned instead of joyful. Imagine a parent furiously reading online into the early hours of the morning, about a Heavy Metal Detox or about Andrew Wakefield. Instead of gazing with joy at their toddler at the park, now they are afraid. Instead of cuddling all night in bed, caring for themself and growing their relationship with their child. How can these situations even be fairly compared by anyone caring about peace and respect for kids? I find them almost to be opposite, yet there are mant self-named peaceful parents or unschoolers who would act like this or instruct others to. They are so incredibly different, however. To me, they are worlds apart. Adored kids are lucky kids. People will probably say, it wasn't them that did this but their child was this way so they were forced to have this different life. </p><p>No, they absolutely weren't. Noone forced them to not look upon a beautiful child with love. They are the one not delighting in their beauty and their play. Autistic children everywhere are being deprived of the joy that is possible when someone adores a child and sees them as perfect in their imperfection. The impacts this has cannot be understated. Our children positively <i>require</i> to be loved and adored, respected and seen and cherished. </p><p>Anyone who steers away from the natural path of loving their child and seeing them for their full complexity and humanity; is damaging the developmental trajectory of their child and steering them away from what they need. Because loving our children is the most natural thing, when we strip away our conditioning. It is not me who is conditioned. I see love as the answer, and this is the deepest truth that every unschooler or peaceful parent would do well to discover. Whether you have agreed that autistic children deserve respect, play, and freedom, or not; it cannot be denied that the Opportunity Cost of fear is your child's future.</p><p>Every single child needs to have their caregivers really, properly loving them. If you parent with Fear as your companion, not only will you fail to deliver peace and respect; but you are stealing a childhood of love away from the child you claim to want to support. There isn't anything supportive, in letting fear take you from peaceful parenting and toward violence. In fact, this will detract from your child thriving because someone who doesn't have connection and love but instead has a fearful parent trying to fix them; can never grow to their potential.</p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9CFMTIXMdwww6HukCBAX16QB2hGWMVOv9IJOHFntjPZgQhDtO4_FtTzM9ysp7hK5c9yYklOEy99E9AYtgQqRSkab86a8tkhqELkPbXLT8IBxGHVvDV7RQzwmezaexwPZIOq5pqa6FqVkrYISZG-qsGyana0qmSAMTnfCdQh__8Kw3xCBnE10jeOxjZA/s4000/DSC08074.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3000" data-original-width="4000" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9CFMTIXMdwww6HukCBAX16QB2hGWMVOv9IJOHFntjPZgQhDtO4_FtTzM9ysp7hK5c9yYklOEy99E9AYtgQqRSkab86a8tkhqELkPbXLT8IBxGHVvDV7RQzwmezaexwPZIOq5pqa6FqVkrYISZG-qsGyana0qmSAMTnfCdQh__8Kw3xCBnE10jeOxjZA/w320-h240/DSC08074.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p>Find Me on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/suburbanmamma" target="_blank">Facebook.</a></p><p><br /></p>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-30901995799879526632022-03-17T00:02:00.098-07:002023-05-29T18:39:23.613-07:00Loving our children; activism in action.<p><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"> </span></p><p><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Peacefully parenting my small children,
then unschooling, has been perhaps the greatest adventure I will ever
experience. My adult life has been
dominated by beautiful observations of my children at play; by data as I have
seen them learning constantly away from school and things that look like it; and
by realisation after realisation that <i>love and peace are the answers.</i></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Year after year, infants became chubby
babies became toddlers, became preschoolers. My small children with clumsy
hands and toothy grins learned to buy fruit at the markets, learned to read, learned
to check the road for cars, learned to climb up into trees, learned to nurture
smaller children. My children began to put their sentences together mindfully,
showing their logic, mastery of language, and caring natures. My children began
projects and acts of collaboration, demonstrating their creativity, social
skills, and commitment abilities. Changes and growth continued as an inescapable
pattern of nature – not as some project procured by an adult, a program, or by a government
system, but as just what happens to children when they are facilitated to have
opportunity-filled lives. These things
have proceeded to roll through my heart, in front of my eyes, and across my
brain like a data stream of evidence and imagery. As this has occurred and as
it continues to, my heart and mind sync always more succinctly and closely. </span><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">The
gap between them that perhaps should never have been there at all, keeps closing
as I realise that my two parallel trains of thought,<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"> </span>1: Unschooling
is the most loving thing I can do for my children, and</span></p><p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"> </span>2: Unschooling
is the best education I can give to my children,</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"> </span>are the same thing. These things are
linked, they tie into one another, and finally I have seen the complete truth –
they are the same thing. <i>The love is that thing.</i></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">This great secret to life, parenting, childhood,
education, confidence, and thriving in wider life – that love is always the
answer – has felt like the hardest truth for me to arrive at, the hardest to
untangle despite that it seems so obvious when brought into the light in this
manner. Despite a habit of questioning my conditioning to even arrive at
Peaceful Parenting and Unschooling in the first instance, this was entangled within
multiple understandings and points of conditioning. It took significant
years for me to see its truth in raw form.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Having been hit with the realisation,
I am filled with that bursting energy and delectable joy of such a discovery.
This isn’t entirely new for me. Doing this work of examining childism (which I consider important and
which I believe is deliberately devalued socially because we don’t respect children
or those who care for them) comes with realisations
like this all along the journey. This has often been the case for me as I continually
try to push the envelope of social convention to discover new, better ways for
not just children, but families as a unit. I don’t agree with the seemingly
ingrained, systemised social belief that one party (children <i>or</i> adults) must
suffer for the other to win. I have worked constantly, on the idea that surely there
must be ways for everyone to win, for everyone to learn to cooperate and have
success simultaneously - and that if we can’t do this easily then there must be
reasons why rather than it being some innate truth of life. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 17.12px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">This exciting feeling also happened when I realised, after an accumulation of reading, thinking, and watching – that children don’t need to be punished at all and we can (to simplify) omit it. This was accompanied by the deeper truth that I did not need to choose between 1: this instinct and desire to nurture and show care to my children; and 2: supporting them to learn and to allow the development of respectful natures. What was this lie that I had bought into before, that harshness was necessary for their development?! How, I wondered, had society taken this gratuitous power play by adults – and couched it as “best for children”? and “the sign of a good parent”? While simultaneously sickening and beautiful; I rejoiced that I had at least noticed this in time for my own children’s benefit.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 17.12px;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #050505;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Another, earlier time, this happened when I weighed up the evidence and found that babies and children sleeping in bed or in a bedroom with me; was not going to negatively impact their (or my) sleep and their lifelong relationship with it, but would actually enhance it. It happened again when I realised that choosing peaceful education pathways was not some trade off with learning outcomes but a maximising of them!</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="color: #050505;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">What these Eureka! moments have shown me, is that we don't routinely meet the needs of children because we have created a social (false) dichotomy around so many things. I have noticed that the internal conflict damages and pains us. We misdirect our instincts and natural nurturing natures for our kids. While our instincts say, <i>nurture and show care</i> - this takes the form of forcing, manipulating and otherwise coercing our children into doing various things - because we have successfully convinced ourselves that this <i>is </i>showing care<i>.</i> We have convinced ourselves (or perhaps, have been convinced) that it is a marker of being “educated” and “civilised” – when we harm our children with systems which are truthfully, often only helpful to us as adults wanting power and freedoms. This is at their expense and is often unnecessary. I believe we could learn to interpret the markers of systems which aim to crush children. I think these are often not noticed, resulting in the habitual, constant harm of children, and ourselves.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="color: #050505;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">At that moment where we feel pulled between things, for example</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="color: #050505;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">* Our child doesn’t want to sleep alone <i>but</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="color: #050505;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">* We want to support our children to learn to sleep </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="color: #050505;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"> – we have already lost. We have believed something false, for a start. We have believed that our children seeking our comfort for their own regulation of calm and safety; is somehow interfering in their development. We have seen these two things as contradictory to each other, instead of as complementing one another. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="color: #050505; font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Another example might be that our child,</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="color: #050505;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">* Doesn’t want to be placed into a care facility without the support and safety of their usual/family caregivers; <i>but</i></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="color: #050505;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">* We want them to learn to become competent and to thrive socially</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="color: #050505;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">These two (not contradictory things) encapsulate the same issue. At this point, there wages within us something fierce. Whichever path we choose, we are eliciting our own suffering because we are believing in the false dichotomy again. I don't believe it really helps us, to misinterpret childrens' needs. Nor does it help children. If neither party really wins, I like to ask <i>Who does? </i>I think the answer is, systems.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><span style="color: #050505;">In these situations we tend to pick the alleged educated path ("tough love" because that is assumed "best" overall) as we have been trained our whole life to do. We have been successfully tricked that this choice is a marker of an educated and reasoned parent, a parent who has a healthy sense of self and a healthy understanding of their own place in the world. In this case, we have thrown our child (and our relationship with them which is a core part of us as well) under the bus because we are following a list which we never checked for validity. And for what reason? I posit that the damage caused is significant though most adults see nothing there which is to me very violent. Enacting deep harm then gaslighting children (and ourselves) that it isn’t there at all, is insidious. We have done this for our own insecurities and our own inabilities. We have done it for a false, curated comfort that we tell ourselves, the lie of modern parenting culture – “This is for my child’s own good” and "My child will grow wings and fly successfully from the nest because of my successfully overcoming my instinct to comfort them". We then pat one another on the back as complicit adults, telling each other these things to reinforce the lie. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><span style="color: #050505;">We have taken this further by framing parenting based on attachment (which is healthy for both parents and kids) as somehow pathological. "Is this about the parent or the child?", "They don't know how to cut the apron strings", "That's nice for them but I need to use my brain" (the people who say this seem to also swing to "Well I would love to but real life you know!" - which is it, then?), "How sweet that they want to clean the house and sing to a baby all day, I'd get bored it it was me" and similar things, work to frame parents who are challenging dominant social norms, as damaged or inferior people. They are framed as, "crazy", "unbalanced", "unintelligent", lacking motivation or goals in life, "projecting" their own childhood traumas onto their children, "paranoid" that someone will hurt their child, "living in the past" (things have changed, you know?), a "simpleton" who cant see that they are enacting out their own oppression and doing the "good mother" thing just as they were trained to do, as using their child for feeding their own disordered need for attention, and other things. These are nothing more than tools utilised to continue the culture of violence against children. They aren't valid. Automatically assuming these kinds of things about nurturing parents is a sign of our conditioning. It is not a sign of truth. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="color: #050505;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #050505;">If we arrive somewhere in which we can believe that what our children seek from us from within their delightful, pure hearts, which comes from their deepest needs for connection and dedicated care – is wrong and that we must ignore it otherwise there is something wrong with us; we have arrived to a dark and violent place. I suggest that it is from this place that most people parent and make their parenting decisions. These things, beliefs that entrap us like internal prisons, wedging themselves between parents and children and between children and their real needs; are shackles to be thrown off. Children and their families deserve to be freed and all of us deserve to thrive within a more loving and cohesive family environment. We also at least deserve to see the truth, which is that we are capable of providing children what they need and we are not inferior to institutions and businesses. Whether we utilise outsourcing opportunities as tools or not; we deserve to see them as tools rather than facts of necessity or inherently tied to our child's developmental requirements and learning needs. A parent operating from power (which I think is inherently violent) also, I believe, cannot realise their true capacity to love and open themselves to the beauties of life. Nor can they heal from the violence of their own time as children because they have been playing a game of outrunning the truths and pain by way of an elaborate Whack-A-Mole. </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #050505;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhOFa-Q-ye34Eg1A_bf75uxEdqEDe2JUX8ldXV_nBqRvjfyUaNWTwRs92fqYMQ7N8W2pPMeToW-Me8G3plCvkoFJpX3SwF64ZJxJIbVv-TxsEy7hi7X0EQWPvqTDbI7buRLwR5Pg0mryMZn64p9cSQwHMe1Imk04OzznrdNvvJXAnGjhaNnt3x1irbzPA=s2016" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="980" data-original-width="2016" height="312" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEhOFa-Q-ye34Eg1A_bf75uxEdqEDe2JUX8ldXV_nBqRvjfyUaNWTwRs92fqYMQ7N8W2pPMeToW-Me8G3plCvkoFJpX3SwF64ZJxJIbVv-TxsEy7hi7X0EQWPvqTDbI7buRLwR5Pg0mryMZn64p9cSQwHMe1Imk04OzznrdNvvJXAnGjhaNnt3x1irbzPA=w640-h312" width="640" /></a></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">In recent years I
have become significantly disillusioned with otherwise efficient and brilliant
activists, many of them feminists who write amazing things but which I perceive
as upholding violence in the devaluing of children, and the devaluing of
movements aimed at their rights. Mocking extended breastfeeding and referring to it as such things as "subservient" and "sanctimonious", is an example of this. Dismissing the medical trauma of mothers and babies which has lead to the explosion of home birthing and the emergence of such terms as "birth rape", is another. Children and the contributions of many adults who are
working toward family cohesion and success with children's rights and safety in mind; I believe are being unfairly dismissed and criticised for some perceived more important good which is the liberation of adults. Erroneously, movements and words of support for children seem to be interpreted as being at odds with the freedoms of adults. Even if this is true, I believe we need to ask <i>Why?</i> <i>What systems are doing this?</i>, instead of scapegoating children and the care we provide to them. Or more accurately, the specific <i>types</i> of care that haven't enough capitalism-affirming, woman-power things for social approval. People want to talk about the alleged "educational neglect" of unschooling (necessarily honing in on women who are disproportionately the ones doing it) but not the anxiety and trauma of kids buckling under the pressures and deliberate violence of schooling. We want to talk about consent for adults but not consent-based education for kids. Do</span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: large;"> </span><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">we really care about and respect children? Is something else going on? </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Occasionally, I can't differentiate between the hurt egos and childism of activist writers, and the ideas they present that seem to be only <i>disguised</i> as intellectual logic. If you put more work into seeming that you are saying something fair; than you do around actually being it - what's happening and why? I
see this occurring in link to the social movements of the past two generations
where we began to pick apart the expectations upon women to be homemakers, contrasted
with the freedoms of men which were borne at the expense of women and these
forced roles. Men largely continue to build their successes upon the backs of women and children. I perceive that children are the invisible party in this circumstance. I view that all
adults are building their successes at the expense of children. This isn’t even
hidden. It is just that children are not considered important enough for this
to be challenged.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">I consider that nurturing children,
meeting their real needs in argument to what we are told about pathologising their early life and the need for outsourcing to various “experts” (childcares and
schools for instance) – to be an inherently oppositional act of fighting for children’s
rights. I also think that for many parents, knowing their own abilities instead of feeling helpless to the "real" experts on their kids - is a life changing act of empowerment that reclaims a lot of what is lost when we spend childhoods experiencing violence in varying forms. It is also an important weapon within systems of which we are all victim to some extent. I do not consider feminism to be complete when we leave out children and the complex, often-dangerous interaction that is parenting within threatening social systems. Intersectionality includes children.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Often in otherwise progressive places, children seem to be considered mostly as an attachment to a parent. I view this pattern as sometimes veering into accessorising children and tokenising their existence. Often, they are portrayed as being the burdens holding women back from their capabilities - the talking point for more accessible childcare and a push for equality of home duties. If this is true that children burden women who are seeking various freedoms, does it magically make children's needs less legitimate? If so, what are the forces which make it so or which make it seem so? Why do the needs of one group become invisible when they conflict with that of another? Does this provide a clue about who is seen as more important? Does it show who has more power? Do we automatically dismiss the needs of children because we assume those of adults matter more? </span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">I
consider that if childrens’ human rights are not central in
the planning for the liberation of any group – then this “liberation” movement is
atrociously inadequate. Not only are children also human beings, but they are
significantly vulnerable as a social group. They suffer at the bottom of power dynamics
no matter how loving their families. Furthermore, children and families are at
the centre of our society no matter how much we perceive ourselves to be free-er
of family work than ever before. </span></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIeSycYhjF5lHtUkD36kXdnkSNPmFrUxmdPcLfGQZsqlKI2cmxgy6wsLT-IjyPozD4jm76BA7V4cEdslFqn0JTO1PVYg8rv8Vs78ZdPdv89Sp1fZ30VpjZYoIdFPz9ogTy_6f7uPcQkyGM10lA0Tv1Br5sr1nf4vrRwyVDwIEn_eBK-uv19eUyVBkieg/s4572/group%20picture.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3077" data-original-width="4572" height="430" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhIeSycYhjF5lHtUkD36kXdnkSNPmFrUxmdPcLfGQZsqlKI2cmxgy6wsLT-IjyPozD4jm76BA7V4cEdslFqn0JTO1PVYg8rv8Vs78ZdPdv89Sp1fZ30VpjZYoIdFPz9ogTy_6f7uPcQkyGM10lA0Tv1Br5sr1nf4vrRwyVDwIEn_eBK-uv19eUyVBkieg/w640-h430/group%20picture.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p class="MsoNormal"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">We also need to see that many adults will indeed end up with child-rearing being their major work at times. There are many factors at play here. Without deconstructing all of them, those families deserve to be supported by movements aimed at liberation just as much as those who have benefited from such movements in more socially accepted and applauded ways. As somebody who, early on in my adult life birthed four disabled children before I had completed my university degree or realised I had C-PTSD from childhood abuse - I have long felt that I'm viewed as a "write-off". <i>This work was for me</i>, I'm told in many ways, and I didn't make use of it. The work to liberate women is for other women, not for me. I had my chance but I chose this. When I, years later, escaped Domestic Violence with my children and was once again seen as the proof of how I failed to make use of the work everyone else did for me, I found myself wondering "Was it really for me?". It doesn't appear to have been for my children, or for any children. When most options for my family's recovery were ableist, childist, classist, violent systems - what of us? </span></span><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Now, the only way to return to being accepted in several of my previous social circles,</span><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"> is to sacrifice my childrens' wellbeing so that I can build myself a future life that is acceptably independent of them. I've been challenged, in various ways, to prove that I'm willing to do this. I am not willing to do this. This is in a way that demands I separate from them, to effectively stifle, forget, or redirect my skills in childcare, ableism-informed parenting, and childism-informed parenting; for things that others value more. This has been the solution that is presented to me over and over. It doesn't feel like support; I know it is a trap laid out for me. My refusal to take it is then seen as my refusal to help myself. Taking my skills and loving presence significantly out of the lives of my children would certainly be at their expense. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">Are my family just seen as an anomaly, better to ignore? I experience this society with my children alongside me. This matters, whatever the dominant beliefs about how I "should have" approached my life or my recovery from Domestic Violence. If we acknowledge that our children and the
unequal distribution of children-related-work within families, makes adults
more vulnerable to abuses by oppressive parts of society – then what of the
children here? Thinking of children makes practical sense alongside being just
the right thing to do. </span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="line-height: 107%;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgqNkEwWDlvFn9Kyz7ZSN1Hfv3J8--ZDDS7Cxf7N32A5mXVviLEsb9KV9xZ2GFekpDFfIYH4JBlLHm7I199_mIHOslBxh2_B0YLUrVftAK4G6i29n9fpe7RRB0pT4Ysj7Cpu8VUnIjXj13Fv-Ipqzoojjjte9-sdjkHfTGUUIkq4fOmLG_eCRt7-HxHdQ=s2016" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="980" data-original-width="2016" height="312" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEgqNkEwWDlvFn9Kyz7ZSN1Hfv3J8--ZDDS7Cxf7N32A5mXVviLEsb9KV9xZ2GFekpDFfIYH4JBlLHm7I199_mIHOslBxh2_B0YLUrVftAK4G6i29n9fpe7RRB0pT4Ysj7Cpu8VUnIjXj13Fv-Ipqzoojjjte9-sdjkHfTGUUIkq4fOmLG_eCRt7-HxHdQ=w640-h312" width="640" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;">I consider that this work I do -<i> mothering intentionally</i> (while
it may be invisible within the confines of what my present society and those who
hold power within it, believe are valuable and important and worthy of attention), is useful and beautiful. What I have seen within my own small, humble home; could
potentially inform more loving parenting for other families which are all operating
in their own ways and could all become transformed by love. However, just calling it "love" seems like an understatement. Love is really the only way for us all to survive and thrive while doing so. It isn't a choice so much as the only choice that will work.</span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #050505; font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium; text-align: left;">The darkness of
denying children’s needs for love and connection because we are relying on socially popular parenting ideas and institutionalised (hence inherently violent) parenting, and believing these to be superior compared
to the loving capacity of our own families and communities (even if imperfect) – extends to the whole family and larger society. It is for this reason that I hold a strong belief in the transformational power of loving parenting. By this, I mean the
kind of love that is difficult because it involves fighting social and
systemised beliefs about children and about good parenting. </span></div><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #050505;">This is nothing less than activism, at a powerful level. At a realistic level also because so many of us will have children. Our homes are the essence of
our society and hold perhaps even the greatest power regarding changing our
future world. My children and I are saved and nurtured by the love of friends and community. Love; beyond and inside the systems we flounder within - is always the answer.</span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #050505;"><br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBuFLatEMbYRpKneb9dTBWRmIHuR5z-Dft5hlaxgwQFmu4a4_uVs169OmsLRpPOmFKh5hoSW3kf43jJMJiVErqM6jwkH_i_tLKYnuyJ1Gdmeubl7R0BqbZhpjBeOnhFjrWaHfK4gZJEHBmGMdN72q36zdosc_oSTCPPcJD0dDSxmr6-D5URDYuDjPsaQ/s5184/babywearing.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="5184" data-original-width="3456" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgBuFLatEMbYRpKneb9dTBWRmIHuR5z-Dft5hlaxgwQFmu4a4_uVs169OmsLRpPOmFKh5hoSW3kf43jJMJiVErqM6jwkH_i_tLKYnuyJ1Gdmeubl7R0BqbZhpjBeOnhFjrWaHfK4gZJEHBmGMdN72q36zdosc_oSTCPPcJD0dDSxmr6-D5URDYuDjPsaQ/w426-h640/babywearing.jpg" width="426" /></a></span></div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #050505;"><br /></span></span><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #050505; font-family: helvetica; font-size: large;"><br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="background: white; line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: #050505; font-family: helvetica; font-size: large;"><br /></span></p>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-10181887797697296512021-09-25T00:13:00.068-07:002022-06-06T18:39:02.904-07:00New research shows reduced autism. Is there more to the story?<span style="font-family: verdana;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><span style="text-align: left;">I clicked on the
</span><a href="https://www.abc.net.au/news/2021-09-21/wa-study-hows-early-intervention-reduces-autism-diagnosis/100476422" style="text-align: left;">article</a><span style="text-align: left;">. The sun was coming gently into my kitchen and the branches on the trees
outside were swaying. Magpies were chortling. I was interested to see what
manifestation of social discrimination against autism I might see therein. I had
long given up hope of finding balanced articles; anything that understood the
nuance, complexity, and impact of social oppression upon disabled children. In my years spent reading, networking, and observing, I have learned one major thing - disabled children are not afforded basic respect and
are not seen as full human beings within this culture and time. From this
foundation, various upsetting, coercive, manipulative, ignorant, violent things are
exacted upon disabled children all over the country. All this is in the name
of "helping" them, but as those of us who dig deeper and look with more critical eyes know - this is a ruse for things that would be called unacceptable in any other context. The complex modern history of alternative and natural parenting is just
as guilty of this; though the methods of disrespect differ from that of the
mainstream. It was within these circles that I first began to find my voice, and
with it, a passion for addressing unfairness and hypocrisy that affects children.</span></div><br />As my eyes
scanned each line, as I began to digest what had been presented; my heart
sank. This was perhaps worse than what I had become accustomed to. Doctor Andrew
Whitehouse, a friendly, well-liked, respected professor who works at The
Telethon Kids Institute in Perth (my home city); had put forth the results of
his team's latest research. To sum it up, very young children who were considered "at
risk" of being autistic due to family history; were targeted. Caregivers were given information to better
read their child's unique communication and social cues, enabling parents to
connect more strongly with their children and engage in more effective ways.
Parents took tools and knowledge away with them to their everyday lives
with their kids. These children at age three, despite being expected to meet diagnositic criteria in high numbers, were significantly less
likely to meet it for a diagnosis of autism under current criteria. This was celebrated as being a "breakthrough" and "significant." One of the reasons highlighted in the article, was spending less money through the NDIS. (The ABC article has since been quite significantly edited, seemingly in response to the criticisms it received).<br /><br />I
hurried to put together a few coherent paragraphs to share with my friends and
closest colleagues and networks. Such was my distaste for what I had read that
I felt it imperative to urgently support my community and immediately quell some of what
I perceived to be misinformation and misguided conclusions in this scenario. I
knew that my autistic friends, plus families who respected their
autistic children; would be upset by this situation. But mostly, I felt
compelled to be a voice for children who are already so mistreated and
misunderstood. We live in a world that does not respect children. We shuttle
them around for lives they had no say in and we prioritise adult preferences and
successes at their expense.
This is true even in the places that consider themselves leaders in improving
the lives of children. I have a phrase that I repeat often; it is something I consider integral to this topic - <i><b>If we don't respect children, then we
respect disabled children even less</b></i>. <br /><br />My work which I am
so passionate about, is collaborating with families to support their Autistic or
otherwise Neurodivergent children respectfully. I am a multiply Neurodivergent woman who cares very much about children and who
noticed that Parenting Educators cared significantly less about the autistic kids even while they
were championing anti-childism or Respectful Parenting in other ways. I don't
believe there is anything respectful in loving the nondisabled children but dehumanising the disabled ones. It is a lie to claim that one respects
children or is a "Peaceful Parent", unless this includes extending the so-called
peacefulness to all children. I enjoy deconstructing the biases I see all around me and
imagining new possibilities that can be snatched up from in the midst of injustice and
societal unfairness. Discrimination against children has catastrophic consequences that are often later
explained as "just what happens" to disabled kids, <i>conveniently excused as
being caused by the nature of their disabilities instead of the nature of a
discriminatory society. </i><br /><br />The outcomes explained and celebrated around these new research results, are cause for
upset and concern. This research does not mean that any of these children ceased
to be autistic or avoided "becoming" autistic. This is important to understand first of all. <i>I want to take pains to point this out as the central understanding.</i> As I have explained already, we live in a society which makes
it hard to thrive as an autistic person, at all stages of life. All along the
way, autistic people are thwarted by misunderstandings, and by systems constructed
with their developmental needs not in mind. The longer I do the work that I do, the more clear it becomes to me that <i>we have a society full of traumatised autistic children.</i> Socially-speaking, we do not understand what a healthy, thriving autistic person looks like and we explain away any autistic person doing well by saying that their autism must be reduced or gone or was never really there at all. We correlate the damage done to autistic children with what being autistic means. This is because if you have a sample of autistic children and they all have been traumatised then they will act it. Without possessing a more complex understanding based on education from autistic people or on being autistic oneself, it is easy to believe that what you are seeing is the impact of autism upon children. Somehow, we culturally see autistic people as dehumanised to the point where we stop imagining that things may well be impacting upon them the same way these things impact upon anyone.<br /><br />My friend Karen Lee has said <i>It's my belief that our perceptions of autism are
so deeply informed by autistic trauma that to many people a reduction in
"symptoms of autism" is simply what happens when you reduce distress in an
autistic individual.</i> Karen knows what she is talking about! I believe that she has put it perfectly!</span><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFhwiFuz0YVoI1se-ylR-Gu8rkVRLnZ62hoKTL67OEmuuN1nLmUIVv7JaIdluRsnxEGtHpxfI-jFjC16bxmwyhh0Wm5i1JxOEQLSmG3ro11R-KLvz6WdVcx2o61II0eqNuoUxLjNjkeQJL/s2048/KarenAlly.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="2048" height="313" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjFhwiFuz0YVoI1se-ylR-Gu8rkVRLnZ62hoKTL67OEmuuN1nLmUIVv7JaIdluRsnxEGtHpxfI-jFjC16bxmwyhh0Wm5i1JxOEQLSmG3ro11R-KLvz6WdVcx2o61II0eqNuoUxLjNjkeQJL/w400-h313/KarenAlly.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This photograph is of me, Karen, and some of our children.</td></tr></tbody></table><span><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-family: verdana;">If we care about autistic kids, we must develop
the skills to see that they exist separately to this trauma. We must begin to guess what things might be like without so much harm being inflicted upon them routinely. We also
need to see that this damage upon them in present time, could have been avoided
and hence could be avoided for autistic children still to be born or who are right now, very young and just waiting to be loved properly. What might it mean to thrive as an autistic
person? We must develop the
capacity to imagine that there can be autistic children who have not become
traumatised from ableism. This is a beautiful, world-shattering possibility, and it requires stepping outside of our conditioning to recognise it. Even if we cannot yet achieve it for our own children or the children in our lives; I feel that we need to at least recognise that it is possible. This would intensify our understanding of autism.<br /><br /> If you are
unfamiliar with my family, we are a family full of neurodivergence. My children
have been respectfully parented in ways that honoured their developmental
trajectories without considering these as inherently flawed; all along the way.
I fought to raise them peacefully from birth. This was in spite of aggressive resistance and many barriers, put there by design because of social systems that deliberately work to destroy disabled children including separating them from the nurturing of their families. This journey continued with
unschooling when they reached school age. This felt like the natural
next step in respectful, ableism-informed, parenting. Since then, they have
continued to thrive and I observe every day that they are caring and amazing,
and learning all the time. My huge secret is that I have raised them in loving, respectful ways. On top of this, being an introspective autistic adult I understand ableism and the assumptions made about autistic children having been on the receiving end for a childhood.</span></span><span face=""Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">I do not assume my children to be poisoned, broken,
or unnatural - I operate from the assumption that we are a beautiful, useful,
expected part of human diversity, and that diversity of brains is nothing out of the ordinary regarding human history. I have not trialed therapies such as
Applied Behavioural Analysis or its derivatives; to do so would have been in my opinion
counterintuitive to peace and respect, and would have been perpetuating ableism
at my childrens' expense. I have all along the way refused to pathologise my perfect children. In recent years it has become more and more trendy to find new
ways to stigmatise children like mine. Such as within alternative health, the
natural parenting world, the unschooling community, and anywhere that
purports itself as alternative and gentle but simply harnesses
the same social inequities that are everywhere and packages them up differently. <br /><br />Nearly my entire adult life has been so far devoted to figuring out how best to care for my children. This has necessarily involved challenging social beliefs that are ingrained at all levels. As an autistic child feeling the isolation of being frequently misunderstood and expected to repress myself constantly; I suppose my learning journey began back then when I wondered <i>Why does this seem so easy for everyone else? What am *I* doing wrong? </i>I consider that within my family, we have together achieved what every current therapy option could never come close to.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSRNXpcvqBYHZM_252VLV8ldnUN1aCU7kiFjuRPUlv_rGAyHUxxNhOYsr1w5u-VAhk-KsQwFKmkrZ1B3DPl6_YLKnOiIHOENiygZAr_eaDuy0i7tuS3Jcb0QIoU5rSxUXg7M3XNwXofLJY/s2048/13072682_10153772288192917_1044493065512955745_o.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSRNXpcvqBYHZM_252VLV8ldnUN1aCU7kiFjuRPUlv_rGAyHUxxNhOYsr1w5u-VAhk-KsQwFKmkrZ1B3DPl6_YLKnOiIHOENiygZAr_eaDuy0i7tuS3Jcb0QIoU5rSxUXg7M3XNwXofLJY/w640-h426/13072682_10153772288192917_1044493065512955745_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woman and five children sitting together on the pavement.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHS-JUMkXr4MFA0ok79XZQPVCCijF9tzv7hFgM-XarywNDlvHcXR-DOVl6ZdOZSkiRYmmpwJFsho7X-PPmnWEt003VpCDSpOf1TjRlzXYZ7bGseDFVKsdJpHVQuEyXdr_LINCikZ6TtXjw/s2048/1618196_10152556451977917_7210583652054479479_o.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1365" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHS-JUMkXr4MFA0ok79XZQPVCCijF9tzv7hFgM-XarywNDlvHcXR-DOVl6ZdOZSkiRYmmpwJFsho7X-PPmnWEt003VpCDSpOf1TjRlzXYZ7bGseDFVKsdJpHVQuEyXdr_LINCikZ6TtXjw/w426-h640/1618196_10152556451977917_7210583652054479479_o.jpg" width="426" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man lifting four children with his arms.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj60lylSdPd-eoxC8_EuCl-WYZjAXr17ArOg3fRlmw5Oyq7fpv8eSiN_UsEmAI3ewLaJ4EbLp8TFaHwLj_Do9M4LGDv0TZS21zf4SqC8iZP3X_w2jZ8D5xC9Y3Lb5XMQoT8wLcYn4a8-Xh/s2048/11816377_10153209319647917_3000736388095110834_o.jpg" style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1628" data-original-width="2048" height="509" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjj60lylSdPd-eoxC8_EuCl-WYZjAXr17ArOg3fRlmw5Oyq7fpv8eSiN_UsEmAI3ewLaJ4EbLp8TFaHwLj_Do9M4LGDv0TZS21zf4SqC8iZP3X_w2jZ8D5xC9Y3Lb5XMQoT8wLcYn4a8-Xh/w640-h509/11816377_10153209319647917_3000736388095110834_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Two children playing with a train set.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCwA44y3BujEGHLh0Jpy44CaipYWlMum0AyyVWVMEcMFJy-Yep9uzeCLlZZBElu6K-KvCj2QJtPBMRytrH84PAfSJA8wxuLs_9msTpGuNfYzRIkCOZRFJ_uYigoVvsYsec4xpJ08mb10DF/s2048/1557138_10153103197902917_7254042910403502409_o.jpg" style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: large;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1371" data-original-width="2048" height="429" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCwA44y3BujEGHLh0Jpy44CaipYWlMum0AyyVWVMEcMFJy-Yep9uzeCLlZZBElu6K-KvCj2QJtPBMRytrH84PAfSJA8wxuLs_9msTpGuNfYzRIkCOZRFJ_uYigoVvsYsec4xpJ08mb10DF/w640-h429/1557138_10153103197902917_7254042910403502409_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">Small child and a horse looking at each other.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG2tid84_0kHx8ahJ8Lm0paFotzUYb6K26zeJiQNxq-XS_hcYqdsutFuXBRQJAScGVF0SrsrZuXJc4s8NvuBagoIAiC7CJC2R12GVGL_6beg_ZDqLhpWMFvyshYSaEi_h9t-h4CcuVYIsJ/s2048/Photo+39.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgG2tid84_0kHx8ahJ8Lm0paFotzUYb6K26zeJiQNxq-XS_hcYqdsutFuXBRQJAScGVF0SrsrZuXJc4s8NvuBagoIAiC7CJC2R12GVGL_6beg_ZDqLhpWMFvyshYSaEi_h9t-h4CcuVYIsJ/w640-h426/Photo+39.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Man and baby smiling at one another.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7qBTUicMguiP8OAm3hP70fwxFEiEgsToX3bphYHHQ6hniZa5J8QPa-CYzgCOPHaJoIO-yok3pHTXzWaGsNdNyTx-aFZatOXyKcCbsye51FvH0YxzjrDZ8fEQk69tXvVAlPJmJ4yaVzlOd/s2048/26197786_10155487224012917_6712884443757237663_o.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1722" data-original-width="2048" height="538" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi7qBTUicMguiP8OAm3hP70fwxFEiEgsToX3bphYHHQ6hniZa5J8QPa-CYzgCOPHaJoIO-yok3pHTXzWaGsNdNyTx-aFZatOXyKcCbsye51FvH0YxzjrDZ8fEQk69tXvVAlPJmJ4yaVzlOd/w640-h538/26197786_10155487224012917_6712884443757237663_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woman and child gazing at each other while wearing roller skates.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdYWkLUzfcTrC9rc0X7fYSYtmPPW1EDlCjCwilX2DOtUJhzSJCMxHUVfpK9t4ApgKsF2ge54PSs8ApmP027lI_2XgwIx0foSeGz1gUJVQXuybw0VwJnvvcjETpIZ_e3j6JQ_ESjF62r60x/s414/Photo+35.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="414" data-original-width="233" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdYWkLUzfcTrC9rc0X7fYSYtmPPW1EDlCjCwilX2DOtUJhzSJCMxHUVfpK9t4ApgKsF2ge54PSs8ApmP027lI_2XgwIx0foSeGz1gUJVQXuybw0VwJnvvcjETpIZ_e3j6JQ_ESjF62r60x/w360-h640/Photo+35.jpg" width="360" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woman breastfeeding a small child while another small child cuddles woman.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjneoYCfY9zXiexJivkja3zvW8T_q9BLSyiACGBEYu2d2D-aCfGfoCVahFJjptWM-7Czl3Dl585sRRCIcw9tE71KsL_-B8IBNkr9zmoCJoJMLK8BT_Ujo2uwvYp1UlrYpk9OpnFctO6dX23/s2048/Photo+34.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjneoYCfY9zXiexJivkja3zvW8T_q9BLSyiACGBEYu2d2D-aCfGfoCVahFJjptWM-7Czl3Dl585sRRCIcw9tE71KsL_-B8IBNkr9zmoCJoJMLK8BT_Ujo2uwvYp1UlrYpk9OpnFctO6dX23/w640-h426/Photo+34.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Child gazing at a sleeping baby.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhybgxzsV9SFmaUaJOMKfi3uahTsMF0LOk7U3qxxGrvI-DKZeCkjOC7yZrZxA5GEVgrh7ZU1EOX3mowal-tZQgef_PA-BhDA3fdAtHHplskeixTih9W8UjGPONIjxpJmYx2nwkQ45D70WY1/s2048/Photo+33.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1365" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhybgxzsV9SFmaUaJOMKfi3uahTsMF0LOk7U3qxxGrvI-DKZeCkjOC7yZrZxA5GEVgrh7ZU1EOX3mowal-tZQgef_PA-BhDA3fdAtHHplskeixTih9W8UjGPONIjxpJmYx2nwkQ45D70WY1/w426-h640/Photo+33.jpg" width="426" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Two children laughing together at the top of a slide.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZdMlUmJ3JfwG5m0w7cc1HWvOY6vYnGnCeqqLHuJ0-ns1MqcwjUy7MXHeL7nojd2hB3iyh_WSZZhLo0lb1iGEBBPKXmo2WMLTZJJUlQIJEgCuAXTMO89GlGfwXa5iE7ah-caCEN35Ry9de/s2048/Photo+30.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1365" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZdMlUmJ3JfwG5m0w7cc1HWvOY6vYnGnCeqqLHuJ0-ns1MqcwjUy7MXHeL7nojd2hB3iyh_WSZZhLo0lb1iGEBBPKXmo2WMLTZJJUlQIJEgCuAXTMO89GlGfwXa5iE7ah-caCEN35Ry9de/w426-h640/Photo+30.jpg" width="426" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woman and two children lying together on trampoline.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5ItCZ2VHT417iVX1EXkIHl_mn9Udv3gZC3oQjm-qWgmvyA3rf6okGj7377GZE2XAwYpB-MGM_RCK8iqDmXRF3PdtAqlxxc8zE8TycfIzNmu1tlb511r4JfmkXnIV_-qlxQsG5Vo5c5UX7/s2002/Photo+28.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1837" data-original-width="2002" height="589" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5ItCZ2VHT417iVX1EXkIHl_mn9Udv3gZC3oQjm-qWgmvyA3rf6okGj7377GZE2XAwYpB-MGM_RCK8iqDmXRF3PdtAqlxxc8zE8TycfIzNmu1tlb511r4JfmkXnIV_-qlxQsG5Vo5c5UX7/w640-h589/Photo+28.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mother and two children walking down the road.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggKY3Zu5TnJMG_jIAFITDpDzSTdqWdUdE_LfQ1wVYJm9hyphenhyphenATACrn_7yNTIFix2fRL2-ZfUZEJcmlkvTYCDX-2HpA5LS8bzJjmMWZnHyLylo2hthUl9FvIZFkNWOa_o4TJWxyvJ2wIGxZ9v/s1944/29745166_10155710710337917_2783515390845483574_o.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1296" data-original-width="1944" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggKY3Zu5TnJMG_jIAFITDpDzSTdqWdUdE_LfQ1wVYJm9hyphenhyphenATACrn_7yNTIFix2fRL2-ZfUZEJcmlkvTYCDX-2HpA5LS8bzJjmMWZnHyLylo2hthUl9FvIZFkNWOa_o4TJWxyvJ2wIGxZ9v/w640-h426/29745166_10155710710337917_2783515390845483574_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Five children playing next to a road.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqciQHoQ1QbfNJWuPmeRrztavGjIYnllvInw35-O6cFCvs6tKiZQh0fWfa2o_lvDEv5YFXI-SRBVcVMu_Ad-AcG3hA3b-_q97R1BkTeNzlN4d4P-BMp9w4JK3rgIEvlx1PCP9EV9Touqdw/s2048/10380434_10152337235132917_4898519444867747057_o.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiqciQHoQ1QbfNJWuPmeRrztavGjIYnllvInw35-O6cFCvs6tKiZQh0fWfa2o_lvDEv5YFXI-SRBVcVMu_Ad-AcG3hA3b-_q97R1BkTeNzlN4d4P-BMp9w4JK3rgIEvlx1PCP9EV9Touqdw/w640-h426/10380434_10152337235132917_4898519444867747057_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Three children in kitchen using an electric mixer.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkvPwy7zNdH4YHei-nittpBsqHJYj0BRN5USmhTVIpH5hyphenhyphenhsAwANfRPs_P7uUyaSpeb-x4pVd_tojmDoJfcFilMMoyDDbZOrK8ttD3BsvIrqGKDtdLygUj8-IjLBMu8ShjXEGFb58EzXC1/s917/photo+4.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="884" data-original-width="917" height="616" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgkvPwy7zNdH4YHei-nittpBsqHJYj0BRN5USmhTVIpH5hyphenhyphenhsAwANfRPs_P7uUyaSpeb-x4pVd_tojmDoJfcFilMMoyDDbZOrK8ttD3BsvIrqGKDtdLygUj8-IjLBMu8ShjXEGFb58EzXC1/w640-h616/photo+4.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Three small children asleep on a bed.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgo7LlBAEmfGN6M8nl8PEiSC6WJ4wdSgGCNuJUXe0tB0EUMBQe_yrcTtn-RdJ8eLs1ErPagx6irH4bEWYa1Wgdm1MLWE9hpa6i_00kNSnTc7_Lk2uQNoPdSilbxj9m-GBcDmg5pfZ3ALJU_/s800/Photo+6.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgo7LlBAEmfGN6M8nl8PEiSC6WJ4wdSgGCNuJUXe0tB0EUMBQe_yrcTtn-RdJ8eLs1ErPagx6irH4bEWYa1Wgdm1MLWE9hpa6i_00kNSnTc7_Lk2uQNoPdSilbxj9m-GBcDmg5pfZ3ALJU_/w640-h426/Photo+6.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woman and four children on a foot path together.</td></tr></tbody></table><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCGpl3JWEOxpvfRwMvE2RxuyETvdD3Efy4Hux-q14vwM_hwvNQffesftqJJAMF7uYgk3ZqfPN6lAaP5NoYRWj0MByjDrMmdmZ9GxwY36oZXCVw7mE3GxfL2Dp5pwuK57adeOFgQZCyLfBA/s800/Photo+9.jpg" style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: medium; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="800" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCGpl3JWEOxpvfRwMvE2RxuyETvdD3Efy4Hux-q14vwM_hwvNQffesftqJJAMF7uYgk3ZqfPN6lAaP5NoYRWj0MByjDrMmdmZ9GxwY36oZXCVw7mE3GxfL2Dp5pwuK57adeOFgQZCyLfBA/w640-h480/Photo+9.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woman reading a book to three children, in a bed.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsTHoCeb1JZrgBeNA3NegB7tudvMsNeo2tW5ZD-xoh0kgg57pfWCnayC-zCULoLhSHMxhlG91tcHkK8zX7Npq61UVyk7x1rHBwDS2JVddOheIoQyfRx8SFReHEN5ndPlTp6I0yY1mrj9Ry/s768/Photo+8.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="512" data-original-width="768" height="440" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsTHoCeb1JZrgBeNA3NegB7tudvMsNeo2tW5ZD-xoh0kgg57pfWCnayC-zCULoLhSHMxhlG91tcHkK8zX7Npq61UVyk7x1rHBwDS2JVddOheIoQyfRx8SFReHEN5ndPlTp6I0yY1mrj9Ry/w640-h440/Photo+8.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Five children on foot, travelling down a road together.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLfadDPBmGV5shp6mwo0ukBopyy_FTGmvSPRvCXBfu_kml926MLveo7fYiTdPSzaR54Ztiw21A-0ux6Eu1-iW-pxqcTde6URdancM7y22R5zON7XgLOUJttFtXLjmJuX-NUlcpA3MpZPbh/s1600/photo50.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjLfadDPBmGV5shp6mwo0ukBopyy_FTGmvSPRvCXBfu_kml926MLveo7fYiTdPSzaR54Ztiw21A-0ux6Eu1-iW-pxqcTde6URdancM7y22R5zON7XgLOUJttFtXLjmJuX-NUlcpA3MpZPbh/w400-h300/photo50.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woman holding two children.</td></tr></tbody></table><div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkaMHPzS0qH8M28aZIkOHgLv-II6vdntUEbRkBTEBjrMBrCR0oTjOjgco5cfCRvfrkn13pvkgUCq09jiygdKMoQJYQFaVbx3RHb_dr1Hdb20DB-dn6AJM9z4HMKKMnVic1fi8nBwft8aRF/s2048/Photo+12.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkaMHPzS0qH8M28aZIkOHgLv-II6vdntUEbRkBTEBjrMBrCR0oTjOjgco5cfCRvfrkn13pvkgUCq09jiygdKMoQJYQFaVbx3RHb_dr1Hdb20DB-dn6AJM9z4HMKKMnVic1fi8nBwft8aRF/w640-h426/Photo+12.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Child on a tricycle with a baby sitting on an attached seat.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtDsyg50HyENZmGM5xlCvLa7TARhSXllXd-qyyc9NGuGCmIMtAx-f781N8z6url0PccPOV7xG1H_hfgYqM9Rkrcp5uNFzhAnyRzvFR1Pfy8Ojx3wFYv7peT6K9Z7xiH4yXwgU1uUPsx3X_/s2048/10467148_10152316689122917_2134486336529762268_o.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtDsyg50HyENZmGM5xlCvLa7TARhSXllXd-qyyc9NGuGCmIMtAx-f781N8z6url0PccPOV7xG1H_hfgYqM9Rkrcp5uNFzhAnyRzvFR1Pfy8Ojx3wFYv7peT6K9Z7xiH4yXwgU1uUPsx3X_/w640-h426/10467148_10152316689122917_2134486336529762268_o.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woman and four children on the side of a street together.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfWZe2P54tmqP-lDOYZE5oLUhNYYvtfq9alkJ2rq5jdfDHncsWYNruzaNTuWjs1bvWEWIvE6MCqZb8Z4nGPQdZyTySE39LXRO_BO-s9Z-ExlGREP5siXPGCg_IexCKkpsZXUqMtrZAyzMi/s2048/Photo+41.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1570" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhfWZe2P54tmqP-lDOYZE5oLUhNYYvtfq9alkJ2rq5jdfDHncsWYNruzaNTuWjs1bvWEWIvE6MCqZb8Z4nGPQdZyTySE39LXRO_BO-s9Z-ExlGREP5siXPGCg_IexCKkpsZXUqMtrZAyzMi/w490-h640/Photo+41.jpg" width="490" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woman, child, and baby. The child and woman are gazing at the baby, and the baby is gazing at the woman.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiokOQoadEdazxk9CH2zsTmLTYigTzvBRCy_z6zsQDz4WXmIywMPr6W_nk_t6wd_gO5WV0y8bNhj2GPgc3uxL3LsfwzoKx2jwLnEpA9nRae3JNFbarCFzlWfweOOSfJjdDvGjT3MXDp6FAz/s2040/Photo+20.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1530" data-original-width="2040" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiokOQoadEdazxk9CH2zsTmLTYigTzvBRCy_z6zsQDz4WXmIywMPr6W_nk_t6wd_gO5WV0y8bNhj2GPgc3uxL3LsfwzoKx2jwLnEpA9nRae3JNFbarCFzlWfweOOSfJjdDvGjT3MXDp6FAz/w640-h480/Photo+20.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Five children reading on a trampoline.</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrJKDoiwHX1ddDiNvQ3aV4xJm-AiJrvLtHW9AS9qSGI0IkLW3IINomffBxD6qg4V-NhtGcytwWntvlSFq51ufypkdIMUHbCH9QxhcfW1ynynAijJ5Q1WEr8Pi7NaALoUF_3i_1NkWc_Sr3/s2048/Photo+23.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1188" data-original-width="2048" height="373" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrJKDoiwHX1ddDiNvQ3aV4xJm-AiJrvLtHW9AS9qSGI0IkLW3IINomffBxD6qg4V-NhtGcytwWntvlSFq51ufypkdIMUHbCH9QxhcfW1ynynAijJ5Q1WEr8Pi7NaALoUF_3i_1NkWc_Sr3/w640-h373/Photo+23.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woman and child hugging in water.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-0-vnehJxJ5JWGKsRjNhjEI-emLrOzv1qWgXynqGPzoHWCLtojffZ8xIO393WP037tBVGw0xScK5PJ42B5OOX_ika7N7IeDC4zyvlwiHLFsjU5gWtk3W97FLLM09cTP5gsms9fW8HPAVD/s1944/Photo+25.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1296" data-original-width="1944" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-0-vnehJxJ5JWGKsRjNhjEI-emLrOzv1qWgXynqGPzoHWCLtojffZ8xIO393WP037tBVGw0xScK5PJ42B5OOX_ika7N7IeDC4zyvlwiHLFsjU5gWtk3W97FLLM09cTP5gsms9fW8HPAVD/w640-h426/Photo+25.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Two children smiling at each other at the bottom of a slide.<br /><br /><br /><br /><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption">Woman holding two children.<br /><br /><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><div><br style="text-align: left;" /></div></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgufLGofNHuzZ2irYUAgiKsOJGKCbrrtuTX-nTNNsRiE6LZo3Wi7UrAulQ-YkXg4jpDgoBoxzDkw_VXb3_QG0KvnSEsIRLVPKVkzz98xPMSXT6569MeHh4HTYVdSS6c79c8gPfB03ICN-6C/s1936/Photo+26.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1936" data-original-width="1296" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgufLGofNHuzZ2irYUAgiKsOJGKCbrrtuTX-nTNNsRiE6LZo3Wi7UrAulQ-YkXg4jpDgoBoxzDkw_VXb3_QG0KvnSEsIRLVPKVkzz98xPMSXT6569MeHh4HTYVdSS6c79c8gPfB03ICN-6C/w429-h640/Photo+26.jpg" width="429" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woman holding a smiling baby with faces touching.</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUb_YuSZu4M3wzRMc-5Oy1oniETYjAm84yBKO2l4qc5jGCMxYywVjAh8bL7Q1Jcj8PF3NP4d8bpiDFilq8aAamYwsnd8kKIQQ6xnlM5O9YyIzBXLYwIfRa-EUtSqlX87tGCsw4rH3Bajl0/s2048/Photo+43.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiUb_YuSZu4M3wzRMc-5Oy1oniETYjAm84yBKO2l4qc5jGCMxYywVjAh8bL7Q1Jcj8PF3NP4d8bpiDFilq8aAamYwsnd8kKIQQ6xnlM5O9YyIzBXLYwIfRa-EUtSqlX87tGCsw4rH3Bajl0/w640-h426/Photo+43.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Woman holding a child; they are smiling at each other.</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">This background is important in understanding why these
research results appear as they do, and to explain what might really be going on. It also shows us what limitations there are with the present deficits-based checklist surrounding the
medical definition of autism, as well as illuminating the massive failures of the present medical model of "treatment" for autism and the social conversation surrounding it.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /> Any parent who stigmatises or who otherwise
doesn't respect their child's developmental trajectory, and their everyday behaviours as a part of this trajectory - will thereafter alter the entire
course of their relationship with their child. Not meeting your child where they
are at, delighting in their world, and understanding their cues in order to
communicate with them lovingly and effectively - will have significant
consequences onto any child. This is highly likely to occur when an autistic
child is born and perplexes their parents, even before these parents have language
for what is going on for their child. Interactions and bonding opportunities, are likely to become poisoned. </span><span style="font-family: verdana;">How you feel about your child will seep into every interaction that you share. Negative perceptions of your kids will harm them.</span><span style="font-family: verdana;"> <i>This is the real poison</i> to autistic children. It is a poison that ruins lives and sets them up to miss out
on strong relationships with their families, and others into the future. One
example of this is how many parents ignore their child's communication until they communicate the way the parent wants, or demands. So much is lost when we
ignore our children's attempts to connect with us because they look either
childish, or because they look atypical. This type of consequence will persist no matter how "aware" a parent becomes of their child being neurodivergent, or no matter whether "Early Intervention" in its present form is accessed (I suggest that these things will make things much worse, not better as it is claimed.) Whether (or not) we respect and adore our children, matters greatly to their wellbeing.</span></div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span><br />Connection is the key to raising children, and many people have spoken about
that long before this research was even begun. I know I have! I am certainly not the only one. It isn't anything new to think
that connection matters in childrens' development and in their futures beyond
the early years. It matches everything we already know of Child Development.<i> This isn't radical</i>. I</span><span> have heard very many stories from parents who believe they
are helping their children when they try to "fix" something or other that seems
wrong to them, based on whichever "expert" they may be listening to - whether it
is the Naturopath in their local home schooling group talking about
"environmental toxins" or "gut imbalances", the Pediatrician in the newspaper
talking about "Early Intervention", or the Child Health Nurse talking about
"concerning behaviours". I have seen the
failures of these attempts to "fix" something that is not broken. I have seen how true connection becomes a shunted goal once parents begin their crusade to "fight" autism or stave it off.</span></span><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span>You can meddle and try to fix your children for only so long before the connection cracks this causes will lead to catastrophe. How could there <i>not </i>be a difference between a nurtured, respected autistic child and a stressed one? Interestingly, the more problems ableism and its associated disconnection causes, the less that ableism seems to be accurately identified as the culprit. This can become a cycle that employs tools which are the opposite of what autistic children truly need. I feel sick considering that the outcomes of this study seem to show something positive, that children here were better supported by their parents; and in a wondrous countering of the current social narrative about autistic children and what autism looks like in young kids, that it is possible to do so by learning things about how our children connect with us in ways we may not have considered as connective otherwise. Science, despite what people will claim constantly about autistic research, does not exist in some factual vacuum but is performed within a real society full of nuances and biases. Some thing captured here, possessing great beauty and astonishing accuracy; has been twisted to fit into the discriminatory paradigms through which our culture dehumanises autistic children.<br /><br /><i>When there is
genuine love and acceptance, and meeting children where they are at; there can
be real magic in families and from here, development will be optimised because
love and connection is the framework for all of us developing well. This is not radical. This makes complete sense and matches what we already know about how kids develop and grow.</i><br /><br />Supporting children
because they deserve to be their best disabled selves without constantly being
traumatised by ableism (which also takes form as a monster that steals early
years opportunities by making parents afraid, controlling, and less connected), is the answer to autism that our
culture needs. Doing this in a contrived way because we think it will stop children from becoming autistic, is simply harnessing the very thing
which is damaging the lives of autistic children in the first instance. Any positive outcomes here, seem tainted by the full blown ableism and stigma behind it. This
research seems to me to be so close to seeing that autistic children and indeed
all children, require connected and responsive caregiving. I am heavily
disappointed that the outcomes centre around perceived reduction in occurrence of autism, instead of in the optimising of connected relationships between
parents and their children (autistic or otherwise.) It is <i>expected</i> that connected, loving, back and forth communication between young children and their parents will have a positive impact upon them. This has a positive impact upon children at any age, especially when our children need us so very much because they are babies and only just beginning to learn about their worlds. Such beautiful education for parent/child connection over the potential canyon of misunderstanding between two mismatched brains - has been co-opted to feed back into the culture that has already been harming autistic babies. Noone becomes less autistic from being loved. And if they do, this absolutely topples what we think being autistic is and proves to us that we must be grossly wrong. </span><span>That is the crux of these outcomes and this is why autistic adults are upset about the framing of these results. </span><i> </i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><span>What is the answer then, you might ask? Well, I see this as a case for loving parenting. Just love your children, love all children, and you will support every one of them positively - autistic or otherwise. Autistic children have the same needs for love and connection that all children have. This is something we have to fight about, we need to yell this everywhere possible. People cannot fathom that autistic children are just like all children in so many ways. They cannot, in their own minds, reconcile the nuance that autistic development is divergent to typical; at the same time as humanising autistic children. We must demand that they see this truth. <i>Autistic children are never less deserving of the things that all children need. </i>Not when someone is trying to sell ABA to you, not when kids have "challenging behaviours",</span><span> </span><span>not when you are being manipulated into placing them into a segregated education setting, not when you are told they have been poisoned by our toxic world or are the medical victims of conspiracies. Not only is this simply the right thing to do, but everyone pays when we don't meet the real needs of children. Nobody wins except the therapists and professionals getting your money; when you water your nurturing down because you have bought into the lies that your child isn't human enough to need what we all do.</span><span> </span><i>Connected, loving, attached caregiving in the early years of a child's life is not insultation against becoming autistic. It is insulation against becoming a traumatised autistic.</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><i><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></i></div><div><i><span style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: medium;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioxEnrXQ8ZXfGtx16Ij3jyLk8pbq5dUR210AZWkjQ5bMUJ898rWppO1CK9A_Qg7uB-OwyiBFnQi8OJGTNcKDWMZfbWMpWHgpKJLOXhk6OmskcNqQ4VldZkRkEERB5nFofZze6TlpDoY7c4/s1720/31421580_10155780627782917_6669842017482178560_n.jpg" style="font-style: normal; margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1677" data-original-width="1720" height="390" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEioxEnrXQ8ZXfGtx16Ij3jyLk8pbq5dUR210AZWkjQ5bMUJ898rWppO1CK9A_Qg7uB-OwyiBFnQi8OJGTNcKDWMZfbWMpWHgpKJLOXhk6OmskcNqQ4VldZkRkEERB5nFofZze6TlpDoY7c4/w400-h390/31421580_10155780627782917_6669842017482178560_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div><i></i></div><div><i style="font-family: helvetica; font-size: large;"><br /></i></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: large;">Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/suburbanmamma" target="_blank">on Facebook.</a><br /></span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></div></div></div>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-22693519113643115922021-07-12T06:36:00.044-07:002021-07-15T23:21:25.546-07:00How my Unschooled Son Learned to Read<p><br /></p><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="7c1ab-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="7c1ab-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="7c1ab-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">This has come up as a talking topic in my home this week. It is about how my always-unschooled son, learned to read.</span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="7c1ab-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="7c1ab-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="a37lr-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a37lr-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="a37lr-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Many people get very attached to the idea that written language and mastering it by learning to read; is the key to unlocking further learning. We often see reading solely through the model of school, however. What might reading look like if we didn't assume that school had it right? What might it look like if we didn't carry school assumptions home with us, internalised despite that they harmed us first; to place onto the tiny shoulders of our children in their own reading journeys? What if we examined data on unschooled children instead of only schooled ones? </span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="d5q1i-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="d5q1i-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="d5q1i-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="77bae-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="77bae-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="77bae-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">At school, there are assumptions that reading "should" begin at a certain age irrespective of different developmental trajectories, or diversity of early childhood life before school attendance. Over time, the education system and individual teachers have slightly widened that but the range tends to still be prescriptive and narrow, and still causing distress to children. </span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="6i07v-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="6i07v-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="6i07v-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="96llp-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="96llp-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="96llp-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">That singular reliance on children mastering reading precedes an entire follow up education being constructed based upon reading. We all know stories of dyslexic children who faked their way through school by acting as though they could read well when they couldn't, effectively missing out on many resources and having their education damaged and interfered with. We also know people for whom reading became a Big Deal because for whatever reason, they were not able to read at the age range decided upon in their school or classroom. There is also trauma accompanying these personal accounts, involving imposition upon abilities beyond reading, and upon relationships with learning and reading. These traumas extend to a point of people gaining fear and guardedness as a survival mechanism within a system more powerful than them and their families.</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="4ssgp-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="4ssgp-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="4ssgp-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="emo6k-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="emo6k-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="emo6k-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">My children brought up a section from the first Dog Man book (part of a series by Dav Pilkey) recently, where Petey stole the contents of all the books of the world, as a weapon to make everyone "dumb". Certainly books hold information and we have a right to access them and not have them stolen en masse by a villain. However - even skipping over the ableism there and the other significant issues about assuming books are tied up in intelligence - I also feel that this entire topic is ignoring cultures who didn't use books, didn't use books often, or who relied primarily on other communication and/or learning forms for information-passing. We are not the holders of some great wisdom when we believe books are everything; we are in my opinion mostly revealing our ignorance, conditioning, and how well we have internalised the hierarchy of the school system. There is an entire world out there and each human being is a world in themselves. Reading is nowhere close to being the most important cultural or learning tool. Books can be fabulous and incredible, but they are still only one place to receive information, stories, adventure and other lovely things. </span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="en6gg-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="en6gg-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="en6gg-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">In an unschooling life, not reading at a particular age, does not stop a child from accessing learning and from enjoying a life full of learning opportunities and joyous discovery. Imagine being a child and having a parent or devoted adult available to read anything to you. Not only are you not prevented from accessing the resources children at school can access - but you can theoretically consume </span><i style="font-family: inherit;">more</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"> information than them because you are not limited by your own reading abilities. Or by your school library or by a system which believes certain books are for certain ages and other books are for other ages, or that certain topics are too mature or are too radical. Or by an adult-contrived plan that makes you stop when it is time for something else.</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="4vnhu-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="4vnhu-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="4vnhu-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="4vnhu-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV_b7WgE56rnKx58azAw4VXv3uM3I2R1kuSKB3YdB2y_EzlppT6WWC575IjIWlv3BH0MOkVHmokeCedpc5riLkOgaK_X1Fwl8hNIJqZQI269BBLrwVJzF_JXbgUNj1LzrsaKtckkQtLu_F/s2048/Article+July+pic2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1485" data-original-width="2048" height="464" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiV_b7WgE56rnKx58azAw4VXv3uM3I2R1kuSKB3YdB2y_EzlppT6WWC575IjIWlv3BH0MOkVHmokeCedpc5riLkOgaK_X1Fwl8hNIJqZQI269BBLrwVJzF_JXbgUNj1LzrsaKtckkQtLu_F/w640-h464/Article+July+pic2.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><span data-offset-key="4vnhu-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="8fjk2-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="8fjk2-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="8fjk2-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="a54hg-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a54hg-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="a54hg-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Unschooling involves addressing many assumptions. This removes barriers to learning. For me, having unschooled all along, I have such warm memories of reading amazing books and resources aloud to my children. Together, tucked up in bed or on a couch with the sun streaming in, hot chocolates made for us to share. With the entire day stretching ahead of us like a huge adventure waiting to happen. In this way, my children learned all manner of glorious and incredible things. The realities of how reading takes place and is encouraged in most schools, is so different to that of my family. That's not just in terms of the delicious and nourishing human connection; but in the size of the learning possibilities. I could (and can) read to my children about archaeology, mathematics, mythology, politics, history - anything that I can read aloud, they can gain access to. I didn't apply any kind of test or check upon them about if they could read yet or if were showing competence at that in developing ways. They were not stuck on The Wheels on the Bus until they learned to read better. They were not stuck anywhere, and there were no rules about what they could or couldn't learn. Partnered with no expectations getting in the way of their curiosity and skill development, we were sharing joy and learning together in a new, peaceful way. That isn't even going into the discussions and learning trails that arise from these kinds of experiences.</span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a54hg-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="a54hg-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a54hg-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="a54hg-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a54hg-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="a54hg-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a54hg-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKKX9Lj42uqpjRXX_i-uTMcxZzh-WEfl_Z-zanr-BJn48cE0GbANSqF_8o3T3CaEELlcJPY2xXO5ThFz-4oXtcCLUPEmxPhG15zhZ4xA4A1yru50NZt1BZUpswj6oCStGvJzFB9kjqAQsV/s1600/reframingautism11.JPG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKKX9Lj42uqpjRXX_i-uTMcxZzh-WEfl_Z-zanr-BJn48cE0GbANSqF_8o3T3CaEELlcJPY2xXO5ThFz-4oXtcCLUPEmxPhG15zhZ4xA4A1yru50NZt1BZUpswj6oCStGvJzFB9kjqAQsV/w640-h480/reframingautism11.JPG" width="640" /></a></div><br /><span data-offset-key="a54hg-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="9dill-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="9dill-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="9dill-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="6slgq-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="6slgq-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="6slgq-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><i>Not everyone can unschool and it is a privileged choice. </i>I freely acknowledge this and I see unschooling less as a personal responsibility and more of a community one/social issue, where unschooling could teach us many things about the capability of children and the value of nonviolence in their lives, but for now remains cloaked up and only able to be pulled off by the most privileged. I believe if those with power understood unschooling properly, things would become better for children in all kinds of lives. So here, I am addressing internalised school beliefs that have skewed our cultural understanding of both learning and what it looks like, and child development and what children need. The popular assumptions about unschooling being inadequate for encouraging learning; are not truthful. The goal of unschooling is to maximise learning and learning opportunities, by combining connection, peaceful families, dedicated caregivers, innate human curiosity, the drive to play and explore, and opportunities. I believe that unschooling and the learning of children who have grown up unschooled, could teach us all important things. In this sense, while unschooling is a privileged choice linked to societal inequity; I believe it is a vital social studies tool, inherently tied up in discussions of oppression of children as a group, and therefore one of the keys to a brighter future for all children.</span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="6slgq-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="7e5t1-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="7e5t1-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Ironically, as many unschooling families know from experience by confused strangers and friends, not only is unschooling framed as lesser than school but it is also framed as being inherently not conducive to learning. The institution of the education system must be powerful to have wormed into our own heads to a point that stops us seeing the magnificence of unschooling. Unschooling families put great work into deconstructing school in all its parts, teasing apart its norms to get to the root of how children learn best; rather than what is familiar in our society that largely muddles up school and learning as one singular thing. It doesn't occur to many people that school may hinder learning. School has been so long held up as the pinnacle of learning and access to education, that we seldom stop to ask - </span><i style="font-family: inherit;">is it really?</i><span style="font-family: inherit;"> That is what unschooling families are asking every day, and our answers drive our desires to provide our children with this life.<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvsrlB9-to0sF84Aa3QxZlyPaIs1LsoZy0JkabMH6lPNZPaFv7G_6Fu9ejobnSMeJrbmN2v8BRTXXQQLqN0Yc8jZR6uFMDXCoOOz5v_4kYWumiSILpS5q-_acfipcRG_SS6ayvA_VpSuVi/s960/Article+July+pic7.jpg" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0; text-align: center; "><img alt="" border="0" width="600" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="960" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvsrlB9-to0sF84Aa3QxZlyPaIs1LsoZy0JkabMH6lPNZPaFv7G_6Fu9ejobnSMeJrbmN2v8BRTXXQQLqN0Yc8jZR6uFMDXCoOOz5v_4kYWumiSILpS5q-_acfipcRG_SS6ayvA_VpSuVi/s600/Article+July+pic7.jpg"/></a></div></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="cfqp8-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="cfqp8-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="cfqp8-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="a03dv-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="a03dv-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="a03dv-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">Stress, coercion, and many other things that we accept as part of school - are unarguable barriers to learning. Noone can learn properly when they are stressed. This is known; Science agrees. Yet unschooling, peaceful parenting, nurturing our children, making our families safe and beautiful places, and meeting children's needs; are all framed as things that will hinder learning. It doesn't make sense but we all have gotten so used to school and coercion being normal that socially we don't ask questions any longer. Who benefits from the belief that our families are not places where our children can learn? Who benefits from the belief that parents are uneducated if they provide nurturing homes to children? Who benefits from the predictable perception of "coddling" and "overprotecting" when parents seek to meet their childrens' needs in respectful, non violent ways? Who benefits from believing that parents are ignorant and inherently misunderstand their own children, able to be saved only by the "experts"? The institution of school does. Our children don't. We don't. Our family unit, doesn't. If we aren't benefiting, I find it always useful to ask, <i>who is?</i> This can often be a clue toward noticing systems that are at home in our lives.</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="5hde8-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="5hde8-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="5hde8-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="110k4-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="110k4-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="110k4-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">If you are with your child supporting them to access the world around them and if you are willing to facilitate an environment in which learning happens constantly and joyously; your child not learning to read at age five or six, matters not and in fact is a beautiful sight to behold! I believe it was Beverley Paine who described words everywhere as we live, as <i>"word litter"</i>. My son brought this up recently, that he wondered what it was like for his younger sister gazing out the car window and seeing trees, clouds, and the symbols on cars instead of signage and words. Why shouldn't our kids live life without this for a while, if they are naturally inclined toward that? Why shouldn't they be more carefree, outdoors climbing and playing and touching interesting things? Why shouldn't they prioritise learning how to communicate, learning to eat peacefully, learning to listen to their own bodies, learning what love is, and learning what a beauty and joy this world is? I argue that children are naturally inclined toward these things and to cooperative living, which history and the diversity of parenting in cultures before colonisation, across the world - also suggests. Why shouldn't kids be feeling the sun on their faces, the sand between their toes, the wind in their hair? Our children come into a joyous, adventurous world, and yet our culture is seeming to be shrinking this world down and presenting a much less beautiful one to its children.</span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="110k4-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="110k4-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="110k4-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="110k4-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAq9Gn02AKioKNB0kRAq1fOXpbS_yC45eVonE8Lj73pVuI0nJsCI4CthAKccP0frcxKjuKjS5zDVl7IfDogL6CEbGw_JxXr9ZCxzQk_DRXYWFU2uhks_y1JCdUQKYd8wscxI-BGMh91PxT/s2048/Article+July+pic1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1778" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAq9Gn02AKioKNB0kRAq1fOXpbS_yC45eVonE8Lj73pVuI0nJsCI4CthAKccP0frcxKjuKjS5zDVl7IfDogL6CEbGw_JxXr9ZCxzQk_DRXYWFU2uhks_y1JCdUQKYd8wscxI-BGMh91PxT/w556-h640/Article+July+pic1.jpg" width="556" /></a></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="110k4-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="110k4-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="e2ihp-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="e2ihp-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="e2ihp-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="c7abs-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c7abs-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="c7abs-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c7abs-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="c7abs-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">At age five, we try to force our kids to learn to read because it makes us feel better about how they are going. Then at age ten we complain that they don't know how to play. At age four or younger we force our children to separate from any siblings and the caregivers who have to that point meant everything to them in their lives and worlds, because "they need to socialise" and "can't learn to socialise" unless in an institution. Then at age thirteen we say that they don't come to us any longer and don't talk to us. We blame social media for depression and anxiety. At age six, seven, eight, we micromanage their lives and plan activities and school and lessons - and later we say they don't know how to just be or how to manage themselves without our direction. We repeatedly demonstrate that we don't have respect for them, their bodies, and their feelings. Yet we take it as some kind of sin if we get wind of any sign that <i>they</i> don't respect <i>us</i>. These things we choose <i>on purpose</i> directly lead into the outcomes we later complain about and have distress about. These outcomes are also all excuses used for "having to" continue on with coercive controls, punishments, and aggressive parenting. First, our culture doesn't meet the needs of children, and silences and shuts out caregivers who do try to meet the deeper needs of their children. Later on, the outcomes that they caused with these choices; are used as justification for violence and for further distancing from authentic connections with children. </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">It's an absolute trap. Firstly, it traps children and this is a great injustice. But it also traps parents, if they cannot see what is happening from their own decisions. Parents are trapping themselves into a disconnected parenting style that only leads to more and more disconnection the more time that passes. These patterns are why anyone can learn from unschooling families, and why anyone can learn from its philosophies and outcomes whether or not they participate in unschooling in its full definition.<div class="separator" style="clear: both;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9PyKXXH8XosEixx0GY5R0u6TS6OGw8qlhPEgbyJZnujcGfnv86sQFZo6L9YX0dy0CFNq6jOFkXQKKow2SF7I5Ep_FPneZY77thOa1aN_10qiI7e_0DvCpnQBcmriPj7k4gYIDTq4cLO0Y/s800/Article+July+pic5.JPG" style="display: block; padding: 1em 0; text-align: center; "><img alt="" border="0" width="600" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="800" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg9PyKXXH8XosEixx0GY5R0u6TS6OGw8qlhPEgbyJZnujcGfnv86sQFZo6L9YX0dy0CFNq6jOFkXQKKow2SF7I5Ep_FPneZY77thOa1aN_10qiI7e_0DvCpnQBcmriPj7k4gYIDTq4cLO0Y/s600/Article+July+pic5.JPG"/></a></div></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="c7abs-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="f8bjg-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="f8bjg-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="f8bjg-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><b>Learning to read later is to me not an eventual consolation or a trade off; it is an absolute triumph.</b> To keep our children safe from this damage of pressure that is a modern experiment and takes them away from their intuition and joy, allowing them to master the tools of their culture as they have the need for it and as their brains become truly ready; what a gift! I am proud that I was able to protect my children from the damage that the school system exacts with unnoticed precision. I am fortunate that unschooling was, and is, an option for my family and that I have been able to carry it out as a lifestyle decision. </span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="f8bjg-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="f8bjg-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="f8bjg-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="f8bjg-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="f8bjg-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOfA9ADw1yD-z7xpKkE1uHmsubHRg65jT1XDHTk8VswBoNXDHmPu_wH1WSy7A29m6XqcFjTyk-0rRVVSEvgLg7ksiqSK52cL0n7xDF88ZxwlBOqegnLdt5bs8ZN9Tvi3yAY8e7x90YAefP/s2048/Article+July+pic4.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2015" data-original-width="2048" height="630" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOfA9ADw1yD-z7xpKkE1uHmsubHRg65jT1XDHTk8VswBoNXDHmPu_wH1WSy7A29m6XqcFjTyk-0rRVVSEvgLg7ksiqSK52cL0n7xDF88ZxwlBOqegnLdt5bs8ZN9Tvi3yAY8e7x90YAefP/w640-h630/Article+July+pic4.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><br /><span data-offset-key="f8bjg-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="f7mc0-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="f7mc0-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="f7mc0-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="5ul1t-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="5ul1t-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="5ul1t-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">My son was read to, sung to, spoken to - from birth. He was surrounded by language in a loving way, all along. When he was eight, he had seen the word "Pokémon" (mostly through the ROBLOX game "Pokémon Brick Bronze" which was eventually removed from ROBLOX for copyright reasons as it was not created by Pokémon) enough times that it was a sight word. Perhaps it was his only sight word, probably not. Another part of my life with my children is not making their learning and their inner worlds, my business. I did not think it my right to poke and discover his reading abilities - that was his journey to undertake. <i>How could he get to know a word without reading it in the first place?</i>, you might ask. Well, because he was read to constantly and all through the day by involved caregivers. Children certainly can follow along with their eyes well enough while we read aloud, even before they can read what we are reading. This begins so young; I suggest very small children recognise titles of their favourite stories and characters. Another of my children, who is now thirteen, recognised "Spot" at age two and knew that a Stop sign had the same letters on it as "Spot" did.</span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="206m9-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="206m9-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="206m9-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="87tqj-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="87tqj-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="87tqj-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">On this occasion which was the day my son's abilities came together resulting in him becoming an independent reader; he became curious about the word Pokémon and decided to investigate it. He then worked on decoding it to understand how it could say Pokémon. What followed was his understanding that if each letter made a sound then the putting together of each letter into a word was each sound in a rhythm. With this word as the prime example, he also realised in what rhythm the sounds became combined. A week after this day, my son could read novels. Within six months, all his other skills of speech, vocabulary, movement, and his enthusiastic learning journey up to then - had poured into his reading and exploring, and he delved into reading more and more difficult things. I would love to understand also, the achievement he must have felt. Imagine education being a personal journey of discovery, ability, curiosity, self-knowledge, confidence, excitement, and Just The Way Life Is. That is opposed to the present school (and parenting) model we are mostly familiar with - which is people (adults) doing stuff to children. There is such a distinction between working <i>with</i> adults, and adults working <i>on <i> you. </i></i> This is something I suspect many of us can't grasp because we haven't experienced it as children. If you know my family and know how my son reads, speaks, and spells today as a twelve year old, I don't believe anyone would claim that there was some kind of academic trade off with his journey. If there was, I think I would say <i>"So what? He has a lifetime left still to learn!</i>" which may be the case for other children who don't read as well as him and who are likewise doing fabulously because reading is not a prerequisite to learning when away from school.</span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="87tqj-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="87tqj-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="87tqj-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="87tqj-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="87tqj-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbKbwv8iqLl4-071YYmGx8Krp8JPVEfXElg_4k0Knd3Hs1yFQyvMHP1licfU4P3RYx0BUUF6O1kfdStC-Jl1yuht6fqpKvGzVP7n3Qj19jLmnVJj5I9L-VoA39MH2aULd_u2ECBF4kdYwo/s2048/Article+July+pic3.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1536" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbKbwv8iqLl4-071YYmGx8Krp8JPVEfXElg_4k0Knd3Hs1yFQyvMHP1licfU4P3RYx0BUUF6O1kfdStC-Jl1yuht6fqpKvGzVP7n3Qj19jLmnVJj5I9L-VoA39MH2aULd_u2ECBF4kdYwo/w480-h640/Article+July+pic3.jpg" width="480" /></a></div><br /><span data-offset-key="87tqj-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="80dum-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="80dum-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="80dum-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;"><br data-text="true" /></span></div></div><div data-block="true" data-editor="7rpa1" data-offset-key="7l734-0-0" style="background-color: white; color: #050505; font-family: "Segoe UI Historic", "Segoe UI", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; white-space: pre-wrap;"><div class="_1mf _1mj" data-offset-key="7l734-0-0" style="direction: ltr; font-family: inherit; position: relative;"><span data-offset-key="7l734-0-0" style="font-family: inherit;">I am filled with wonder and gratitude to reflect on this topic and the adventures I've experienced alongside my kids. Having five children, I am fortunate enough to have seen close up, their entire lives filled with magic. The brilliance in this lifestyle would astonish people. Before more parts of society can see this though, we need to be willing to criticise our own assumptions.
</span></div></div>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-91987355062341868172020-02-14T21:51:00.000-08:002020-06-14T21:33:55.859-07:00Respectful Parenting Introduction<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;">I am a mother to five children. I live in Australia with them and their Dad. </span></span></span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">When we became parents, we assumed we'd be raising our children in the same way that we had been raised - with punishments and rewards. After all, we'd turned out okay didn't we? We'd learned things that way, hadn't we?</span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">But as our first baby grew, and as we felt our bond with her grow and deepen, it seemed wrong to take that connection and use it to train her. It seemed like </span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">a mean-spirted idea to take how much she looked to us for everything, and to use disapproval and behavioural sticks and carrots to manage her behaviour. </span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">It seemed disrespectful to punish and criticise such a small child; especially one who was clearly just learning and who was so reliant on us and on </span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">our opinions of her. I started to ask questions - <i>if this was so necessary, why were my instincts yelling at me to reconsider?</i> We then found writing, blogs, and videos by people who called themselves various different things - and all </span><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa;">of those ideas of peace with children could come under the term of "Respectful Parenting" which we adopted as our approach. We didn't have a name for what we were doing for a few years to come, but respect was the running theme. "Is this respectful?" was the question I asked myself while parenting and dealing with the challenges involved in that. My life became more exciting as I delved into this </span></span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">idea.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></span>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It took me a while to find my Respectful Parenting groove. I believed that my child deserved to be respected, and as my family grew I believed that my other</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> children </span></span></span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">deserved that too. But, this was easier said than done! Communities, most parenting education, and accessible parenting advice is not designed to help families </span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">on this path. Child Health Nurses, Nurses, GPs, teachers, teacher's aides, medical professionals, and other community workers do not understand </span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">or even know what Respectful Parenting is. Friends and family don't usually get it either. All of this can make an already difficult concept, even harder. And </span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">it certainly did for me! I did not find places to turn to for help with family life, and instead found criticism, disdain, ridicule, and fear around the concept </span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">of respect for children of all ages. </span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Add this to the way that communities tend to believe themselves entitled to give opinions about child-rearing, as well as believing it helpful </span></span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">to "k</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">eep in line" other peoples' children, this time of finding my feet as a peaceful mother was filled with difficult experiences and run-ins </span></span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">with people who were shocked and appalled at the idea of respecting children.</span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">In time, I did find my community and I did become better at this way of living with my children. </span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0px;">
<div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: justify; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Respectful Parenting is, at its basis, about respect for children. It is about compassion and non-violence. If you believe that children deserve emotional </span></span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">safety, respect, and kindness - then Re</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">spectful Parenting is probably going to mesh with you. I think the main thing that we reap from Respectful Parenting, is </span></span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">what we have nurtured with our children - connection and love. That is not to say that families who use punishments or are punitive in other ways do not love </span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">their children, or do not connect with them - but making children scared or overpowered on purpose is not going to be actively nurturing these things.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></div>
</div>
<div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-size: 14px;">Your family may survive punitive parenting, but will it thrive? And, will it thrive because of the way you interacted with your kids or in spite of it?</span><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-size: 14px;">These are simply other, more peaceful ways to live with my children. My children are capable of learning and growing, just as all children are. Not punishing does not, in any way, prevent children from learning about appropriate ways to live alongside others, or to understand the real life consequences that their actions have on those around them (and on themselves). In fact, I believe my children can see these things more clearly than punished children, because they are not feeling scared or afraid when learning opportunities arise. Children cannot learn when they are anxious or afraid, so punishment works against true learning. My children also have learned to understand and evaluate how their actions influence (or might influence) others around them - punishment makes the person being punished, the centre of any actions. That often surprises people, to realise that when they punish their child they are making their child consider themselves and what is happening to them - instead of seeing the impact of whatever they did. The punishment itself necessarily becomes central because it's upsetting to be punished.</span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>
</span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">I think this makes sense to many people, however the alternatives to punishment might be difficult to understand or invent. When the parenting framework we all know, is punishment-based, it can be challenging to create something new because the paradigm has shifted so drastically. Here is a list of things I do in my family instead of punishing. </span></span></div>
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: small; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: justify; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><b>- Get to the bottom of problems, and figure out what went wrong. </b>If there is a recurring problem, instead of using force to put a stop to it, I will try to figure out <i>why </i>it is happening at all and work through that. There is no need to punish when we can problem solve instead!</span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 14px;">-</b><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;"> </span><b style="font-size: 14px;">Provide an environment that suits my children. </b><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;">Often, I feel our children are reacting to a poor or unsuitable environment when problems arise. Children have developmental needs and require certain things for optimal development. I will provide those kinds of environments wherever possible, and will reevaluate rather than punishing, if a certain place seems to not be working out. Again, why punish when we can tweak life a bit to make it more suitable for everyone?</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 14px;">- Intervene if needed, to protect others. </b><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;">Children are learning. They are on the path to adulthood, but they cannot be expected to be adult-like or to have adult understanding. If my child is endangering another person or animal, I will step in. I recognise that I am more capable than my child at evaluating this kind of situation. I will protect others until my child is more able. If I am there to stop others from being hurt, then I do not need to punish to help keep others safe. And as I demonstrate kindness to my children, and the importance of protecting others through my actions, they are learning this.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 14px;">- Intervene if needed, to respect the rights of others. </b><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;">I mentioned above that I will protect others if necessary. This also extends to protecting property, abiding by major etiquette (such as preventing my child from touching a delicate museum exhibit if they cannot understand the importance of this), and myself apologising or navigating other social things. This is all done instead of punishment or force. If I am more able than my child, I will myself step in to sort things out without punishment or shame. </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 14px;">- Work on my own emotional regulation and my own reactions. </b><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;">I was raised with punishment and shaming, and often I find it difficult to respond to my childrens' difficulties. It can be hard to respond calmly when my first instinct may be to punish as was done to me. It feel that it is my responsibility to keep my emotions in check for the sake of my children. I do not see it as my 'right' to punish because I feel angry or triggered. I continually work on my own reactions so as I can best provide my children with what they need.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 14px;">- Talk to my children after incidents to discuss alternatives and work on changing reactions. </b><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;">Many families take the view that any problems must be instantly punished or pulled up. The reasoning is that there is a window for 'teaching' the child that something was wrong or not desirable or appropriate. I reject this. There is no single window of learning for things like this, our children have plenty of time. I very often discuss things with my children when we are all calmer and better able to discuss what happened. This leads to much insight and understanding into what happened (for everyone involved in the discussion) and can lead to solutions without punishment.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 14px;">- Understand child development and why children may act as they do. </b><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;">I think this is an important one. If we do not know what is to be expected from children (or from your own children perhaps, in the case of atypical development), we may have unrealistic expectations of them. When I am able to recognise that what is happening is simply a part of being a (or my) child, it is easier for me to recognise that punishing a child for acting like a child, is not a good thing to do. When we understand children better, we are in a better position to live peacefully alongside them without resorting to punishment.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 14px;">- Take a long term approach to things. </b><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;">Children do so much learning and growing, all the time. I take a long term approach to many things, rather than trying to 'fix' anything, or to make something happen before it is time, or before my children are developmentally ready. When you can take this approach and recognise learning as something that happens over time and all the time, punishment can take a back seat and we can accept the learning as it comes (without rushing it). </span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 14px;">- Recognise how social pressure influences me. </b><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;">It's no secret that most people think children </span><i style="font-size: 14px;">need </i><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;">to be punished and given 'consequences' (another name for punishments) simply as part of being a child. Social understanding and willingness to learn about peaceful parenting, is low. Even child advocacy organisations, parenting courses, and self-proclaimed gentle parenting experts and professionals routinely recommend punishment as a part of good parenting. It can be incredibly difficult to peacefully parent among swarms of critical people who disapprove of your choices (and who make no secret of it either!). Recognising that I am more likely to feel pressured when in public, or when in the presence of critical family or friends - can help me to make sure I put my relationship with my children and my deliberate choices for them, ahead of the preferences of others. When we are aware of this intense social pressure (that comes from a barrage of sources), we can more easily recognise it for what it is, push it aside, and continue to live compassionately with our children. It isn't my childrens' responsibility to bolster or care for, my ego.</span></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span></span><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b style="font-size: 14px;">- Prevent problems before they arise. </b><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;">Like many parents, I recognise that when my child is hungry, tired, overwhelmed, sensorally overloaded, anxious, or scared, they will be less able to participate in their day as they normally could. Me being vigilant in terms of these things and how my kids are going, can help me to put steps in place to prevent problems. If I fail to anticipate a need, I recognise that something has gone wrong for my child, rather than that they need to be punished or that they have done something wrong.</span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: black;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-size: 14px;"></span></span></span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: justify; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: justify; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><b>- Modelling</b><b style="font-weight: 400;">.</b> I strive to model compassion and kindness to my children whenever I can. This makes a lot more sense than using meanness to teach kindness anyway!</span></span><br />
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: 400; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: 400; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: 400; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-weight: 400; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBYMkah-m2Ptk2FFLCwpBMdhejfKXt-6PErhuZRBRsWkXSs1vllD2UvmazLHfc2FPNLvQERmt_6beEjTPkBJUQxA-K-kgSXUS_9DpAicTAQ-GgsPIf-lFRh-XNh3EE2jklOALDOOFbN4_B/s1600/babysmiling.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1212" data-original-width="1600" height="302" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBYMkah-m2Ptk2FFLCwpBMdhejfKXt-6PErhuZRBRsWkXSs1vllD2UvmazLHfc2FPNLvQERmt_6beEjTPkBJUQxA-K-kgSXUS_9DpAicTAQ-GgsPIf-lFRh-XNh3EE2jklOALDOOFbN4_B/s400/babysmiling.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
<div style="font-weight: 400; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="font-weight: 400; text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-size: 14px;"></span></span><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
</div>
<div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: left; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="color: black; font-size: medium; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Respectful Parenting is an option of raising children that involves supporting our kids without punishments and rewards. It involves kindness instead of meanness. It involves thinking about why something is happening rather than looking superficially at a situation, or without consideration for how that situation transpired. It is about flipping the traditional parenting paradigm on its head and considering our kids as complex people with complex needs that exist outside of adults, instead of things waiting to be moulded and defined by adults. In a more simple way, it is about living alongside your children and loving them while supporting them without violence.</span></div>
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">********************************************************************************************************************</span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span></div>
</div>
<div style="margin: 0px;">
<div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="color: #333333;"><span style="background-color: #fafafa; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px;">Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SuburbanMamma">on Facebook.</a></span></span></div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
</div>
Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-66574009534789415122019-08-22T06:09:00.002-07:002020-06-21T23:10:09.866-07:00The Trap of "fixing".<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I think I began connecting with other Peaceful Parents in about 2011, the year that my fourth child was born. I had been reading a lot and spending time - so much time! - with my babies before then. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was not prepared for the rampant ableism within communities of Peaceful Parents. In the beginning, I was confused. This is because it isn't peaceful to believe disabled kids are inherently wrong - all kids deserve respect and adoration. Over time, I came to understand that I had been right in my initial feelings - it wasn't peaceful and there weren't good explanations for the ableism. The reason for it was just that these places reflected wider social oppression because they hadn't worked hard enough at challenging that. Many people will insist that hatred and ableism; can coexist with peace. They cannot explain why, and that is essentially where that argument falls apart. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Beyond all this though, it's a complete trap to buy into the idea of "fixing" our kids. Whether it is ethical or not, it also doesn't make sense and does not assist in our families becoming calmer or happier places.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSDYySz81RHZsJZnPKnlHhlajiaTkKPKluuryBZ6N3VRoBiIbfuyrml1r097vdPMjjYs2BgttYx_3QDu99rP61V2DQTi-BFNheM1DsxVCZtb5ncgwSmxKJkoLJOADoNMkODw959cUcJv7P/s1600/hearts.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="639" data-original-width="960" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgSDYySz81RHZsJZnPKnlHhlajiaTkKPKluuryBZ6N3VRoBiIbfuyrml1r097vdPMjjYs2BgttYx_3QDu99rP61V2DQTi-BFNheM1DsxVCZtb5ncgwSmxKJkoLJOADoNMkODw959cUcJv7P/s400/hearts.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image is colourful chalk hearts drawn on a wooden floor.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Because children are human beings, they are by nature imperfect (as are you and I!). Once you start to look at your children in this certain way, wondering whether you can't just repair anything challenging or imperfect about them, when can this ever end?! No matter the neurology of your child, life happens. Conflict happens. Emotional outbursts happen. Fighting happens. These are all things that happen to human beings.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Not unlike what happens to autistic children when their parents jump onto the "Early Intervention" or ABA bandwagon, suddenly everything from a child waking up early on a Sunday, to a child not enjoying sports; can become framed as a problem that there is a solution to because of inherent flaws, and let's not worry about any harm involved because that will just get in the way. One issue with this, is that it just does not end! It doesn't. You are setting a precedent if your child can't act human without you asking if that can be fixed.<br /><br />How much time are you spending wondering whether technology or antibiotics or the sugar in the Weet Bix damaged your kid? What if their fight with their friend wasn't just expected conflict that we all go through with our friends, but caused because they must have inferior social skills? What if Lego isn't an interest but an obsession? What if it isn't reasonable that your kid doesn't like huge, loud, shopping complexes because maybe their brain is fucked up and we live in a toxic world? The possibilities for what we could find fault and see damage in, are limitless! You cannot cure someone of being human; all of our children have to go through childhood essentially as messes of love, emotions, and mistakes. If it were a picture, childhood brain development would be like the time my toddler painted every colour she had on top of the next in clumpy strokes, without washing the brush in between; finally ending in a soggy piece of browny-grey paper. Growing up is inherently hectic! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In adulthood, I'm reminded every day that I'm an imperfect, beautiful mess. There is no good reason why we shouldn't try to see our autistic and neurodivergent kids in this same manner. Not as constant positivity or "everything autistic children do is hidden genius" or "differently abled" or some other thing that isn't really about equality but masquerades as such - but as just the way we look at the childhood challenges of typical kids. Two year old neurotypical kids have tantrums - so do autistic two year olds! No, we don't need to discuss the difference between a meltdown and a tantrum here, because emotional difficulty is a thing for all kids. If we expect that our job as parents is to guide our children, what difference does it make if they are autistic or typical? If we stop kidding ourselves that things are all so different just because our kid is autistic; we can see the truth more clearly. If we don't open the can of worms that is - <i>What can I fix?</i>, then we are probably off to a good start!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">There is no end of things you could potentially think about fixing among humans - the better question might be, why would we want to start in the first place? And what might happen if you committed to not starting, or to stopping? What might you and your children gain?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">You could comfort your child when they cry instead of thinking their emotions must be inherently problematic or "extreme." You could support them in their friendships because all of us will have hiccups in our childhood relationships. There are so many lovely things you could do instead of medicalising your kid's personality and struggles. Every situation presents a chance for you to decide on a course of action that brings you all closer to happiness.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I don't believe there is anything good you can find by sliding into the abyss that is viewing your kids through the lens of "can I fix it?". I strongly believe that - on the contrary - everything worth having happens by stealing love and logic instead while everyone else is distracted by the trap.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">********************************************************</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/Suburbanmamma">on Facebook.</a></span>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-39482827230437368032019-06-09T04:03:00.001-07:002020-02-14T21:06:51.406-08:00Simple childhoods.<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Our disabled children and specifically our autistic children, are being denied the simple beautiful parts of a family life and childhood that are given freely to non-autistic children. I believe we can work toward changing that by thinking critically about our own actions toward them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When I read around online communities of parents of disabled children (which I loathe doing but I feel it's needed for the work I do), I am repeatedly struck with the realisation that carers are unnecessarily complicating childhood and family life - while believing they have no choice. They would probably say it isn't their fault, autism did it. Or that they're just trying to help their child to succeed. Or that noone else can understand ("Walk in my shoes!"). After many years of hearing this same bullshit, one day I realised it simply isn't true. Autism didn't make your kid's childhood disappear - them being put into hours of therapy every week did that. Autism didn't make your child feel like someone was always watching them - constant correction of their natural ways of being did that. Autism didn't make your child stressed - ableism did. <i>You did.</i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As more years pass and as more of the fear is put out there into the world; it seems that it's getting harder for families to see through the toxic messages about autism that they're bombarded with. Families have many different reactions, but the only one that helps children is a fighting one. If you don't fight ableism, you are complicit in it harming your children. That is a very conscious thing so it can be difficult - the fear narrative seems powerful. After a certain amount of years for instance, of being told that vaccines and fluoride poisoned me and made me inherently flawed; I got very pissed off! However, many people get afraid instead. Fear can do that that - when you are exposed to other peoples', it often begins to get to you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The movement I'd love to see, is one toward more simplicity for our disabled children. Autism isn't destroying your children - you are. And you can't stop doing it if you won't evaluate your role in it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I want autistic kids to be able to play at the park with their friends. I want their parents to let them have loads of neurodivergent friends, instead of listening to the 'experts' who think our kids should be with mostly their typical peers so that some of those presumed good neurotypical things might rub off. I want them to have typical friends if they want, of course. But I want children to have opportunities to find the right friends for them and the support to maintain them. I want autistic kids to be able to have atypical motor development, to be messy or clumsy and yet not be constantly aware of these things because of other people making it a big deal. I want their social abilities to be seen and understood as beautiful - instead of conveniently ignored because of false assumptions that autistic people don't have good social ability. I want them to be able to climb in trees if they want and not have people discussing that they "have no sense of danger." Climbing in trees is fun and noone says that about the non-autistic kids just because they love to climb.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4dkTUAORpi6tW5cg1-HfcMqMWiLS9aFaF0T_3gYeUhW0Uj4krMjzIIrH3epIebyddSIk8ne7AEp8KeAewPj_BsIpfsbirtYFLzZAgX6lKUODfK3-VMjopp2eIT-gr83jeY4u4P3cNyxZ9/s1600/playing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh4dkTUAORpi6tW5cg1-HfcMqMWiLS9aFaF0T_3gYeUhW0Uj4krMjzIIrH3epIebyddSIk8ne7AEp8KeAewPj_BsIpfsbirtYFLzZAgX6lKUODfK3-VMjopp2eIT-gr83jeY4u4P3cNyxZ9/s400/playing.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Playing at a creek near our home.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3DcVtBZOo7Di1XrWemolG7wFGmmRGQTuB1PEsl34cskm95FrMKCY8qbErQ-9_HQnK80hKBXeghvpJY4zQDEfF4m__5-Z96kQWLaNDOogwvNLSw2kWtGnWwbkyXu3EZbc0YU9hgAmhFSov/s1600/playing2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3DcVtBZOo7Di1XrWemolG7wFGmmRGQTuB1PEsl34cskm95FrMKCY8qbErQ-9_HQnK80hKBXeghvpJY4zQDEfF4m__5-Z96kQWLaNDOogwvNLSw2kWtGnWwbkyXu3EZbc0YU9hgAmhFSov/s400/playing2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Two of my children playing in mud with things from the kitchen.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh8Cf-Gxua30u2O9vRnKcZAveb09dtzGaW15z0NioXQ92weGe-JjhOnVXTsYNL6Kn_lrKZgHSTnvgXRX__2idPeJknhGZ5I74krVCHCU9m3uZn7TKNMvQmMyD2kNoi6MthmrXKIVIeGmbq/s1600/playing3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgh8Cf-Gxua30u2O9vRnKcZAveb09dtzGaW15z0NioXQ92weGe-JjhOnVXTsYNL6Kn_lrKZgHSTnvgXRX__2idPeJknhGZ5I74krVCHCU9m3uZn7TKNMvQmMyD2kNoi6MthmrXKIVIeGmbq/s400/playing3.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">When we moved to a new house, there were lots of dandelions in the garden!</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Essentially, I would like more parents to be mindful of their thoughts and assumptions. We don't have to over-complicate the childhoods of our autistic children. We can plan for the things that non-autistic children do. I plan for camping, bike rides, hikes, swimming, and picnics with mine. You also don't have to make a big deal out of those simple childhood things. Your child is no less autistic when they have a fun childhood. Get away from this rubbish paradigm while you still have time to let your kid be a kid.<br /><br />Please all of us, let's take a step back from this medicalising and fear of autistic people. Let's also accept our role in the collective unhappiness of our autistic children. Autism is not to blame, but maybe we are.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifn91W0Dwqjl74UvP821bT3fov1v9yucq89qHH0dO0AZJUltizzc5lUsUfEjPnLCkRA5e1oMg4kytbm_h-ZuyLkgS61vaCyuAR4G8Vnvt24d1IGx4HAblwPV9M6CZX_aMn5cRueoJGLQ-j/s1600/playing5.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="498" data-original-width="1600" height="198" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifn91W0Dwqjl74UvP821bT3fov1v9yucq89qHH0dO0AZJUltizzc5lUsUfEjPnLCkRA5e1oMg4kytbm_h-ZuyLkgS61vaCyuAR4G8Vnvt24d1IGx4HAblwPV9M6CZX_aMn5cRueoJGLQ-j/s640/playing5.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: large;">Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SuburbanMamma">on Facebook.</a></span><br />
<br />Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-64899779153195907352019-06-03T01:00:00.000-07:002019-06-04T18:12:01.812-07:00Living in Peace by rejecting punishment.<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My journey to peacefulness with kids began when I was but a child myself. I think the first pangs of questioning came when I didn't want to do what I was told; and when I realised I did not have the right to refuse. I suspect that everyone's journeys with these kinds of things begin then actually. I think it is in those times when we feel anger, upset, and the frustration of being powerless - that we are nurturing a burning fire within us. Many of us will go on to be broken, perhaps temporarily. Some of us will be crushed but will recover from that. Lots will perhaps put out the fire, or dull it a bit, because it seems a good choice to not fight such a strong power. That was what I did, as I grew through my childhood. There seemed no point in fighting an unwinnable battle. I was no match for the adults in my life, who lorded so much power over me and who did not allow me to </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">consent to or </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">object to the things that happened to me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Adults do hold a lot of power over children, however well-intentioned they may be. All through our societies, across all social classes, over all the countries of the world and in every kind of community imaginable; there is a chasm of a power imbalance between adults and children. In the kindest and most stable of families, children are born to parents they didn't choose, live in a home they didn't have a say in, and are brought up in a way that someone else decides upon. If we think more broadly about all that is demanded of children while they live these lives that were pre-selected for them; this illuminates the same thing. Adults hold significant power over children.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I believe that we live in a new era of childrens' rights; that something big is happening and that change is bubbling up. We have people now whose careers are built around the rights of children. People are discussing whether they have a right to hit their children and that is a heavily debated parenting topic. I think it is promising that we are seeing these things. Children will benefit from that. Certainly children all over the place are still denied rights constantly and this is considered not out of the ordinary; but I feel hopeful that this is a conversation being had. I think our children will reap the benefits of this change and of the shifting in our own minds as we think about new ways to do things.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I want to talk about one of the most basic things I feel our kids need, moving forward into a more respectful and safe future - <i>the right to be free of punishment</i>. Not hitting children is one part of this, but punishment goes beyond hitting and into other methods which are designed to harm children (and which do harm children). The entire paradigm is problematic. There is no respectful way to punish somebody. When we consider that children are developmentally immature by design and as a natural part of childhood, making it expected that they act like children and be imperfect every day; the violence of punishment becomes clearer still.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Punishment is considered good parenting right now. All along the way, when you are a parent here in Australia (where I live), you are supported to punish your children and enabled to continue doing so. And you receive what I call, <i>social punishment</i> if you don't. As in, not only are you not supported to raise children punishment-free, but you will actually hit barriers that have been put in your way on purpose, barriers designed to make it harder for you, if you make the decision to raise your children without punishing them. People want you to suffer, because they see this as doing something wrong as a parent. They see you as not doing your job properly.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">One day I visited the office of a local Child Health Nurse. I went there on advice from an organisation that had been supporting me. I had been sent because they were a pathway for me in seeking a type of support I wished to access. When I arrived at this person's office, they were so angry to find out that I didn't punish my children (one of my toddlers hit the other which was a sign to me that they were tired, so I immediately picked them up and they promptly fell asleep in my arms); that they denied me appropriate support. They became infuriated. A colleague came over to intervene because of the aggression from them.<br /><br />I left there as a young, poor, disabled parent of four young children, having been denied needed support that I was entitled to, as punishment for my parenting decisions. She held up a parenting course to me as kind of leverage, saying that if I agreed to do it then she would do her job and support my family. I did not agree to do it. It was a course about punishment and reward. I had already analysed this particular course and many of you have probably even been to it. I can tell when I am in public and coming into contact with families, that many people in my area have done this course or are using its principles. Like many similar courses and step-by-steps about raising kids with punishment, it is cleverly framed as being about connection and "positive behaviours", but is more about using force and power to coerce kids into compliance, and to teach adults to look past reasons for behaviours and toward how to get them to stop as quickly as possible.<br /><br />When we left, my son who was fascinated by letterboxes at that time, didn't want to leave because there was an interesting letterbox. Me and my other three children stood there waiting while he looked at the letterbox. I didn't <i>want </i>to stay there at the time - the incident was upsetting and I wanted to leave. But I had chosen to work on a certain kind of relationship with my children, so my son remained free to enjoy the letterbox without me using force to bring him away. And while I was upset by that incident and still think about it five years later, I feel fortunate that my children were safe from punishment and that my son was free to look at a letterbox. I am grateful that he was able to keep his own curiosity and interests. I am happy that he could explore his world without someone threatening to hurt him or actually hurting him, and without being grabbed, shouted at, scolded, or emotionally harmed. I am happy that my tired toddler was able to have their needs recognised, that my child who had been hit was able to be comforted at the same time; and that everyone's needs were hence met peacefully.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I think this unfortunate fact that we elicit anger in others when we elect not to punish our children, can illustrate the sorry state of childrens' rights. Children are viewed as so incapable that to not punish them is seen as erroneous. It also speaks a bit about the violence problem we have in our communities, even when it is disguised (as it almost always is) in other ways, or explained away as being about something else. It seems like; if you can't mistreat my child or watch me do it you'll do it to me instead. That is aggressive and a bit terrifying. Are we all just living lives of overpowering others and using violence against them while thinking ourselves justified and progressive? Realistically, people who say they "love children" hurt them, isolate them, and deny them the right to consent or not to things, every day. That's violent and there is no other way to fairly see that. I think it is fair to guess that punishment has created (or at the very least, continues and contributes to) this level of violence in our communities. When kids are raised being shown that it's normal to use power to harm others to get what they want (because adults model this to them); what else is there for them to conclude but that violence solves problems? And when we keep punishing because we think violence is the great tool of parenting and social reform, that violence continues to cycle through our communities.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In opposition to violence, an effort of peace toward our kids helps them to become peaceful. This must surely help the world to become more peaceful because what is the world we know if not the values of the people within it? Punishing our children does not help toward peace, because it is innately violent and hence inevitably spreads violence. Peace spreads peace. I think compassion is contagious. When we make small changes to our mindsets and to how we live; we end up having an impact far beyond ourselves and our own families.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">To those reading this whose children have already grown, or to those who have already had experiences interacting with children - this movement toward being punishment-free is not about them or about your past actions. In a way, it is about all children of course. But those children already had their time and we cannot change that now. The parents and adults of the past had their own resources available to them, and they made their choices based on what they had. We are in a different time now and we can make our choices based on what <i>we</i> have. This movement is for all the children still to come in this world. It is for our grandchildren, great grandchildren, great great grandchildren and beyond! It is for us too, to learn what it can be like to live with children without believing that we need to inflict pain upon them in order to help them. What if you could learn to just be with kids, without feeling the responsibility of having to use violence against them?<br /><br />Punishment is not something we ever have to do, in parenting. We can choose to nurture connection, extend grace, and demonstrate patience and understanding; with and toward our kids. There are other tools, skills, and philosophies we can turn to as our children grow alongside us. I have deep hopes that these ideas will spread and that more and more children will know the calm of a punishment-free life. I think this movement has already begun.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbdRI03LDzN3IT4bh0z4rgXSa_2rNvaYPd0HJbPNhpF5lMOFE5nScxH0VLfMQGMQc75X8jckIAxmsq51fvAVioNgIM4XnucUqyIq9BvPbzzSvS_HnFEG53XIjMUxMAhTOSc3LPa8hUmslj/s1600/allyworkshop.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1225" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbdRI03LDzN3IT4bh0z4rgXSa_2rNvaYPd0HJbPNhpF5lMOFE5nScxH0VLfMQGMQc75X8jckIAxmsq51fvAVioNgIM4XnucUqyIq9BvPbzzSvS_HnFEG53XIjMUxMAhTOSc3LPa8hUmslj/s400/allyworkshop.jpg" width="306" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I chose this photo to share because it is from a day when I ran a Peaceful Parenting workshop. Times are changing and I am thrilled and honoured to see things becoming better for children.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/suburbanmamma">on Facebook.</a></span>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-83756993177917588562019-06-02T21:45:00.000-07:002019-09-21T23:31:29.447-07:00Children are Powerful<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">This post was originally published on <a href="https://allygracewriting.blogspot.com/2017/11/children-are-powerful.html">Ally Grace.</a></span><br />
<br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I strongly hold that children are born powerful; that they are <i>innately</i> so. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />I have seen (in my own unschooled children and others) the amazing things kids can navigate and question, every day. This seems to happen constantly. I've seen so much problem solving, creativity, love, compassion, deep and authentic kindness, and vibrant curiosity - occurring naturally and easily. I think this has a lot to do with what unschooling families <i>don't</i> do; things that the rest of society usually see as 'essential' to raising kids. If so many families simply opted out of those things though, are they really as essential as we think? </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If the world keeps turning anyway, are our collective social assumptions even valid? </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I feel we should be strongly questioning our beliefs about raising kids. </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />We have come to a point, socially speaking, where we see certain skills in kids as rarities. We have a new understanding of what kids are 'like'. We talk about 'discipline', 'compliance', and 'consequences' without questioning whether those things are a well placed focus. We assume that it's only the "gifted" kids, the "special" ones, who are creative, authentic, sure of themselves, and enjoy learning. If this were true, why have I never met an unschooled child who didn't do these things; each day and as part of their habits, everyday living, and normal interactions? Are we creating problems with our well-meaning enthusiasm to make our kids well-educated and well-behaved?<br /><br />I find it telling that the kids who are trusted and who hence unfurl in all of their glorious, messy, childhood beauty - seem to be the ones who are so clearly powerful. I am very fortunate to have seen many unschooled children at play and with their families. These experiences have amazed me, fascinated me, and given me understandings about what is possible when we make daring choices in our families. While professionals speculate about kids reaching adulthood not being able to read, 'educational neglect', or the (allegedly) impossible notion of learning math outside of math lessons; there are many thriving children whose constant learning is proof of a different reality. They seem to know themselves and their own developmental needs. They are confident in accessing the things they need to succeed at their goals. They seem to see their culture as a resource-filled place - there are many possible choices, and they can think about those they want to access.<br /><br /><i>Unschooling believes children to be powerful, and acts to treat them as though they are.</i> Other ways of parenting straight out reject this, and often work in deliberate opposition to the belief.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I've never seen dedication like an unschooled kid working on a goal or wanting to unravel a learning mystery. I've never seen joy like unschooled children just living their lives, free of the burden that they are not good enough, that they are innately bad, that they deserve punishment, that their own wants and needs don't matter, that they need adults to be gatekeepers to culture and play, and that they are victims of important parts of their culture and future lives. These two things -<br /><br /><i>the curiosity and the drive to learn and experience; </i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />and</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i>the joy of feeling free and safe,</i><br /><br />are intertwined. It isn't a coincidence that unschooled kids show a lot of joy from being respected, and that they are also curious and love to learn about their worlds. </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /><br />I have thought about these ideas a lot recently, while I have been listening to conventional homeschooling families discuss the problems of school and its systems. These communities tend to reject the school building but not the system. While homeschooling is not taking place in a school, the system itself - of believing that kids are untrustworthy, should be told what to do, are helpless against wider culture and need to be protected due to this helplessness, and should have their lives micromanaged by adults - is being replicated regardless.<br /><br />Bedtimes, food, punishment, shaming, learning tools, participation in activities, and bodily autonomy - are topics where unschooling stands out. In trusting that our children can navigate their culture with our support, and that they can exist in their culture and find their place within it; that trust tells kids, through allowing them to be competent and supporting them in ways they prefer, that they are competent. I</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">n comparison, when parents fear things such as television or sugar, they may not be meaning to, but </span><i>they are communicating that those things are more powerful than their children!</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> They are believing, and showing, that things hold some special pull. They are saying, through their fear and their subsequent acts to control things around it - "these things are special and magical, and they will control you. You are not powerful enough to access your culture, and you cannot be trusted to know what you want or need." </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But these are essentially just resources - they are ours to use, or not. They don't hold special power, and when we treat them as though they do we are creating a self fulfilling prophecy. By holding fear-based habits, ways of speech , ways of reacting, and ways of providing access around these things, we are creating a unique situation and specific vibe. If we took</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><i>anything</i><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">and rationed it, acted like it was precious, and panicked when we thought our kids got too much of it - we would be altering their relationship with that thing compared to what they could have otherwise had. This warping of our kids' opportunities to experiment with, look at, consume, explore, think about, and play with things they seek to learn about, is one of the ways we negatively influence their abilities. This crosses into the theory of unschooling, but I think it matters more widely because it is one of the ways we steer kids away from themselves and from their individual learning journeys; and into things we have created from our own fear and meddling. Not only are we demonstrating our lack of faith in them, but we are setting them up to prove us right when they inevitably act weird around the stuff we fear, control, and are upset about.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />Trendy phrases like "the sacred wisdom of children", "children have intuition that we have lost as adults", "we can learn so much from children", and ideas such as "Indigo children" or "old souls" don't mean much when actions deprive children of their natural (and, I believe, rightful) power and knowing. Does it matter if you think of your child as an Indigo Child but then claim that "screen time" is ruining children and sabotaging childhoods? If your child is magical, why don't you trust them? Why are you teaching them that they are untrustworthy? Ideas don't mean anything when the reality of your actions trash those nice-sounding theories.<br /><br />All this is a huge part of why I believe Unschooling to be the way of parenting that most fits with the biological needs of human children. It does not make sense to block our children from vital parts of culture because of a fear that they won't be able to learn about it in healthy ways. That is not how humans learn best, and to try to control everything is a modern experiment. It is fundamentally underestimating children and the ways in which they naturally embrace the world and think carefully about what parts of it they wish to access, and how.<br /><br />It is generally seen as helpful to control kids, to restrict their choices (and/or give an illusion of choice, which is often seen as a faux 'middle ground' for freedom) and to deprive them of the "dangerous", "addictive" or simply inconvenient parts of society that they seek to learn about. But, this is their culture! They are going to become adults in this very place that they are being deliberately removed from. We cannot change that no matter how worried we are about parts of it. If children cannot learn about their culture, how can they hope to be able to source from it what they need for their lives? To deny someone important information because resources are allegedly stronger than them - is telling children that they are not capable, and treating them as such. It isn't subtle. It is assuming that our children cannot be trusted and cannot make decisions about their own lives.<br /><br />I trust my children. They are amazing and powerful and beautiful and wonderful. I think it is a social problem that it is now normal to raise children while constantly telling them that objects, ideas, or words are more powerful than them. I think this is a sure path to taking their natural power, then convincing them they never had any in the first instance. But why would we want to take that away from our children? And, how would our children be if they believed (without question, because they never stopped believing it in the first place) themselves to be powerful, and if they approached their world with that confidence and ability?<br /><br />Ipads, sugary drinks, late nights, toy marketing, television, lollies, swear words, Minecraft, Trick or Treating, advertisements, truth, or any other object or thing - aren't more powerful than children. When you tell your children that they are not capable of navigating objects, things, or words - you are telling them that they are not capable, and you are denying them the right to grow into their power; to feel it, to know it, and to learn to use it. I think that families need this power back. We need to stop believing that our children aren't competent at their own lives. They are. </span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1nN_tYyKh9S1_G4sGCygQ13TMp2Ehq-nMzX8fksEUIs0HXRM0Wy-VirtEE8HlvFSUynS9GgVdVKOdm3JJcuVDyOkmf64SwW1B9TTpqw80ZyQoRNv2oFhQBel9zusFUOY1Hc0eACoHOGES/s1600/allyskittles.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1588" data-original-width="1600" height="396" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj1nN_tYyKh9S1_G4sGCygQ13TMp2Ehq-nMzX8fksEUIs0HXRM0Wy-VirtEE8HlvFSUynS9GgVdVKOdm3JJcuVDyOkmf64SwW1B9TTpqw80ZyQoRNv2oFhQBel9zusFUOY1Hc0eACoHOGES/s400/allyskittles.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">At an Easter Hunt. I was excited to find Skittles.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 16px;">Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SuburbanMamma">on Facebook.</a></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-57393141958069213132019-05-30T04:08:00.001-07:002019-05-30T22:39:29.065-07:00You are capable of this<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">One of the biggest barriers to our kids being fully loved, accepted, and adored as themselves; are the barriers that have been created outside of us but that which live within us. How can we protect our children from the hatred of ableism that will slowly teach them to loathe their own natural ways of being; when it is us who will pass this on? How can we accurately and objectively evaluate the things in their lives when <i>we</i> are the ones who need to learn? If this scares you, perhaps it needn't. We do need to be aware of it though, so we can try to prevent this, or at least reduce the harm we may cause. I personally believe that it isn't possible for us to prevent our internalised ableism damaging our disabled kids - I do believe we can work to minimise harm as much as possible though. For that reason, my goal is always harm reduction and harm minimisation; and keeping my thinking open so I can reduce the impact of my internalised ableism as much as possible.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Most parents would say, they don't hate their children at all; they love them. And while this is probably true, passing on hatred isn't necessarily the same as hating your child. It doesn't take much for parents to pass on ableism and that is because ableism is the expected way of our society. It is there all the time. It has been shown to us in books, films, by our own parents, by teachers, by the rules and norms of our communities and social groups, by our neighbours and friends, by songs - by everything, because every part of society has been created with ableism as a blueprint. It is insidious because it's a part of the normal and expected society that hasn't yet been challenged, broken down and reformed. While we continue to live in an ableist culture, we will continue to leak ableism in everything we do alongside our disabled peers and children - until we fight that and actively work to do this less. That won't happen from loving your child or friend and hoping for the best because of that love. Unfortunately it just doesn't work like that. It runs too deep and so working on it seriously is the only viable option for peace and liberation. Ableism is attached to you. Perhaps you didn't notice it there until you had a disabled child in your life who you cared about a lot, leading you to think about healthy self love and how to nurture that. From this point, you can work on it though. That is why I feel fear and hopelessness isn't necessary, provided you do actually work on it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">At this point, I don't know for sure but maybe you are thinking about my post title "You are capable of this" and wondering how it is you now feel worse instead of more capable! I can explain. One of the first ways that ableism gets under our skin, is by convincing us that we are not capable of being with disabled people. We get told about segregating disabled people in "special" places and we see disabled people as a necessary kind of other. If we are disabled, we see ourselves in these ways and we reconcile that as best we can by assuming it's necessary.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When we become parents, we get told that we know less than everyone else - less than doctors and midwives and lactation specialists. This is even before we get told that we must outsource everything because we aren't qualified, including for their education. This is also before we acknowledge disability in this scenario and what role it plays here, and this is also true for parents of non disabled children. So what happens in this expected scenario of having been already made to feel like we are innately not enough, when our child or children is also disabled? Well, this amplifies things because now our child needs "special" things on top of all the ways we may not be enough. And before anyone even tries to convince us, we already don't think we can give our kid what they need. The ableism has already taken hold of us, because it was already there anyway. It didn't even need to fight because it already was within us. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I've written this to encourage you to give the middle finger to the ableism when it tries to say that you, your community, your family; are not enough for your child. Thinking you are not enough, is internalised ableism in action. You can ignore the demand for your children to go and do "special" things and be othered and given less opportunities to play and love, than non disabled kids. Our children not only deserve to live in their communities as full participants and access the things that their non disabled peers get to access; but this is also enough! You and your family are innately enough and birthing a neurodivergent child does not change that. <i>You are enough and when you fight ableism you are everything that matters and your child can thrive with you. </i></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNJ5n6gc8FGgVLtW98uxUdptZeCGa8wFJKxFANWC3q4nExDabDslaW4A-KcLwZ2eCNZ_p6nmW1NmolK8yyrao1FZ2s-mHViU7KJcAXY5_tX_krSyQ5yqhAopD89_rKh7Jx2OPIYKvEmCe-/s1600/af.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNJ5n6gc8FGgVLtW98uxUdptZeCGa8wFJKxFANWC3q4nExDabDslaW4A-KcLwZ2eCNZ_p6nmW1NmolK8yyrao1FZ2s-mHViU7KJcAXY5_tX_krSyQ5yqhAopD89_rKh7Jx2OPIYKvEmCe-/s640/af.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This image is me with one of my children.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><i><br /></i></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">If you start to worry that you should pay attention since people are alarmed because you love your child and think they are just fine as they are, autistic and all; please remember where your worries came from. You didn't invite them in. They waltzed in violently and never asked if you'd prefer that they go. You don't owe ableism anything. You owe your kids far more than you owe your fears.<br /><br />You are capable of honestly evaluating the things in your child's life to decide if they add value and happiness, or harm and ableism.<br /><br />You are capable of knowing them and their heart; even when people try to claim that their brain is inherently broken and wrong.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You are capable of ignoring the professionals who suggest (or demand!) violence for your child, even when you feel the weight of their expectations crushing down upon you.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">No matter how people disapprove of you for fighting the ableism they protect and for </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">respecting your child; </span><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">you are capable of this questioning life.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You are capable of doing anti-ableism work as opposed to just loving your kid and hoping it works out okay. You can begin to shed what you have assumed all your life to now. You are asking the hard questions and that says a lot about you already.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You have what your child needs, just as you would have if your child had been non disabled.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You are capable of helping your child to access the childhood they deserve, and please do trust yourself because your kids need you to. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">*****************************************************************************</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/SuburbanMamma">on Facebook</a> </span>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-41158399560160131522019-02-06T08:47:00.000-08:002019-02-07T23:18:57.343-08:00Let's make Peaceful Parenting better<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The first night I got to spend with my daughter was the day of her
birth. She didn't seem to like being with anyone except me. When she was in my
arms, she was perfectly content but when she was away from me she would become
upset. So I immediately began taking her around with me whatever I did. I
didn't sleep much that first night but it didn't feel like a problem - I wanted
to help my baby to be happy. That was a joyous night as it dawned on me that I
had been wrong to think I might be a bad mother, and that I was enough for my
child. My partner had gone home for the night and we were staying overnight in the maternity ward. My
child was safe and happy in my arms and I felt elated and on a high after her
birth. That night was so special to me and set me up for a joyous parenting
journey, one on which I felt competent, connected to my children, and sacred and
valuable in my role as a mother.</span><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFQT8uOwrb9QyaOTdXbYy0q9EscHXq5m9WjKkIExCzWvUFOsDNIyCQlYrmCAKmTdyI59U441HfR_lJxZPrV7cwvcocTprWhVxDec6wwQR7ntsNzEnmtfihrTyahrIj95y1Xc5LWX8WuJBk/s1600/cropped2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="442" data-original-width="442" height="398" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFQT8uOwrb9QyaOTdXbYy0q9EscHXq5m9WjKkIExCzWvUFOsDNIyCQlYrmCAKmTdyI59U441HfR_lJxZPrV7cwvcocTprWhVxDec6wwQR7ntsNzEnmtfihrTyahrIj95y1Xc5LWX8WuJBk/s400/cropped2.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This photo is of myself and my partner after the birth of our first child.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Within the first few weeks it was obvious to me that, compared to
the other families and babies of my community; my daughter's natural ways
(which were easily understood by myself) deviated from the standard considered
to be the norm. I had noticed that this caused anger and confusion in others. I thought this was weird because it made sense to me and her
communication seemed very clear. Baby books did not seem relevant, doctors were
confused by her and distrusting of my calm and loving manner despite it, and
the Child Health Nurse was convinced that I had caused my infant to act in
these perceived bad ways. This was the beginning of me and my daughter against
the world, both of us neurodivergent and crashing into barriers, ignorance, and
hatred every time we tried to seek support or community.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In the years after her infancy,
my family grew and I continued to be discriminated against as a disabled
mother. The most traumatic times were the many occasions I was denied
appropriate medical care for my Hyperemesis Gravidarum pregnancies; ableism and
classism colliding to endanger my life and that of my unborn children. On the
first day of each of their lives earthside, it was clear that my children were
part of my disabled community and I was immensely proud of their uniqueness. I
was also protective, and determined to love them properly in a culture I knew
was against them. This was clear to me even before I was lucky enough to have
accurate language to illuminate things better to me - language like
"disabled", "privilege", and "ableism". I had a wordless
understanding that my children were like me and also one another; that we would
all understand each other. I knew that we’d have trouble being understood,
accepted and respected by others. I knew we were “other”; I'd learned I was long ago. If I had to
describe it, I think I’d say it was a happy glow of love and pride, each time I
met and got to know them. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I felt a magnetic and effortless connection to them,
their ways, their communication. This is a feeling I get most often with other
neurodivergent people. I had experienced it with my partner, the father of my
children, too. At that time, it was a rare feeling but since then I have had
the joy of connecting with many neurodivergent people and that wonderful
feeling of understanding has become more familiar.</span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br />
<!--[endif]--><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr-qD2xtdIR1RnQWl5AvkZJEZGAi_mmnMb7s2dHOT369YX0R_eISCaBBgcnRoFkT7cZ3FQ-WXXgLm8BSl0SGBuURq7PklpyNmn9mEzSOcv9Bp2iSM8nmOLhKQ-a0_bjpsmLdcbBHlbwFW0/s1600/DSC04066crop.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="990" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgr-qD2xtdIR1RnQWl5AvkZJEZGAi_mmnMb7s2dHOT369YX0R_eISCaBBgcnRoFkT7cZ3FQ-WXXgLm8BSl0SGBuURq7PklpyNmn9mEzSOcv9Bp2iSM8nmOLhKQ-a0_bjpsmLdcbBHlbwFW0/s400/DSC04066crop.jpg" width="247" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This is myself with one of my children, in a stretchy wrap that has been tie dyed.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0.0001pt;">
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I chose not to have internet at my home in the early years of my
childrens’ lives – this was because I wanted to devote myself to motherhood without distractions. This
was a nice thing at the time but it did prevent me from finding the writing and discussions of the Peaceful Parenting community sooner than I did. It was a beautiful, freeing feeling
to realise that I was not the only one who felt as I do about respecting and
nurturing children. I was ecstatic to learn there were lots of people out there
trying to parent kindly, many who were doing it better than me, and who were supporting one another to do so as well
as writing about it and giving language to these ideas. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">At first, everything went along smoothly and I met people like me
who breastfed for a long time and who wore their babies on their backs. I met
parents whose children didn’t sleep alone and who weren’t smacked. I learned new things and my parenting was always improving to become more compassionate. I genuinely
believed that I had found people who believed in respecting children. I
believed this naturally meant being self-critical because childism is something
that we all have within us. To enter into a world where we raise our children
differently to how we ourselves were raised and also to how we are being
implored by our community to raise them; is an act of opposition and defiance
and is inherently political and difficult. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">As I begun learning more deeply about ableism and my disabled
identity, I started to see the problems within the Peaceful Parenting
communities that I had previously not noticed. I realised that a lot of people
were extremely controlling of their children, while doing some things that
happened to be respectful. I realised that respect was not their goal at all,
just that it sometimes happened while they were pursuing other goals. I looked
more carefully and I noticed that this was the case for many people in these
communities. Plenty of “alternative” parents uphold violence against their
children while doing something else – like food or clothing – that is different
to mainstream. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When I started telling people that I was a disabled parent, and when
I started wanting to speak and write about parenting disabled children, I ran into some trouble. I was deliberately
blocked when I tried to combine these things with respect in parenting; I was denied a place at the table.
I started to be ostracised from place after place, community after community. I
slowly saw my support networks slip away, because these communities tended to
be inherently oppressive and not intersectional and my want to create real respect and change was not comfortable for people.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It is different now, because I have accepted that people will push
back hard just for me speaking about respect for disabled kids and parents. I
know that being disabled is stigmatised. I expect opposition and am pleasantly surprised
if I don’t get it. That protects me as I write and continue to speak my truth.
I still see that Peaceful Parenting communities are failing to be
intersectional, but now I am ready and I know the extent of what I am fighting
against when I challenge ableism. I can see how respect for children is a nice
idea for many people, but not one they really believe in when it gets hard. If
Peaceful Parenting communities don’t have diversity, they will continue to
uphold the status quo. Oppressive paradigms will hence be maintained, making
these violent places – not peaceful ones.<span style="font-size: 13.5pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I want things to change though. I want people to
be accountable for continuing oppressive paradigms. To do this, we need to
listen to disabled parents as well as parents from other marginalised groups. Parenting
in opposition to what our society tells us to do is inherently political. So is raising disabled children. So is being a disabled parent. We should never
see a non-disabled person held up as an expert about disability. We should
never see non-disabled parents given the floor about respectfully raising
disabled children. In Peaceful Parenting communities, disabled people and
disabled parents need to be listened to in order to allow for real respect. We can make these spaces better. We can progress the entity of respect in parenting. While disabled voices continue to be ignored in favour of the more palatable
messages though, it’s time to honestly consider whether these communities are even about
peace at all.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/suburbanmamma">on Facebook.</a></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "helvetica neue" , "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-79346118063423050412018-11-07T22:03:00.000-08:002018-11-08T05:40:30.816-08:00The irony of 'wellness'.<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I hate the word "Wellness". The literal meaning of the term seems simple enough - being well, getting well, staying well. Yet, the actual implication of this term and its contexts of usage, as well as the 'wellness industry' and what comes to mind from that - are ridiculously far from promoting wellness. I believe the wellness industry does not support being well, and in fact promotes hate and stress and harm - the opposite of what it claims to do.<br /><br />I suppose the idea of wellness may have been hijacked by problematic, privileged people. Perhaps there are knowledgeable, respectful advocates of wellness who are not harmful, or who at least do work to mitigate harm. If so, I don't want to discount that work and I acknowledge and appreciate the value in working within industries to change them. Because of the overwhelming use of the word 'wellness' by harmful people and the fact that there is a widely accepted social use of 'wellness' that is in itself problematic - I felt it made sense to delve into 'wellness' in the way that it seems to be used by most, and in the way it is used by the communities who self describe themselves with the term. I am very interested in food, health, exercise, the outdoors, alternative medicine, and probably most of the other things that 'wellness advocates' say they are interested in. And yet I don't use that word to describe myself or to describe my interests, because of how tainted it is.<br /><br />As a disabled person who parents disabled children and is personally highly interested in picking apart how ableism destroys the lives of disabled people; I am being constantly reminded of the deep problems in wellness. As an unschooler and someone who thinks a lot about what people require to thrive and how we socially fail to provide that; I notice how often the wellness industry overlooks or deliberately ignores or discounts things like - poverty, racism, domestic violence, inappropriate education, ableism, transphobia, homophobia, fatphobia, chronic stress, and trauma. In doing so, they overlook the role of these things in supporting people to thrive. If you are someone who cares about 'wellness', and you ignore these issues; you are behaving in a deeply misguided manner and you are also not understanding the holistic nature of being well (no matter how much you throw around the word 'holistic' while believing you have a special understanding of it). It is no use telling poor people who don't have access to appropriate medical care or good food to become vegan and eat more good oils, for instance. The problem is poverty, not the choices made within such confines.<br /><br />There is also no use telling someone trapped in domestic violence that they could utilise yoga, take a better multivitamin, or work on their gut health to improve their life. Those things may well bring an improvement I suppose, but I hope it is clear what a horrid focus that would be in such a situation. It would be negligent and awful to state that the food that is going into that person's body and the exercise they are choosing (or not) is why they are not thriving -</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">especially if you had the option of supporting them properly and instead decided to express dramatic concern about a need for 'wellness'</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">. They may want to improve their physical health and they may benefit from doing so, but there is much more going on for that person. I believe most people can understand why this would be problematic. I feel it is quite obvious why it would make sense to consider the social conditions this person lives among, and how it ties into their well being in a crucial way.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br />When it comes to disabled children though, there seems to be a lack of understanding that the societal, familial, learning, play, cultural, and community environments - and how ableism impacts upon all of those things - are usually what are responsible for lack of thriving. Most don't know what ableism is, and the level of privilege of most 'wellness advocates' means it will likely not affect them any time soon. I have a specific bone to pick with the 'wellness advocates' who continually encourage parents and other caregivers to restrict and control the food their disabled child eats; effectively contributing to the ableism that has been the cause in the first place, of them not thriving.<br /><br />Let me make it clear - if you see a struggling disabled family and instead of supporting them to mitigate the ableism that is almost certainly damaging their happiness and wellness, you use that very thing to do it more - you are fucking up that family further and you are damaging their future. It won't matter if there is some small improvement because of better food, more fermented vegetables, or a certain oil blend going into their bodies. Well, it will, but like the person in a violent relationship feeling better from a multivitamin; it is not addressing the real problems that have wormed their way into that person's life and begun to destroy it. And what's more, those ableist beliefs will poison the environment this person lives within, even further. The circle of ableism - creating a hostile environment and then using more ableism to address the outcomes of that, thus making the environment even more hostile, leading to more ableist intervention etc - is continued.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxzhFNA41OtI8QvKMaSCrNl9hLKplsE8NVj1VK253IC0jj8pvWN9pPmD5sav81Lr-W1miLfuGcR-8oq-t0O3Ztu7FZ5iFn2nYkPu0SmUQgVWqu5kPCkz0gQG0Xi84b9DxQZNT1EiKmytUd/s1600/IMG_3024.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxzhFNA41OtI8QvKMaSCrNl9hLKplsE8NVj1VK253IC0jj8pvWN9pPmD5sav81Lr-W1miLfuGcR-8oq-t0O3Ztu7FZ5iFn2nYkPu0SmUQgVWqu5kPCkz0gQG0Xi84b9DxQZNT1EiKmytUd/s400/IMG_3024.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image is of a plate full of food - a sandwich surrounded by chopped vegetables and fruit.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /><br />Because I care about respectful parenting along with having knowledge of ableism, I criticise many of the ways respectful parenting discussion fails to be intersectional. I have seen a rapid rise in the belief that disabled people need better diets, and that it's respectful to say this! It's fucked up. For each time I speak up about this topic, there are hundreds of people who will continue to fixate on diet being important, while conveniently ignoring what I am really saying - which is that ableism matters more.<br /><br />So, if you are one of those people who say things like "Food heals", please check yourself. You are doing real harm. Food does not heal ableism, racism, or poverty. Food and the way we think of it,<i> is</i> a part of the problem (and therefore a part of the answer too). However, the way it is being talked about in wellness communities, is not a part of the solution - it is illuminating, and borne of, the problem. Yes, your words and your insistence that your opinions are enlightened and helpful - are the problem itself. You are a cog in the machine of ableism and other structural inequalities. You have been manipulated into thinking that disabled people are the problem. How much profit may others be making from these beliefs? Who has been using you, and how, for profit? Where did you get these beliefs? Where did you get your beliefs that disabled people are inherently a problem? And, why are you so convinced that you know better than disabled people about their own lives? How did you get so entitled? Do you remember ever considering that you should listen to marginalised people? When did the beliefs of your own superiority begin? Once you can begin to ask yourselves the hard questions, you will be on your way to causing less harm to vulnerable communities.<br /><br />For these reasons, and many more which I won't bring up here, the 'wellness' industry - is significantly harmful and toxic. Its name is ironic considering the practical outcomes it has in reality. The idea of vitality is complex and requires an understanding of the reasons people in certain groups typically don't thrive. Unfortunately, 'wellness' so far completely fails to do this. If we are to think about what groups benefit from the wellness industry, who makes money from it and what those people have in common, as well as what groups suffer because of it and what <i>they</i> have in common - we can see it is really nothing more than a direct reflection of society's inequalities. For all the smoke and mirrors, it is not revolutionary at all. You cannot help someone to thrive unless you can understand the conditions that led to them not thriving. And you cannot fight those conditions, by using them as the blueprint of your recommendations. You cannot destroy these inequalities, by harnessing inequality. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /><br />If you work in wellness, speak about wellness, or consider yourself to be interested in wellness; please do better. Hire people who are from groups that are being stomped all over by wellness, and work out how you can change your actions. Until then, you are not what you claim to be.</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /><br />Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/suburbanmamma">on Facebook.</a></span><br />
<br />Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-10586943197136347572018-10-30T21:22:00.001-07:002018-11-08T06:22:57.072-08:00It's Easy to respect your autistic child<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I was an autistic child. I became an autistic teenager, and an autistic adult. Then I became an autistic parent. I came full
circle when I discovered that I was a parent to autistic children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If there is one thing I have learned in a
lifetime spent living as a disabled person and from seeing the world my
disabled children have to deal with; it’s that our society fails enormously in
respecting those who aren’t the way they expect.<br />
<br />
I believe that parenting autistic children is not much different from parenting
non-autistic children. The problem is that the culture we live in has so much
disdain for people who have brains that are considered unusual. The term “Neurodivergent”
was coined by Kassiane Asasumasu, and describes people
whose brains operate in a way, or ways, that are not the socially dominant or expected manner. Nick Walker's article <a href="http://neurocosmopolitanism.com/neurodiversity-some-basic-terms-definitions/">Neurodiversity: Some Basic Terms and Definitions</a>, states that to be Neurodivergent "<i>means having a brain that functions in ways that diverge significantly from the dominant societal standards of “normal.”</i></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: #222222; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , "times" , serif;"><span style="background-color: #cccc99; font-size: 15px;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
When it comes to autistic children, parents are surrounded by fear-based
theories and opinions, including from non-autistic "experts". As an autistic adult who has thought a lot about the
hidden cost of this culture, I perceive these toxic social messages as hatred
against people like me. If you live in the same world that I do and not an
internet-free cabin in the forest, I bet you have heard many of the same things
that I have. You know what I’m talking about – the conspiracy theories, the claims
of toxins, the articles that invite you to become fearful and angry, taking you
further from love and peace while claiming to bring you closer. And yet, how
many of us stop to think about the real people at the centre of these
discussions? How many people correctly identify that the basis of these ideas
is fear and anger? I have more often experienced people defining it as enlightenment
or information. But while I am living a life alongside my disabled children
that is full of love, nurturing, and joy; it does not seem like the families buying
into fear are more enlightened or informed at all.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
Many people don’t believe they are doing something hateful when they are
discussing why their child (or others) may be the way they are. However, this
is a targeted kind of discussion that has very dark undertones, and is
perceived almost universally as discriminatory by autistic people. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
I believe that we could challenge the entire notion that there is anything
wrong with autistic people in the first instance. I know this opinion isn’t a
popular one, but I think it makes the most sense. For one thing, think about
the possible thought process or happiness level for a parent raising an
autistic child while believing something poisoned them. Now imagine the alternative of a parent raising their autistic child
thinking that they’re just fine with the brain they have, that they are
wonderful, and that their child is who they are supposed to be. </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Who would we be
without the belief that our autistic kids are broken? </i><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I believe I am a calm, loving, and joyful mother. I see my children as
whole, beautiful, amazing people. I see them; I mean really see them. I don’t
see them through a lens of deficits or as a list of symptoms or with a belief
that they are inherently wrong. I know how it feels to be the child on the receiving end of that and I would never want that for my own children. And as an autistic mother, I am influenced
every day by the hatred for my brain that is all around me in my community. I
have faced hurdles in my life because of my disability and from having a
parent who viewed me as faulty. And yet, my life feels happy.</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> So, why is it so hard for others? That is what I ask myself as I consider how to improve life for families and children. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Can someone who believes their child is
inherently wrong in their unfiltered and natural ways of being; ever be in a
truly respectful relationship with that child? Can they feel the connection to their children that I do to mine, and with it, the happiness that comes on its own? I suppose I cannot know for sure,
but just like the parent who interprets their child disagreeing with them as “sass”
or “disrespect”; my best guess is, no. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDpWR3xqR2f31XHG_DniC55d6tX4vtDJXdum-mhRPgGmqftNGuOqXyeFhe7dAxeWPYYV7J6RxW4aooZNPD6kDIMMxkEJ1cDfdKU9dy3QWm-rX0iAWeMCDpT3-jN1HrIof8DSiBm2JRZd5o/s1600/IMG_2056.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDpWR3xqR2f31XHG_DniC55d6tX4vtDJXdum-mhRPgGmqftNGuOqXyeFhe7dAxeWPYYV7J6RxW4aooZNPD6kDIMMxkEJ1cDfdKU9dy3QWm-rX0iAWeMCDpT3-jN1HrIof8DSiBm2JRZd5o/s400/IMG_2056.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /><br />So considering all this, where does the belief that parenting autistic children is some kind of special battle come from? Does it just come from the fear, skewing our interpretation of reality? I think so. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">
<br />And while we could probably argue all day about the number of things wrong with
our world, any of which could be fodder for arguing that autistic people got
caused; wouldn’t it be better to instead treat all children with love and
respect? Wouldn’t it be a great idea to assess the strengths and weaknesses of
all children, autistic or not, and try to work at making a good home and community environment
for them? Won’t all children benefit from a life full of opportunities and from
supportive, nurturing caregivers? Can you imagine how much safer and more
loving the lives of autistic children might look; if we challenged the fear that has
become so popular in recent years, and if we thought seriously about whether
there could be nothing wrong with them at all.<br />
<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/Suburbanmamma">on Facebook.</a><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><br style="mso-special-character: line-break;" />
<!--[endif]--><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-51616542499537882362018-08-04T04:10:00.002-07:002018-08-07T05:19:29.393-07:00A Five Point Plan to more peaceful parenting.<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Most
current parenting discussion and belief centres around the assumption that
punishments are inherently necessary to raise our children. The numerous ideas
about how to do that and the various different families and their dynamics; while diverse, still have in common that they are using punishments. Most
criticisms of alternatives, centre around this belief
that it’s needed. If children need to be punished to grow into kind adults,
then alternatives are setting kids up to fail aren’t they? Not necessarily, is
what those living without punishments can show us. If there are
happy, thriving families with no punishing at all, is punishment really as necessary
as we thought?</span></span><br />
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">While most do still believe punishment is needed, it is also becoming more accepted that punishment is optional. Some families have experienced that it just does not work. Others question why, if it works so well, does anyone need to keep doing it? Why do kids get so upset about punishment if it is supposed to help them feel safe and secure? Is punishment more traumatic for some kids than others? What about long term effects? Why do parents complain about their relationships with their teens, and the behaviour of their teens, even when they did everything “right” as a parent? Why are there so many depressed kids coming from punishment families? These questions, and more, have paved the way for an influx of people questioning conventional parenting, as well as raising public interest about those families already ditching convention.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">As
a parenting consultant and educator, I work closely with families who have already
arrived at the belief that punishment is harming their child and their
relationship with them. My work is in assisting those families to arrive at
their goal of more peace. While it takes a long time and a lot of internal
work to get to that place of rejecting punishment; there is still more to do to
make peace work in your family! </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Most people don’t have much success just
cold-turkey dropping the punishments. In my experience, there needs to be an
understanding of how power dynamics have warped the ability to communicate
respectfully, first. That will allow you to see the mess that punishments have created in your family. Following that, parents need to learn how to communicate
respectfully in order to problem solve within their family; communicate their
emotions in a fair and healthy way; speak to their children without overpowering them or coercing them; accept their children's emotions and full selves; and express their own needs. Those key components, if missing, can trip up even the most determined of parents.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">I
have simplified this process down into five areas, that I think will be useful
to people who might want to start moving toward more peace in their homes. It
can be really overwhelming, and I want to make this easier for you. Here are
the points,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">1:
Think really hard about the systemic disrespect of children.</span></b></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">This one is important because if you cannot notice all the
insidious ways we treat children like garbage, you might find yourself accidentally
doing it too. Noticing the way other parents speak to their children, the way
that professionals like teachers or store staff speak to children, the opinions
we hear the most in the media about children and parenting, what your GP
assumes about what level of respect we should give children, and so on. Once
you have your eyes open to the possibility that we are doing it wrong as a
society, you will be able to notice regular instances of injustice toward kids.
This way, you will be able to learn what discrimination toward kids looks like,
and you will become more skilled at not doing it – to your own and others.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Another part of this is realising that negative talk about
kids might be in your head because of how much you hear it from others. Work on
that. Something that works for me, is noticing the amazing things about my kids
and appreciating the good times we have together. I have a notebook where I write
down good things that happened with my children. When I hear other parents
whining about their kid’s ‘attitude’, I read about the happy things in my
notebook instead of joining in.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">2:
Question every thought you have toward your kids.</span></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">When you find yourself repeating reassuring things to
yourself that make you feel justified in using force to get what you want, such as “My kid has to eat all his vegetables at dinner to be healthy” or “He has to go
to bed at 8:00pm otherwise he won’t get a good night’s sleep” or “If I let her
choose her own clothes she will think she can do anything she wants!” – stop right
there! None of those things are necessarily true. Sure, eating vegetables is
useful but does someone ever have to eat them all at any given meal? And why
does it have to be dinner? Plus, what if he just wasn’t hungry? Is it ever
healthy to eat more than you need to? Going to bed at a regular time is often
suggested as a way to get a good sleep. But why 8:00? What if your kid’s natural
sleep cycles just start a bit later than you are guessing? And isn’t it a bit fanatical
to never wane from a routine? Especially when it isn’t their choice to stick to
it in the first place. It does make sense to guide our kids with our adult
experience and suggestions for how to help things run smoothly. But does this
fairly mean that our children shouldn’t make choices about their own lives? And
how healthy is controlling such a simple thing as their clothing? If they can't even make a choice about a t-shirt, where will they get the chance to practice making decisions? What about
allowing them basic consent and autonomy? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Questioning these assumptions
– that we often don’t even realise can be challenged! – can make a huge
difference in how we react to everyday situations. You may think you are right
when you assume that something or other </span><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">must</i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
happen and that your child </span><i style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">must </i><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">listen
to you urgently. But the real question is, are you really?</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>3: Learn
about the alternatives to punishment.</b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>I</b>t isn’t as simple as one day just not punishing any more. A
few examples of alternatives to punishment are,</span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Prevention of escalation of situations. If your toddler is
due for a nap, don’t take them to the supermarket and then blame them for not
coping there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Communication ahead of time to ensure everyone is on the
same page and conflict is minimised. If you know your kids try to jump on the
couch every time you visit Grandma’s, speak to them about it before you get
there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Genuine connection with our children so that we can learn
to speak to them about problems instead of ordering them around. It is unsurprisingly
so much easier to work things out when there is a strong relationship there.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Problem solving skills. These skills usually develop through lots of practice – not every problem needs to have a straight course of action; you could work out some ideas and take a bash instead. You'll get better at that over time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Attempting to facilitate for everybody's needs to be met, at nobody’s expense. This involves the art of being in a group of people and realising it does not need to be about one
person winning and another person losing - everyone can get their needs met.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Adjustments. If you know your child does not like loud
music and causes them to be on edge, when possible keep the music lower and make it easier for both of you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Letting things go. Does it <i>really</i> matter that your child doesn’t always say please? <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Reassessing your requests. If a resolution persistently seems to be out of reach on a specific issue, consider whether you are asking something unreasonable. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">- Modelling. Demonstrating polite, respectful, healthy
behaviour probably works better than punishments anyway!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">
</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">That’s not an exhaustive list of alternatives, and there are
other ideas you might be able to use in your own family or that might be more useful to your family. Try looking online
for blogs or books about this, or get in touch with friends who do this already
so you can see how it works for them. Swapping out punishment for other stuff
is a lot easier than suddenly having no tools in the tool box the next time things
get gnarly. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><b>4:
Work on your relationship with your child or children.</b></span></span><span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 11.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Connection and attachment may well be the basis of our
children’s well being, and what better person to have a healthy relationship with
than their parents? From a loving and respectful relationship, beautiful things
can come. If you used to tell your son to “do it yourself” when he asked for a
glass of water while watching a movie, perhaps next time you can oblige his
request. If you used to criticise your daughter’s clothing when it wasn’t to
your liking, maybe next time you will refrain and enjoy more happiness with her
as a result. If you are convinced that your autistic child has been damaged by chemicals, maybe a good path would be to consider whether that belief system is helping or hindering in terms of your relationship with them. The next time your child begins speaking about something, you could make an effort to listen better than usual. You have a lot of choices with every single interaction. It makes sense to partake in wise decision-making that aids in your goals. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">Each choice can either bring you closer together, or push you further apart. </span><o:p></o:p><br />
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5i3QKy54UnRGhL0TE17KhT-ReNvkmLsNFgFt72YkqbQr6myTNk7RU3a3nQV0eVTIRQbBIi-WV2kFpTC2b737PXx9jqlbKrx5xE8t83gJXMIAha6rPzeJn6LM3Qrmb7omD-1MX1DzUoztY/s1600/mud+photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1456" data-original-width="1600" height="291" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5i3QKy54UnRGhL0TE17KhT-ReNvkmLsNFgFt72YkqbQr6myTNk7RU3a3nQV0eVTIRQbBIi-WV2kFpTC2b737PXx9jqlbKrx5xE8t83gJXMIAha6rPzeJn6LM3Qrmb7omD-1MX1DzUoztY/s320/mud+photo.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;">Supporting my children with kindness has been joyous and has led to strong relationships between us. In this photo, I had taken my children to a park to play in the mud after some rain.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium; text-align: start;">
</div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><b><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><br />5: Humble
yourself and realise your imperfections.</span></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">You
aren’t perfect. You have probably internalised many violent ideas about
children. Thinking critically and honestly about our own childhoods is very
important work in being a respectful parent. You have probably been raised in a
culture that is awful to kids, and you probably were taught that this was
normal and good. You have likely been enabled into treating your children terribly- society is pretty much always on your side and you hold much more social power than your kids do. You have probably reacted in ways that were not even a
conscious choice but that came from some combination of your own childhood, and
cultural beliefs about parenting that you have heard over a lifetime. The outcome of that mesh can take a long time to shed, and it may never fully leave you. You do not want to be clinging to your ego in this situation! The sooner you
realise all this, the sooner you can move on to being a more peaceful person with
your kids, and the sooner your home will reflect that peace.<br />
<br />
<!--[if !supportLineBreakNewLine]--><span style="line-height: 107%;">I
suggest that you use this list by writing down each point and listing ideas or
situations that are relevant to you, under each. Good luck! </span>
<!--[endif]--></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;">******************************************************************************************</span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 107%;">Find Me on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/suburbanmamma">Facebook</a> for more help or ideas from me!.</span></span></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 14.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-43635032866765186582018-06-03T02:11:00.000-07:002020-06-22T20:55:27.681-07:00Autistic development is natural!<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The idea that autistic development is just as natural as non autistic development and should be treated as such, is something that I have been wanting to write about for a while now! I have had a few things that have reminded me about the idea and - as always - have seen constant assumptions in the usual places (parenting communities; and especially peaceful parenting, health, and unschooling communities) that reminded me this topic needs to be addressed for the well being of autistic kids.<br /><br />I will take something I wrote in another <a href="https://suburbanautistics.blogspot.com/2017/08/im-not-less-autistic-when-i-am-healthier.html">post about Health</a>, and put it here as an introduction to the idea. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><b><i><span style="font-size: large;">"Developmental leaps in non disabled children are likely to be seen as simply a part of that person's developmental timeline. A neurotypical two year old suddenly speaking many new words for instance, is seen as the work of nature. Their brain seemingly became ready for these things. With non disabled children we hold the belief that if we don't crush learning, it just happens as a by-product of living. "Birds fly, fish swim, man thinks and learns", wrote John Holt in his book How Children Learn. An autistic four year old learning new words though, is much more likely to be viewed as "miraculous", or as a result of some kind of intervention. But, why are we so sure that this is not nature at play here too? An atypical developmental timeline does not imply an unnatural or wrong one. If a non disabled kid can learn new things without us jumping up and down making a ruckus, why can't an autistic kid learn new things as well? Why are we so sure that autistic people must be stagnant in time unless we 'intervene'? Why can't we recognise that nature works in diverse ways? And perhaps most importantly, why can't we recognise that autistic people are people too? They don't need everything they do interpreted in some special way. The same way we look at non disabled people will usually do."</span></i></b></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: #fafafa; color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: 14px; text-align: justify;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Because of the Pathology Paradigm and how we socially frame autistic people in medical and disrespectful ways; it often just does not occur to people that we can see autism as a natural way to develop, grow, and live. Words like <i>delay</i> and <i>disorder</i> are used without consideration because we are so sure that autistic development is inherently flawed. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If we think about it, almost everything to do with conventional approaches and ideas about autism, is working from the assumption that autistic development is innately unnatural while neurotypical development is assumed to be natural. Developmental and parenting challenges of neurotypical children - such as babies breastfeeding often, babies getting frustrated when they want to be mobile but don't yet have the skills to be, toddlers experiencing tantrums, pre-schoolers having nightmares or developing fears that don't seem logical, kids of all ages having food preferences that can be difficult to navigate for tired parents, older children experiencing overwhelming emotions, or adolescents pushing back against control - are viewed in totally different ways to the challenges that may come up in families with autistic people in them. But, one set of challenges being seen as good and another set as bad, has no basis in logic. These assumptions again come from the belief that to be autistic is to be a problem, even when it does not make sense based on the evidence. Since raising non autistic children is not easy or challenge-free, why is it just autistic development that is treated in such critical ways? If everything we see gets funneled through this belief system of autistic kids being flawed, our conclusions may no longer be accurate but may have become skewed.<br /><br />Does an autistic child who learns to speak at age five really have a speech "delay" for instance? Why is this speech development not seen as natural for autistic development? Or for this person's development? Why do we always look for something that "caused" an atypical developmental timeline? It isn't a delay if we see autistic development as okay as its own entity rather than as existing only in comparison to non autistic development. Because, really - delay from what? Is it only a deviation from non autistic development that has earned this label? If we see autistic development as valid- then there is no delay. <i>(This is not to say that we would not support our children as they grow - it is generally accepted that parents or caregivers should support all children as they grow, and autistic children are included in this. More respectful ways of support, is not the same as no support. Nor does this mean that our children are exactly the same as other children and would float easily through ableist systems that treat them as delayed even while we challenge the validity of that.)</i> <br /><br />Likewise, with other skills that autistic people may develop as they grow; we don't need to frame them as being "delayed" but as developing in an autistic way or even just in their way! I didn't learn to effectively plan for and keep track of the events and appointments of my life until I was about seventeen, for instance. I don't consider that this was "delayed" development and it never felt like that to me, even while I could see this was unusual. It it just me and my own timeline.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilcuhMQ7bsxRDYzjhlsuadNtcW2-jH0CW1Kbxl6XbAnJ8Fz1-V0K5-8um52WSJnoTzF-6GC21ktII66cSPvYv7UUkERQl8wVOfzVDiQcep10hWeOMnl7QdtvV6DWztKhH5n3o-csg64pl9/s1600/IMG_6263.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilcuhMQ7bsxRDYzjhlsuadNtcW2-jH0CW1Kbxl6XbAnJ8Fz1-V0K5-8um52WSJnoTzF-6GC21ktII66cSPvYv7UUkERQl8wVOfzVDiQcep10hWeOMnl7QdtvV6DWztKhH5n3o-csg64pl9/s400/IMG_6263.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Image is of a vine with some white flowers, growing on a wooden post. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br />If we challenged the assumption that autistic development is unnatural, how might our interpretation of autistic people change? </i><br /><br />Would we be less likely to fall victim to the marketing schemes (fear based and 'hope' based) of autism therapies? Would we be more calm as parents to our autistic children? Would we be more responsive to our children and less concerned about 'teachable moments'? Would our communities respect autistic children more instead of pressuring them toward neurotypical norms such as when they speak, how they speak, how they make eye contact, how they socialise, how they express their emotions, how they play, and how they move?<br /><br />I think there are so many things that would change if we began to see autistic people as an okay, valuable part of our world, and if we began to see autistic development as natural and not something that requires "intervention" (why not call it support, in the way we call it for non autistic kids to set up their lives to help them thrive?). I think families would be happier and more connected, parents would be calmer and less concerned about their child's current skills, and of course autistic people would be much more likely to thrive because their unique selves would be embraced instead of seen as automatically problematic. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So, I believe it would be great if we talked about this idea more and challenged dominant discourse. Maybe together we can spread this idea that autistic developmental trajectories are natural and not flawed. We could change the lives of autistic children who currently are being subjected to the assumption that the way they experience the world requires fixing.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
*************************************************************************<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/suburbanmamma">on Facebook</a>, to read more about this option for your family.</span><br />
<br />
<br />Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-34499431217772465532018-06-02T02:29:00.003-07:002018-06-02T22:36:50.268-07:00Discussing autism is necessary.<span style="color: #333333; font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I have written before about peaceful parenting communities and how so many of them are unsafe for disabled parents. In part, this is due to the way that non disabled parents hold tightly to their idea that speaking about disability is disrespectful and inherently medical or deficits-based. The opinions of disabled parents and their life experience living as disabled children (often with parents who believed the same thing) get overpowered and shut down, their experiences not valued. Ironically, it is disrespectful to do this but the excuse often given is that such people were trying to be respectful to disabled people. It isn't respectful to ignore our experiences or speak over us about our own lives though, so this is something that is a problem and that could be changed to improve the lives of disabled parents and other disabled adults who speak about disability. It would also improve the lives of disabled children because the experiences we had as children could be learned from. I have written this post about why I think it is important for new, and wider, conversations about disability to open up; and why it is important for this culture of drowning out the disabled voices with non disabled ones, to be challenged and overcome.<br /><br />Many people get upset when they hear the word "autistic". They often believe it is an innately negative word, and/or innately medical. They believe that it is a way of describing deficits or something wrong with someone. There are different ways to speak about and view autism though. There isn't inherent disrespect in simply acknowledging disability or in acknowledging that autistic people exist.</span><br />
<div>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Take these 2 examples for instance.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"My life is terrible and difficult because my child has autism, but I am trying to battle through. Something caused this and I have to suffer for it".</i> That is an example of Martyrdom and seeing autism as an inherent problem that has to be framed positively because of its inherent badness.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"My child is autistic. It is a part of them and they deserve respect and support - like all kids do!"</i> This is seeming like No Big Deal while still acknowledging the diversity of human kind.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I think when we look at this idea closely - the idea of different ways to speak about the same topic - we can see the difference between <a href="http://neurocosmopolitanism.com/throw-away-the-masters-tools-liberating-ourselves-from-the-pathology-paradigm/">the Pathology Paradigm and the Neurodiversity Paradigm</a>. We can see the difference between medicalising our children and seeing them through a lens of deficits; and seeing them as okay and valid just as they are. Or in simple terms, we can see the difference between respectful words, and disrespectful words. Perhaps you can see the difference between a parent who is making their child's disability all about them by centering themselves and their own expectations at the expense of their child, and a disabled activist speaking about their own life.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I think we can more easily critique media representations of autistic people for instance, when we realise that there are respectful ways to represent the topic. Then disrespectful commentary can be noticed as such - to replace the belief that an inherent badness of disability has unavoidably, automatically led to certain kinds of commentary.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If we think carefully about respect and if we value it, then we can conclude that the opinion of an actual disabled person about disability is more valuable than other opinions about disability, as another example. We can learn the difference between pathologising language that is deficit-based and medicalised (such as ASD, person with autism, condition, Asperger's Syndrome) and language that is non pathologising and political as a tool of respect and acceptance (such as autistic, neurodivergent, disabled).</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Learning to see the difference can take time and practice. Many people simply absorb the messages they hear about autism and disability; without pulling those apart or questioning whether to believe them (or without wondering <i>which</i> ones to believe, or reject). This could be a reason why the most common messages become the most widely believed. Another reason why people have such a hard time learning to critique disability discussion and work out what part ableism plays in it, is because of disability being seen in such a taboo light. When we shy away from speaking about disability however, we are failing to improve the lives of disabled people.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If we refuse to think about or address the ableism in the "toxins leads to autism" communities for example - how can we fairly say that we stand for the rights of disabled children? If we remove ourselves from any debate or discussion around disability (because we don't like the words disabled people have chosen to refer to themselves with), isn't this just conveniently leaving the hard work of fighting for their own rights, to disabled people themselves? Maybe you think "toxins" is a silly argument, but the rights of children are being impeded upon because of it. Your opinion on whether it's silly, has no impact upon its effects. Your privilege is allowing you to step away from it but disabled people don't have that luxury - our wellbeing is at risk. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br />I have even seen people tie themselves in mental knots trying to prove that autism doesn't exist, or to show we can't prove that it does exist. They choose to do this instead of acknowledging the ableism against people who are acting in ways that lead to them being identified as autistic, or that cause them to be discriminated against for acting in ways that others don't expect and/or like (whether the word 'autism' is used or not).</span><br />
<div>
</div>
</div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In the places where people say they "disagree with labels" or that they don't want to acknowledge disability because they personally don't like speaking about it; what they are doing (however well-meaning) is keeping the conversation from growing. Not all conversations about disability are the same - and if we try to shut down speaking about it altogether, we are restricting the process of critiquing different ways to approach disability.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I think it is essential that we talk about disability, so that disabled people can access better lives, more supported lives, greater acceptance within their communities, greater access to their communities - and so we can hold the media and carers of disabled people, accountable for their harmful contribution to disability discussion. The time has come to move away from refusing to speak about disability because we think it is a negative label, and into respectful discussion of disability and respectful consultation of disabled people.<br /><br /><br />***********************************************************<br /><br /><br />Find Me on <a href="http://www.facebook.com/suburbanmamma">Facebook</a> to read more of my ideas, or to learn more about my family and how we live.</span><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-20700311841817174212017-10-11T09:28:00.002-07:002019-06-10T01:05:15.731-07:00Unschooling, peace, and exuberant living.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I have mothered - and am living alongside - five children. When I held each of them for the first time, when I saw their tiny toes and gangly limbs, the tufts of hair on their heads; I was myself born into new levels of wisdom, love, and commitment to all things good in the world.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">When they were babies, I saw them watching my mouth as I spoke, turning their heads toward light, noises, and people they loved. I noticed their understanding of words growing with time. This was so beautiful to watch.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Toddlers are incredible to observe! Seeing how my little ones threw themselves at the world, learning about so many things in their lives, was a joy. I don't believe it is appropriate to try to stop this; such is the ferociousness and vibrancy of these efforts.<br /><br />My children growing past toddlerhood, just beginning to be able to do important things on their own - such as taking a small, picture (or mental) list and picking up some groceries; putting their tiny hands onto a huge jug to pour their own water or milk; fetching herbs from the garden to put on the roast potatoes; bringing me a bunch of flowers carefully chosen and wrapped in string; helping the smaller children and tending to their upsets - have been incredible to behold. There have been such gorgeous smiles. There has been deep pride evident on their faces. This newness for children, of beginning to participate more in their wider culture, grows from there.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">As my children grew, I kept them out of school. My partner and I decided on unschooling. We wished to allow this path that our precious children were doing so well along, to continue. We saw the wonderful things it was bringing, and we wanted more of that for our children and our family.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I love unschooling. It has brought so much to all of our lives. I am a lover of natural learning, of all things exuberant and vibrant. I am mesmerised by the play of free children. I am fascinated by the compassion, confidence, and wisdom in the way children hold themselves in the world when they have not been imposed upon with the culture of school and the things that work to uphold that. I am desperate to shout this magnificence from the rooftops because imagine if more people knew what was possible when you honour children and when you treat them like the sacred, intuitive people that they are. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It has been such a heartening journey for me. I have been able to see what children are capable of and to see what is possible when the currently accepted social "facts" about children and what they need, are rejected for compassion and calm and connection. I see my kids at play and the learning they have happening constantly just looks so </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">fun. </i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It doesn't look a thing like school and it's amazing.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I hear a lot of arguments against unschooling. The main one is that it is just not compatible with children's actual needs, or with child development. This overarching belief intersects with disability because disabled children are often assumed to require severe restrictions to be placed upon them, and to not be capable of things like autonomy and freedom of play. The presumed needs of disabled children, and their presumed faulty developmental timeline; clash horrendously with unschooling, which trusts children and believes that they are capable of learning and thriving - innately. If we begin to believe that disabled children are inherently faulty, then this instantly comes up against the base philosophies of unschooling.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br />But these are also the easiest arguments for me to discard. These are all <i>presumed </i>needs. They are interpretations of what kids need based on a model which puts school upon them from birth, and which has treated children a certain way for a long time. This has skewed our abilities to see what could happen if we stopped doing it. For disabled children, the medical model/pathology paradigm tends to be put upon them from birth, along with the school model. What if we raised them differently from the beginning? How different things could be!<br /><br />Unschooling is in support of what children need, because Unschooling is about kindness, respect, autonomy, happiness, and learning! These are wonderful things and children gain so much from having opportunities for those things. Disabled and non disabled kids thrive when they are afforded the respect and nurturing that help all children to be their dazzling selves. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI05s1oHNVtrYSCvqd7KPBHu-C1on7Vnj9AsCbWLR34hJMwW9VJ5_1TzDfX5V0xHJBmnz080cGspBZXCjfIGT89jyCo38oo4TuRTHcxSk2N7sbM5yT3iFGIXiWvxBn8YDSayNR5tm1-a_C/s1600/IMG_8167.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiI05s1oHNVtrYSCvqd7KPBHu-C1on7Vnj9AsCbWLR34hJMwW9VJ5_1TzDfX5V0xHJBmnz080cGspBZXCjfIGT89jyCo38oo4TuRTHcxSk2N7sbM5yT3iFGIXiWvxBn8YDSayNR5tm1-a_C/s640/IMG_8167.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
An outdoor play area. These jars get filled with leaves, flowers, dirt, sticks, water, and grass chopped up with scissors.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBhZd4nrQ_RKs34aKReXgRz7Sr1NTB3b1-MkeIL8_L3-5T1GeRp0WPYBwvOxbs9VbFJy3jtVdmmbH72H4n32Qu_zTMKFw1fX5z76oLYN4ZSHxjHV_e55g1prydK64M6R274GONufl2J0n4/s1600/IMG_5676.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBhZd4nrQ_RKs34aKReXgRz7Sr1NTB3b1-MkeIL8_L3-5T1GeRp0WPYBwvOxbs9VbFJy3jtVdmmbH72H4n32Qu_zTMKFw1fX5z76oLYN4ZSHxjHV_e55g1prydK64M6R274GONufl2J0n4/s640/IMG_5676.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Putting the finishing touches on a mud pie (it was later jumped on).</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQb7wFW2Zqh59XiRrAZQFUiLtSp8dV_4jpg9wvZH-mLgl-vTL2gGtmI3fCCDD1wqE-QHzoXcVPKXTOF6-GVMPgcsAcHxPC4CMlntxBsz3zRdfqokCXHb7XKM_Rq1cWAaOieep4GTdd9BKj/s1600/IMG_5420.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQb7wFW2Zqh59XiRrAZQFUiLtSp8dV_4jpg9wvZH-mLgl-vTL2gGtmI3fCCDD1wqE-QHzoXcVPKXTOF6-GVMPgcsAcHxPC4CMlntxBsz3zRdfqokCXHb7XKM_Rq1cWAaOieep4GTdd9BKj/s640/IMG_5420.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Playing in the hose on a warm day.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNs6X6XoU-8_Xn_zdjwDP-gFfbryFHDBEcRxFMKL7dWf6sXSU4vvu7qNhsX1kSRU58DxfelY4lP-fsP3cMktHQCopVu0MykpBEF7v_n1_mM6lrkG48XzWiJb4lDPyrbRjTJITAZAsKoUWB/s1600/IMG_7165.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjNs6X6XoU-8_Xn_zdjwDP-gFfbryFHDBEcRxFMKL7dWf6sXSU4vvu7qNhsX1kSRU58DxfelY4lP-fsP3cMktHQCopVu0MykpBEF7v_n1_mM6lrkG48XzWiJb4lDPyrbRjTJITAZAsKoUWB/s640/IMG_7165.JPG" width="425" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Setting up bowling.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf_twbLVDj2UiIk0qwqRUsxfNvscET7Icb2xLELX6Q-6TyANynwFsUn0DHjFrHGj1cIal1243ag91LqMeQ1BykbcuG4TJOruFbrYPK3K3XL2Ud564xukgKSpT0lbhiDyDKblnPsMcI9tHY/s1600/IMG_7278.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhf_twbLVDj2UiIk0qwqRUsxfNvscET7Icb2xLELX6Q-6TyANynwFsUn0DHjFrHGj1cIal1243ag91LqMeQ1BykbcuG4TJOruFbrYPK3K3XL2Ud564xukgKSpT0lbhiDyDKblnPsMcI9tHY/s640/IMG_7278.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
A clay magpie and nest.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCblASgo6eeQRm1q8RPmQyD49YCm5xy978UqUA3SDpUF9G_m18LBlC7JI-O-rBS3j38_eg3MLb8QfIgCSwU4TwhtDjy8KvSHPOwp2N247dZBJh1BAmSg_pBbA9MpJacH1zYvvc954I1atr/s1600/IMG_8326.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiCblASgo6eeQRm1q8RPmQyD49YCm5xy978UqUA3SDpUF9G_m18LBlC7JI-O-rBS3j38_eg3MLb8QfIgCSwU4TwhtDjy8KvSHPOwp2N247dZBJh1BAmSg_pBbA9MpJacH1zYvvc954I1atr/s640/IMG_8326.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Drifting on an inflatable swan.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinbZGRxG317Xycpgsc_SY0qKObWyY56ehLS2lSDRKQp-d1OZ7260FnSK0x-CODLOU8CPhOCIza-eAvF0f0NvWYWmOQv5S3RKztMKfvIsQon8S5vxGRn7es0wBpGIjGXCjDJpKVDVqNANBv/s1600/IMG_7879.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEinbZGRxG317Xycpgsc_SY0qKObWyY56ehLS2lSDRKQp-d1OZ7260FnSK0x-CODLOU8CPhOCIza-eAvF0f0NvWYWmOQv5S3RKztMKfvIsQon8S5vxGRn7es0wBpGIjGXCjDJpKVDVqNANBv/s640/IMG_7879.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Our first potato plant!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWdLVoMcCUkAutI3a-KSyZkZZ_1e8y7405cdFeb7Dg5gNvlnMI8aWVxV3TE0sZYJqvSNAOd7gr6KxO1d6JOKuyQkbORuUaZ3OrrpkMvSaznxU_iS3lJvz4j5dmFyzyMR4jUNofid8BXES2/s1600/IMG_7252.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWdLVoMcCUkAutI3a-KSyZkZZ_1e8y7405cdFeb7Dg5gNvlnMI8aWVxV3TE0sZYJqvSNAOd7gr6KxO1d6JOKuyQkbORuUaZ3OrrpkMvSaznxU_iS3lJvz4j5dmFyzyMR4jUNofid8BXES2/s640/IMG_7252.JPG" width="425" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Taking a doll with a raincoat, into the rain.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJtX-JUcsI2-ZwW_4YArfFICMqi6JQjUUQeMrIxTueSs97LGnyALS605wsM-REqJJd14c_Coub5JPNlfMepXPpDKLKbEWMDc2QoVsJhktX59IG4ew62ouWCPsxtnAi6stw1_06ivAgF-GE/s1600/IMG_8118.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjJtX-JUcsI2-ZwW_4YArfFICMqi6JQjUUQeMrIxTueSs97LGnyALS605wsM-REqJJd14c_Coub5JPNlfMepXPpDKLKbEWMDc2QoVsJhktX59IG4ew62ouWCPsxtnAi6stw1_06ivAgF-GE/s640/IMG_8118.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Paints ready for making a sign.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuiTBMfpAAMxcpvJNMLGMmF_BnAYXWfQV6STX0LAKWsOujOApjmlRwxsQx51EeEV52Hn0ppgedPc61LkZ8KvjoAPGfDvP0stgCTj4bw6pZ4BvriFbPHPAo9fX-ew186qmhPB5AgJypIs3-/s1600/IMG_6545.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuiTBMfpAAMxcpvJNMLGMmF_BnAYXWfQV6STX0LAKWsOujOApjmlRwxsQx51EeEV52Hn0ppgedPc61LkZ8KvjoAPGfDvP0stgCTj4bw6pZ4BvriFbPHPAo9fX-ew186qmhPB5AgJypIs3-/s640/IMG_6545.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Running up the hill, ready to race fast down the incline.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg72J3acPJoQwTNA2vsnfl-H3qdU2Vq4qpehIGJ-4tjp9KFiGETtQbQuOsljdmoIVLtfRuHgV7WdX1TT7iiPPbgSfQgLm1buemS-ED1Zy38SWtFkF0kzU5o_ZAf6Pvr5lZyVHh8IMHwrvXU/s1600/IMG_8193.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg72J3acPJoQwTNA2vsnfl-H3qdU2Vq4qpehIGJ-4tjp9KFiGETtQbQuOsljdmoIVLtfRuHgV7WdX1TT7iiPPbgSfQgLm1buemS-ED1Zy38SWtFkF0kzU5o_ZAf6Pvr5lZyVHh8IMHwrvXU/s640/IMG_8193.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Pulling up a weed.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2imyxsbe1Kg91RuK1mjKWQmS63b_UvmhsCi9RCrdFva2hLRHv1LMIPqP6Ns0-F-kVdTocpJ8IiTF-bvuXX2EYLnQayI5oLZD2dH6aBTFDTIcza-4V6Nw_llOOjKxv1KrwkJeD_QYgWXji/s1600/IMG_7221.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2imyxsbe1Kg91RuK1mjKWQmS63b_UvmhsCi9RCrdFva2hLRHv1LMIPqP6Ns0-F-kVdTocpJ8IiTF-bvuXX2EYLnQayI5oLZD2dH6aBTFDTIcza-4V6Nw_llOOjKxv1KrwkJeD_QYgWXji/s640/IMG_7221.JPG" width="425" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Playing shops.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLGZv8kIsFBkL-9uaUy7XqJFNLO8uVVo8QNLBkvXN7FuC4SIyTqkbIJDebZI5R2bFjApcUV-KP9sIRFSbh8-knhokuG_X1dAWibsQVN-J1ggwt3Vwz17hGW7R1jgPfcnjV-I39I18I02tB/s1600/IMG_8177.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLGZv8kIsFBkL-9uaUy7XqJFNLO8uVVo8QNLBkvXN7FuC4SIyTqkbIJDebZI5R2bFjApcUV-KP9sIRFSbh8-knhokuG_X1dAWibsQVN-J1ggwt3Vwz17hGW7R1jgPfcnjV-I39I18I02tB/s640/IMG_8177.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We love Pokemon!</span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKA0E_wA6QjzG__Yjq7LgFxL3j3edksW17PQ31Xf16oB6jtQYkLOsa5B3KRcL-lBo26iOoKqy46B0huEb7ryyB5NfFHY9ob2kwJ2XTPB5I3kFvk6uZ8d6cbIivlQj08fFVipXaK0NGO9DT/s1600/IMG_7465.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKA0E_wA6QjzG__Yjq7LgFxL3j3edksW17PQ31Xf16oB6jtQYkLOsa5B3KRcL-lBo26iOoKqy46B0huEb7ryyB5NfFHY9ob2kwJ2XTPB5I3kFvk6uZ8d6cbIivlQj08fFVipXaK0NGO9DT/s640/IMG_7465.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br />A fruit "cake", made for a birthday.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs8ZyamTN9N2pBozhEcpTRv-7qneaSFkiVDzYjWOW2r2HKqIQHheiABWHsT3-5aN86mEde5KSgxN89napv13ct7RSyQZkZDv1GASBL68wYS035emjtP7fQP8_1hJSNpndXncY5D3zhlQc8/s1600/IMG_7813.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjs8ZyamTN9N2pBozhEcpTRv-7qneaSFkiVDzYjWOW2r2HKqIQHheiABWHsT3-5aN86mEde5KSgxN89napv13ct7RSyQZkZDv1GASBL68wYS035emjtP7fQP8_1hJSNpndXncY5D3zhlQc8/s640/IMG_7813.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">After mud play!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs5zcy2UGpeEEcpST1wVRQqhd5yf3jusDnz5gIRwWiRsO7xVKDWSAwNONi16P21LPxm4CMOIt4auP_LodHEyLxt4TYdi4Q1L1YwxOzp-zWaCF_uPI7Qwr3Nyyup7UkHXNp2T_V6J3k1SRe/s1600/IMG_6566.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs5zcy2UGpeEEcpST1wVRQqhd5yf3jusDnz5gIRwWiRsO7xVKDWSAwNONi16P21LPxm4CMOIt4auP_LodHEyLxt4TYdi4Q1L1YwxOzp-zWaCF_uPI7Qwr3Nyyup7UkHXNp2T_V6J3k1SRe/s640/IMG_6566.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
Watching clouds and water, together.</div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<br />
<br />
******************************************************************************<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/suburbanmamma">on Facebook.</a></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-14009852131581917672017-10-10T20:32:00.001-07:002017-10-10T21:05:13.775-07:00Question Answered: My son keeps hurting the baby. What can I do?<b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b><b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The Question:<br /><br />I'm struggling with my three year old son. He keeps hurting his baby brother. Today my older son picked up the baby and I said "put him down". He listened. Then my other son (the three year old) goes and does it. I said put him down twenty times! He just looked at me, lifting him higher, and then dropped him. I was so mad that I punished him with a one hour time out. He just doesn't listen. What do I do? When I try to explain to him he doesn't listen at all. I'll start with "We don't ..." and he'll shout MOM/MUM then changes the subject, for example will start talking about trucks. </span></b><b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I don't know how to parent him. </span></b><br />
<b><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></b>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My answer: <br /><br />It sounds to me like you are expecting things from him based on a belief of what he "should" be able to do, or "should" be like. I think "should" beliefs are an enemy of peaceful parenting and will get in the way of us being able to see our kids where they are at, meet their real needs, and nurture them as they journey through childhood.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">From what you have said, he is not capable of what you want him to be capable of, or expect him to be capable of. If he is continually harming a small baby, then he is not capable of doing otherwise on a regular basis. That is just a fact about him and his own personal developmental timeline. It doesn't matter if his brother developed differently; or if you think he should be able to do something - he is his own person with his own unique profile. It also doesn't necessarily matter in my opinion, why he isn't capable, because all kids have their own needs and abilities at any given time and I think as peaceful parents we would seek to meet those needs and understand where they are at and what they can do. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If you said to him to put down his brother twenty times, that could mean he is not capable of responding quickly to your verbal directions. You need to be there with him to help him keep his brother safe. A three year old cannot be expected to keep a baby safe - that is not his responsibility; that is something he will learn to do with time but it is your responsibility to keep the baby safe. I think that was a simple case of, you need to prevent that happening again and be there with the baby, or go there to physically intervene instead of repeating something over and over again. <br /><br />He also did put the baby down as you asked. Dropping the baby, is actually literally putting the baby down. So, he may have been doing his best in that scenario to do as you asked him.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I also think that you have identified he has an issue with how you are discussing problems with him. I think this means you need to do it a different way. He is clearly expressing that this way isn't working for him. If he yells and doesn't want to speak about things you feel need addressing; then that is a sign you need to change the way you speak about things with him. I personally don't think you need to make him see it is wrong to hurt his brother. I think that it seems to be coming from a punishment mindset, a need for you to be right, and a need for you to be telling him what's what. That isn't going to help you have a good relationship with him, and it won't help your home to be more peaceful either. <br /><br />I think you need to be there at all times when he is near his brother, to assist in their interactions. I think you need to physically intervene immediately if needed, to prevent him from being able to harm his brother. And you can trust he will learn gentleness in time. Kids primarily learn things like compassion, from being shown compassion - not from being told to be compassionate. And kids still need to learn things; no matter what kind of parenting we are using. He cannot be expected to be perfect, and being incapable of certain things is a part of growing up and being a kid.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If he fears punishment, shaming, being yelled at, or being blamed - it will be impossible for him to be relaxed enough to be open to your words too, and to feel calm around you, and so I think that is why it seems he isn't listening. That isn't his fault; it is basic pattern recognition which humans can be very good at. If he feels he needs to be oppositional as a protective mechanism and if he shuts down or gets upset when you bring things up with him; I think that can give you some clues that you may need a rethink of how you interact with him and speak with him, If you say the same thing and have the same shaming kind of approach every time; he will know what is probably coming and it is natural for humans not to want to be in that position and to hence try and escape from an interaction like that. You might also be framing things as A Big Deal, with you telling him all the things he is doing wrong. I don't think any person would enjoy that, so maybe less discussing and more natural kinds of talking - as in, just as things come up instead of when you are angry or when he is doing something and you want to tell him something from your perspective - would help. I feel that when we are aiming to parent peacefully, we would speak to our kids all the time as a part of living with them, but we wouldn't be abusing our authority and trying to make them feel badly all the time. We don't need to make someone feel bad, to help them to learn and grow. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I feel that a good course of action for you all would be to think about when things go well. What are the conditions of that? And can you do those things more? Can you set you all up to succeed, as well as thinking about some of the things that may be going wrong? If you stopped thinking you needed to teach him and instead just prevented problems from escalating for a few weeks; I think that would really help and could give you some new ideas as well. Creative solution finding (How can I solve this problem?), instead of trying to get our kids to change their behaviour, is useful to me. So, this may be a good place to start from and I hope the other ideas I gave were useful.</span><br />
<div>
<br /></div>
Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-44749601454933051452017-10-09T03:17:00.000-07:002017-10-10T20:26:22.413-07:00Respecting neurodivergent kids has become trendy!<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I have been writing and speaking about respecting neurodivergent kids for many years now. Over the course of that time I have - been ostracised from major peaceful parenting communities; mocked by various groups of people; received hate and backlash from parents who identify as peaceful; and butted heads with so many parents locally, parents who see disabled children as poisoned and damaged and who see my "aggression" in speaking for their rights as an imposition upon their comfort levels.<br /><br />I would probably be rich by now if I had received $1 for every time one of these (so-called) Peaceful Parents condescendingly explained to me why I am wrong and that autistic children do not deserve the same respect as the non autistic ones. I would be even richer if I received an additional $1 for the number of Unschoolers telling me that I just don't understand the dysfunction of their autistic child, that they have been burdened with a disabled kid and that I am a big meanie because I want their child to be respected. I would be rolling in it if I also added $1 for each time the anti-label brigade came along to use labels like Highly Sensitive, Explosive, Gifted, or Indigo while telling me I was damaging the rights of children by using disabled and autistic. Because this one is particularly annoying, I would have liked to claim $5 for each time the same people who tell me that childhood is being pathologised and children should be spared of any labels linked to disability, also claimed that toxins are causing rates of neurodivergence to skyrocket (like, didn't you just say that 'labelling' was bad and we should let kids be? And now you are on a fear-mongering crusade, using those same labels to suit your agenda?), and then added (in a long rant, or sometimes several) that had their child been "allowed" to be labelled, they would have been (so, now you're saying that your child is disabled but you just don't want to use that word?! How does that fit into the toxins thing? And the "these things don't actually exist, it is just people pathologising childhood" thing?). And I would probably have just left the online world and moved to an island of my own somewhere if I also received $10 each for all the non autistic people telling me I had got it all wrong, and autistic kids were lovely and special and they had never seen anyone dismiss their rights so why was I making a problem where there wasn't one? Ah yes, those are all such happy memories of the enemies I have made along the way and the flood of notifications I get on social media each time I say something about ableism.<br /><br />I have been in the firing line for a long time now. I am the one out there in the arena putting my unpopular thoughts to paper (so to speak), and speaking up time and time again when it would be easier (and a smart move professionally-speaking, because many of the well-known alternative parenting writers and speakers are deeply ableist) to say nothing, to go along with the Nature themed childhood thing, and to allow the purist talk of perfect, non disabled children to continue unchecked. Six years ago, it was dreadful because my thoughts were mostly met with silence, or abuse, or people telling me I had "a screw loose". Five years ago it was no longer silence, but the abuse went up and so did the aggressive attempts to paint me as an unreliable source of thought. Four years ago, I was mainly mocked, excluded, and gossiped about as that person who was too autistic to know what I was talking about and who talked about Unschooling but didn't understand it (because having a different experience and opinion on disability meant I didn't understand what I was saying). Three years ago is when a small number of people began reacting really positively to my ideas about respecting autistic, neurodivergent, and disabled children. Two years ago, groups, blogs, speakers, and opinions began to pop up all over the place - respect for neurodivergent children was growing. One year ago, I stopped feeling like I was going to be abused publicly every time I wrote something. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And today, well I see articles all the time using words like "neurodivergent" (a word coined by Kassiane Asasumasu from <a href="http://timetolisten.blogspot.com.au/">Radical Neurodivergence Speaking</a>); I see that people are comfortably understanding that autistic children have barriers in front of them <i>whether they are called autistic or not, </i>and that it is a fair option to use language that helps autistic children to succeed in the world and feel comfortable in their own skin; many people are respectfully living with their neurodivergent children, whether words like neurodivergent or autistic are used at all; and heaps of families are rejecting things like Speech Therapy for "late" talkers or for children who prefer to communicate in other ways, are rejecting punishment, are rejecting shaming toward neurodivergent kids, and are rejecting disrespectful therapies which don't honour their child's natural ways of being. <br /><br />When I say all of this though, I still see near-constant ableism in alternative parenting spaces. Some of the most respected parenting writers are unashamedly ableist and dismiss the words of disabled adults quickly and brutally. I still receive unwanted messages all the time, with people telling me about their "low functioning" relative or sibling, and demanding that I answer to their anger because their ego didn't like my writing. I am constantly harassed for my beliefs still. However, </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I feel like there has been such a turnaround from where this set of beliefs used to be in the parenting sphere, and I am thrilled for that because it means that neurodivergent children are being respected, nurtured, loved, and supported - more than ever before. And I see that growing, so this is a big deal in my opinion.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifsnFEUtgT_EUsTcGPGOQNg5rNKqstQDf1J2IVzD11NuMWJt6WOqVUqKLUHOKrasiKYb5dJTH6AYR4K3KHNdTiZzSar2c4XdYPYRUtps1Ue-EOvIRqHxQCA-BNzPDI66Ap3f0heU44FB51/s1600/child+in+mud.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="960" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifsnFEUtgT_EUsTcGPGOQNg5rNKqstQDf1J2IVzD11NuMWJt6WOqVUqKLUHOKrasiKYb5dJTH6AYR4K3KHNdTiZzSar2c4XdYPYRUtps1Ue-EOvIRqHxQCA-BNzPDI66Ap3f0heU44FB51/s400/child+in+mud.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">My kids have been given the space to be their awesome autistic selves, for many years now. This is one of my kids on an empty block that was across the street from our old house. After the rain, we got the best kind of mud there! It is cool to be able to share with people that my kids are thriving with respect, and I am pleased that many parents want to respect their own neurodivergent children.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /><br />There are people who are now championing respect for neurodivergent people, who were the same people condescendingly splaining to me why I didn't know what I was saying. They are the same people who excluded me from community after community because I didn't agree with their ableist norms. They are the same people who put their own neurodivergent children onto restrictive diets and "detoxes", to try and "fix" them. They are the same people who refused to talk to me or be associated with me because of being a Proud disabled woman. They are the same women who wrote abuse to me and told me I was selfish and ignorant as to the plight of parents, and who talked about "healing" from neurodivergence - who are now gushing over my words of love for disabled children. And even when they are not the same, they are the same. They are the same privileged groups of people; the ones who stand to make a profit or a livelihood from the work of disabled writers who continue to live in poverty. They fit the same profiles, and the way they question disabled ideas in such unoriginal ways is the same (they tend to only take the most palatable ideas, you see). So many different people stand to benefit from bringing this all up now, without the risk of attack and with the benefit of the work of others behind them. This has all been spoken about by disabled parents already and we are the ones who took the fall for that. When I see people begin to write about the things we already put all the hard work into, and when they don't mention us at all, I get wary. What is their motive? Why are they not sharing the work of disabled parents? Why are they suddenly so interested in this topic, but without being willing to research its history?</span><br />
<br style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;" />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">We have successfully begun to move on to discussing </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">how </i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">to respect disabled kids, instead of </span><i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">whether </i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">to respect them. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And while I am absolutely glad that neurodivergent kids will benefit from this, it is noteworthy that I cannot trust many of the people talking about this and garnering widespread praise for it. Because, while norms will change over time and while writing and speaking about something persistently will gradually impact upon people (Yay!), ableism is still there - just in new ways. <br /><br />Maybe it is in the people who write about peace for neurodivergent kids, while simultaneously bullying and attacking neurodivergent adults. Maybe it is in the Peaceful Parenting crowds raving about Vaxxed without even knowing about what happened to Alex Spourdalakis. Maybe it is in the people using "neurodivergent" while actually meaning only the neurodivergent people who don't seem too disabled, or only the Gifted ones. Maybe it is in the people who say they "look on the bright side" and "believe in positivity", because they have completely misunderstood the whole thing and see disability as something to overcome. Maybe it is in the parents who share "stories of hope" of how their child didn't talk at all for five years, and now speak great! (What if that hadn't happened? Would your respect have been wasted, then?). Maybe it is in the conference organisers and magazine editors who <i>still </i>do not invite disabled speakers and contributors aboard, but instead now hire people who parrot their words and piggyback off of their work. (Hello! I am right here; why am I not being hired for this work?). Maybe it is in the writers who cherry pick from the work of dedicated disabled activists, to produce work that seems radical and cutting edge, while never crediting the original writers or the people who spoke about these ideas. Maybe it is in the way that disabled writers and speakers struggle to make money for their work, no matter how sought after it gets - because our labour is seen as a gift and noone offers to reimburse us for our time. Maybe it is in the entitlement the non disabled seem to have in demanding emotional labour from disabled people, and in the belief that we are there to answer all their questions and educate them for free! <br /><br />No matter how far we have come, I can still see this insidious ableism here. I believe we need to be aware of it, and be careful, as we drift into a new era of writing and respect for neurodivergent children and families. For in this new area, is profit, fame for some, and invitations to speak and write in respected places. Ableism is not gone yet, however many people have learned how to use it for their own gains. It has become trendy to express respect for neurodivergent people. What still isn't trendy though, is actually doing that.<br /><br />When I began writing this post, I wasn't too sure how I was going to communicate all this, and I am still not sure I have done a good job! My aim in writing this was to point out that ableism isn't gone at all, and it remains disguised in all kinds of places (as always). I think the <i>way </i>it is disguised, has changed. I think we need to look closely at places that seem to be swallowing up big theories and ideas, and churning out cute ideas about neurodivergent kids. Something isn't right there. I think we have a new future of ableism in front of us, in these peaceful communities that used to be so hateful and toxic. I think the hate and toxicity is still there, only now many have realised that it is profitable to speak about neurodivergence. And I question where this was when it wasn't profitable or popular, but just the right thing to do. Where was all the support back then? And, why is it suddenly trendy now?<br /><br /><br />**********************************************************<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-size: large;">Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/suburbanmamma">on Facebook.</a></span></span><br />
<h5 class="_5pbw _5vra" data-ft="{"tn":"C"}" id="js_2nq" style="background-color: white; color: #1d2129; font-family: Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14px; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1.38; margin: 0px 0px 2px; padding: 0px 22px 0px 0px;">
</h5>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-68796467284983927112017-10-08T23:10:00.003-07:002022-08-28T23:30:29.704-07:00Grief isn't "natural" - it's a product of ableism.<br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">In communities of parents of disabled kids (and sometimes adults), there is a tendency to see disability as inherently problematic, tragic, and disappointing. I have observed that this belief is held by most parents of non-disabled children too, and also by many childless people. It is held by teachers and other educators, childcare staff, medical professionals, and by many groups of people who are frequently making important decisions in the lives of disabled people.</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Because of the current social nature of ableism (that it is accepted, and generally assumed to be not worthy of analysis or critique) these harmful and toxic beliefs usually remain unquestioned. The way they are tied to messages and systems all around tends to remain invisible. But if we do not see how ableism is everywhere, how can we see it accurately at all? That is what makes it so sneaky and effective; the way it sits near us everywhere we go, camouflaged into its surroundings. </span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">How can we know what damage it has done when we don't even notice it there? How can we even see it clearly when it has been there for so long that we have all confused it for the furniture?</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">A common way to describe a child's identification as disabled, in ableist systems and communities, is "grieving". "Grief", is seen as this unavoidable, understandable, normal, healthy, inherent thing when someone realises they have a disabled child. (Please note that this post is about parents relating to their child's disability, not disabled people reacting to the news of their own disability).</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">I have heard people explain away abuse directed at me by parents of disabled kids with <i>"Oh they probably only just found out and were/are grieving."</i></span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">I have heard groups of carers say it is "necessary" to grieve. I have heard it said that the parents who say they do not grieve for their living disabled child, are "lying" or "in denial". Grief is seen as inseparable from parenting a disabled child. </span><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">It is generally seen as needed, healthy, and inescapable.</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Because we assume disability to be inherently tragic and terrible, people likening having a disabled child to having a dead child, is seen as natural and healthy. But when we look closer at the systems that nurture and cheer on ableism, I think it becomes apparent that grief is not innate or a given; but just another product of seeing disabled children as less than, as less desirable than the non-disabled ones, and as People Gone Wrong.</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj43SB7ElNQUzO4GMGu2denv4E_9V2kgx1976FpTLhceTebwT0-9eqvwdkSzVusaYvh1ep9u2V6O1XX7cHT6-5SzBPoDKYV26Nqly1rRLntwyF5G2wsx92r9b-Ak66mlzUlWYxL23oemoha/s1600/alex+cropped.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1401" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj43SB7ElNQUzO4GMGu2denv4E_9V2kgx1976FpTLhceTebwT0-9eqvwdkSzVusaYvh1ep9u2V6O1XX7cHT6-5SzBPoDKYV26Nqly1rRLntwyF5G2wsx92r9b-Ak66mlzUlWYxL23oemoha/s400/alex+cropped.jpg" width="350" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">I was three years old in this photo. I still have that woolen vest with the butterflies on it. Nobody ever told me directly that I was disabled when I was a child ( However I did get called "stupid" very often, people would ask me what was wrong with me a lot, and I was regularly referred to as "not right"). Not knowing I was disabled didn't prevent ableism from stomping all over my life. I felt like I was inherently wrong from a very young age.</span><br />
<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br />(I ran this article past a friend before publishing it, and she pointed out to me that there may be different ways to talk about "grieving". So I would also like to say at this point that feeling empathy or sympathy for your childrens' struggles, pain, or medical needs is not what I am talking about here. Those things can also be done in ableist ways, and very often are - I hear regularly for instance, <i>"I just don't want to see him struggle"</i> as an excuse for teaching internalised ableism or as a cop-out for ableist behaviour - however I don't believe that feeling compassion toward your children, thinking about things from their perspective and hence feeling conflicting things about that, is necessarily inherently problematic or ableist).</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">When I say all this, I am not attempting to police the emotions of others. I am not expecting that everyone can suddenly quit being ableist and smash ableist systems, just from knowing they are there. I am not saying that anyone is necessarily good or bad for feeling something. What I am saying though, is that grieving for your living child is a product of ableism and a product of hatred of the disabled. It is not innate and I also don't believe it is a healthy thing for families and the disabled people within those families. Feelings about disabled children don't exist from within a vacuum, but from within a society that devalues them from birth and that teaches others to do the same.</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">We already receive the message that society considers us defective, doesn't want us, and that we are an inconvenience to everyone. Why would it be good for disabled people to hear how disappointed our parents are with us? Why would it feel good or be helpful, to have our lives held up next to a dead person's and contrasted for similarities? Messages that their lives are inherently less worthy than those of their non disabled peers, are something that disabled children are likely to hear for the rest of their lives (and unfortunately probably have already heard, realised, seen, or learned). Why would we begin that at home, in the place where most children get to be loved and comfortable and accepted?</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjySPMXa_YkSjKdHHIhV9pLmHWdobDGuWCevdwB5keAd3srG6GHKJ1QQqH2ClMsY4R5zQnAp1_6O-rMRhN81cKrzLwz6GYdWEALLHlIM73lrnn6sb1ESoVli9kOeHwxXT9K7U-ntWkF4e4S/s1600/IMG_8683.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjySPMXa_YkSjKdHHIhV9pLmHWdobDGuWCevdwB5keAd3srG6GHKJ1QQqH2ClMsY4R5zQnAp1_6O-rMRhN81cKrzLwz6GYdWEALLHlIM73lrnn6sb1ESoVli9kOeHwxXT9K7U-ntWkF4e4S/s400/IMG_8683.JPG" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">This is me as a four year old. Around this age is when I went to dance class. I hadn't learned any of the routines by the end of the term. I pulled out of the end of term concert at the last minute because I had realised that I was the only one who didn't know what to do. Many adults tried to convince me I did know what to do and I was just experiencing "stage fright". I legitimately did not know what to do.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">There is also an entitlement mentality around this "grief", that illuminates more ableism and its outcomes. Parents feel entitled to a non-disabled child, and they feel entitled to invade their child's privacy and ignore their feelings and rights; in order to complain about what they didn't get. It is one thing to feel grief, and another thing entirely to put that up for show because you know everyone will sympathise with you and ignore the perspective of the living person being grieved for. This proud, loud grieving is enabled by ableism. </span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIRNYVVcoJzUxsv_e76iP6Xp_ytJ2kXbpQmI1Hw6PxAYmOXDQZ1G89PLlBba6-xiyx3wqd57mj9YraRACd7eL14z_4daBYCwjWkAokzOWxrZ2_51vao_85fLwO1oPBAM79D6EfkP5Ql76N/s1600/IMG_8681.JPG" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIRNYVVcoJzUxsv_e76iP6Xp_ytJ2kXbpQmI1Hw6PxAYmOXDQZ1G89PLlBba6-xiyx3wqd57mj9YraRACd7eL14z_4daBYCwjWkAokzOWxrZ2_51vao_85fLwO1oPBAM79D6EfkP5Ql76N/s400/IMG_8681.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Here is baby me. Most parents say that they do not want an autistic baby. I think I was cute though!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP4QIT3u8wS_uI5hGFuTiOgqf61utXsVnlWMQIU1aUtU75OG-zIkjtH1NGRwG5I_sPqOUQi22uV1ovj8QLsAUtVN1Zo-mXAMpUKTU4ZVyuyE89PztHcI2W3SaPmapaYjONLkUfh-ENNUNw/s1600/alex+preg+fab.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="309" data-original-width="206" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhP4QIT3u8wS_uI5hGFuTiOgqf61utXsVnlWMQIU1aUtU75OG-zIkjtH1NGRwG5I_sPqOUQi22uV1ovj8QLsAUtVN1Zo-mXAMpUKTU4ZVyuyE89PztHcI2W3SaPmapaYjONLkUfh-ENNUNw/s400/alex+preg+fab.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;">This is me pregnant with one of my children. I had by then discovered and embraced my own disabled identity, and was experiencing the world with new understandings about the barriers I had faced and continued to face. I felt much sadness during that pregnancy for the many times people treated me in ableist ways when I was seeking care, without them even knowing there was such a thing. This sadness, though probably more confronting to others, was much healthier for me than the confusion of other times I had come up against ableism but without knowing what it was.</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif" style="font-size: x-small;">I determined that I would help any disabled children I mothered, to know about themselves, to have role models they could relate to, and to be thrilled in their own skin. Knowledge of ableism and how it impacts upon disabled people (whether they are called such or not), is vital in allowing those things.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Parent grief is as much a product of our ableist society as filicide of disabled children is. It is not innate or unavoidable but is borne directly of systems and attitudes which tell us that disabled lives don't hold inherent value, or that they hold less inherent value than non disabled ones. If we changed those systems, our reactions to disabled kids (which often happen automatically as influenced by ableism, rather than necessarily being consciously malicious), would change too. We cannot know how things would be without ableism, because it has been everywhere for a long time. </span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">While we continue to prioritise the feelings of caregivers at the expense of the rights and needs of the disabled people they care for; we will not defeat ableism. We need a massive rethink of everything we accept about parenting disabled children. We need to hold ableism accountable for the things it is responsible for, instead of explaining away the results of it to appease our own consciences. Our disabled community members are surely worth a little bit of self reflection and discomfort.</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">***********************************************************</span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif">Find Me <a href="http://www.facebook.com/suburbanmamma">on Facebook.</a></span><br />
<span face=""verdana" , sans-serif"><br /></span>
Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-43744467902943146412017-09-21T02:18:00.001-07:002017-10-11T09:31:22.334-07:00An Easy Guide: Practical Support for neurodivergent kids.<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I write a lot about respect and human rights for neurodivergent kids. What I mean by this is that we can (and should!) respect our kids and treat them as worthy and whole people while we live alongside them. While I don't usually expressly state it, I assume that families will be supporting their children in practical ways, working with their individual strengths and weaknesses, learning about their specific skills and personality, thinking about parenting and their goals in how they parent, and using creative problem solving to help the family run smoother (just as many parents aim to do, regardless of disability). I assume as well, that they will learn about their child's disability (or disabilities) alongside learning about ableism. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I absolutely do not advocate for leaving potential family problems or needs of our kids, unaddressed - although I am often accused of this by people who think I'm saying support goes against respect for kids. While this isn't true (support for kids <i>is</i> respectful), it is indicative of a wider problem - that people do not know of non-ableist ways to support disabled kids.<br /><br />There are parents whom I have been speaking to for many years, who have been very open to learning about respect for their disabled children - but who feel that my work and words conflict with practical support, or neglect or gloss over that part of parenting a neurodivergent person. The truth is that I don't often write about practical support because that looks different in every family. Ableist therapies and wellness ideas often centre around "xyz for autism" which is ridiculous because autistic people aren't a homogeneous </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">group with identical needs. This is a major reason why I haven't often shared practical ideas for helping our neurodivergent kids - I know that these kinds of ideas are frequently applied in rigid and ableist ways as "support for autism". Many people talk to pathology-paradigm therapists and wellness providers as well as talking to people like me, but unfortunately those things do not mix. People who have rigid ideas about 'kids with autism' will undermine your relationship with your child and their ability to advocate for themselves and have a respected childhood. One thing will actively undermine the other.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So, having said all that, I will now list six umbrella ideas for practical support for neurodivergent kids! (This is not an exhaustive list by any means). I intend for this list to be used as an Easy Guide for supporting neurodivergent kids. These things are also Neurodiversity Paradigm friendly.<br /><br />Each of these areas are things that would help most kids to thrive if they are thought about and explored within families. However, for neurodivergent kids, <i>how </i>to meet their needs from this list may be harder for many people. The specific ways these needs play out might be unexpected. Visiting the child health nurse with a neurodivergent toddler for instance, usually just confuses the health nurse and often leads to them recommending things that are totally at odds with your child's actual needs. I have noticed that many parents successfully identify areas of support, but then flounder as they think about how to address those. There is usually no shortage of advice for people with neurodivergent kids, but there may be nothing if you aim to be compassionate and with respectful toward your child as a disabled person. So, while these topics listed may seem obvious, I encourage you to explore how each of these may apply to your individual child - and think about possible ideas for how you could improve their lives by supporting them in these ways.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">My future posts will explore these ideas in more depth - one idea per post.<br /><br />Here is the list,<br /><br /><b>1: Sensory needs!</b> <br /><br />When I meet kids who need a lot of movement to thrive, I am particularly interested in helping them because I know that often these are the kids whose parents don't get it. People talk about noise cancelling headphones or cutting tags off clothing, but don't understand needing to move a lot. When I explain a little about physical needs and suggest giving their child more opportunities for movement, they often say things to me like "We went to three different places yesterday and they still didn't go to sleep until midnight!", or "I took them for a walk today for half an hour and they are still jumping on the couch", and "We just spent two hours at the park" with the implication that this should be enough physical play. I have noticed that they often misunderstand me completely and are hugely underestimating what it means to have atypical movement needs. A thirty minute walk is not necessarily anything extraordinary or unusual, and that is not an example of accommodating for atypical movement needs. Three outings, with a bunch of driving, standing in lines, and probably sitting down to eat and do other things - won't cut it either. And a park probably gives a very narrow range of options - is there heavy lifting for instance? A chance to swing in big ways? Places to put your hands all over something rough? All sensory play is not the same.<br /><br />Parents are usually aware that their child is neurodivergent but sometimes are not realising that this means their physical systems will be divergent from typical. Parents, while knowing that their child needs unusual things to thrive, still very often think within a box that is about typical child development.<br /><br />Other people may have various different sensory needs, from different places or categories. If a kid hates loud noise for instance, that doesn't automatically make them a "sensory avoider" (one of those rigid categories that is ridiculous and misleading). That makes them someone who does not like loud noises. Someone may dislike bright light but love being underwater. They may enjoy eating a diverse array of textures but dislike touching specific textures. That is because individuals are complex; we can have heaps of different needs at the same time. This is just as true for neurodivergent people as it is for neurotypical people. Thinking about <i>an individual, </i>and what helps them to thrive, is what is needed for sensory support. And get your thoughts out of the typical child development box!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBeFpYCv0DpVlWevSBo0YJs2qZEx_hsgCGYP5dGCp1VoO1liOC6DicNi4CImTXCszPGukV_uYBcC33uQ9STvRRpf6ziaRRQBm82S768OVKsyNvCr3MH50R-w6vR38puh3a9o5Bb72_S4UK/s1600/IMG_6525.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBeFpYCv0DpVlWevSBo0YJs2qZEx_hsgCGYP5dGCp1VoO1liOC6DicNi4CImTXCszPGukV_uYBcC33uQ9STvRRpf6ziaRRQBm82S768OVKsyNvCr3MH50R-w6vR38puh3a9o5Bb72_S4UK/s640/IMG_6525.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">I am an autistic person who needs a lot of physical movement, and this has shocked people over the years. I remember the first long-distance running race I ran (and won) as an eight year old. I fell over at the start, stood around confused for a while, then ran along on the track without really understanding that this was a race. I passed everyone easily because moving and running was perfectly natural and normal for me. This is a very strong memory because all the subsequent praise that was lumped upon me felt unfair - I hadn't tried particularly hard. This was just a part of how I moved. I maintain high levels of fitness now, due to seeking out physical things very often and because I just seem to thrive doing that. <br /><br />When I had babies, everyone told me to rest and that I was "doing too much" or "refusing to rest and recover". I was told that a lot of rest was "natural" for new mothers. I am sure this was well meaning, but this advice was in opposition to my needs, not in support of them! At times when I have been unable to access the level of movement I seek (this has happened before due to birth and pregnancy injury, pregnancy illness, poverty-related hunger and fatigue, inaccessibility in terms of finding shoes and suitable clothing, and sickness), I have struggled. Thankfully, even when people have tried to stop me moving or shamed me for needing movement, I seem to have remained aware enough of my own needs that I have mostly ignored them. This has greatly assisted in my happiness in adulthood. </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrnBTngQeefJQkHlePxOZ4OazxtVHRq_p8hEkxkJuVkevAiewE1ttuD3ZKiWc1jCDX80MAOWBwlZNnBrgxEil9WRMQvOxIs-_KzkZseyqgK6xkFKa1sGujiP4evDMhMEIP4Aqcwpg-_Qq-/s1600/f+clasping+jar.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="425" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrnBTngQeefJQkHlePxOZ4OazxtVHRq_p8hEkxkJuVkevAiewE1ttuD3ZKiWc1jCDX80MAOWBwlZNnBrgxEil9WRMQvOxIs-_KzkZseyqgK6xkFKa1sGujiP4evDMhMEIP4Aqcwpg-_Qq-/s640/f+clasping+jar.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">My kids have loved a lot of hands-on, messy, play. I have met other autistic kids who do not enjoy playing like this but who use their hands in less messy play situations. Neither is more legitimate than the other,and whatever our kids like to do we can help them do this and meet their sensory needs.</span><br />
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-size: medium;"><br /></span>
</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>2: Communication. </b>There are so many possible ways to communicate, and we can do a lot to support the person communicating. Unfortunately, a lot of focus goes toward trying to force neurodivergent people to communicate in the ways preferred by neurotypical people. This is not only disrespectful, it doesn't support communication and it doesn't support people to communicate comfortably. In a playgroup that my family used to attend, parents would deliberately force their autistic children to use verbal communication. This was despite knowing of other options and despite knowing that their child preferred these other options. They chose for their children to not have adequate ways to communicate (hoping that it would force them to use speech), rather than looking into other ways for their child to communicate with others and for them to communicate better with their child. This actually sacrificed communication ability, because it was honing in on something that wasn't right for their child. It was also effectively teaching their child that it didn't matter if their thoughts couldn't be heard, as long as they were acting less disabled.<br /><br />Sign language, AAC, being aware of auditory processing differences, and so many other things; could be thought about. Not many children will feel their best if they do not have reliable means to being understood, and if they cannot express their thoughts fluently.</span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>3: Sleep support</b>. If kids have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep, there are many possible, respectful ways to address that. This could include routines; bedtime activities; keeping track of possible other unmet needs; thinking about stress or anxiety in their life; thinking about movement; thinking about their personal sleep and wake rhythms; considering that they may have different sleep needs to you; and working on unique, tailored, creative sleeping spaces. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxBfDQ9EbNcpxBm7rOR99pj_65UDYvDzDvtzEnLR2yKFfsFeUEsVUx_ZcDOv6WEoSIVCCEM2u2ZxLGKehFKTtHkSfZ6Yv02gv64NbegiS4nB8Wx1YuTDSBzvzB9hNdtQAyJpbz2YT25S67/s1600/fam+bed+book.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1288" data-original-width="1600" height="514" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxBfDQ9EbNcpxBm7rOR99pj_65UDYvDzDvtzEnLR2yKFfsFeUEsVUx_ZcDOv6WEoSIVCCEM2u2ZxLGKehFKTtHkSfZ6Yv02gv64NbegiS4nB8Wx1YuTDSBzvzB9hNdtQAyJpbz2YT25S67/s640/fam+bed+book.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">My family has had a variety of sleeping situations and dynamics over the years, as new children were welcomed into the family, as our kids have grown, and as our kids have had different or changing needs. This picture shows our current set-up which has worked for us for many years now - a Family Bed. Myself and my children sleep in the same room, with beds pushed together so we are near one another. </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /><br /><b>4: Finding the right foods for your kid, while also providing opportunities for the nutrients they need to thrive. </b>If your kid has quite selective taste preferences, this does not mean it is impossible to find foods to suit them. <br /><br />Respectful food discussion for neurodivergent kids can be very hard to find because the topic is often surrounded by ableism and ideas about 'healing'. However, food could be explored in kind and respectful ways.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br />Nutritional supplements could fall under this heading as well. Supplements can make a big difference to any child who may have gaps in their nutrition, and this includes neurodivergent children. This is a really big area, with so many different kinds of supplements available. Many nutritional supplements on the market could be unhelpful, could cause more problems than they solve, could taste terrible, could be marketed well but not be very useful, could be expensive, could be inaccessible for other reasons, could be ableist and market themselves as such, or could be making assumptions about what neurodivergent kids need which would fail because neurodivergent people don't all match one another in that sense. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">These are hurdles, however I think this is an area worth looking into as anyone will do better when they get to eat food they like eating, and when their bodies have been provided with nutrients that suit them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj44JXoi4hR73VGCJrwEDsR3dy-R7JaKniRf8cquYEm8hVZOy01IKzzceqbDqNn4773ozn1FAcxUogL-6Scg3wKiLkUnulk9Dh0tcmTFhllyiRftCLrUkVBNN3NxPE1NUMY8ctbO56fNbvD/s1600/IMG_6298.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj44JXoi4hR73VGCJrwEDsR3dy-R7JaKniRf8cquYEm8hVZOy01IKzzceqbDqNn4773ozn1FAcxUogL-6Scg3wKiLkUnulk9Dh0tcmTFhllyiRftCLrUkVBNN3NxPE1NUMY8ctbO56fNbvD/s640/IMG_6298.JPG" width="640" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">This is one of my children checking out a broccoli plant! They were so excited when we began speaking about where fruit and vegetables come from, and gardening has been a lot of fun for this child. They have also seen fruit trees, other vegetables growing, and have helped care for vegetable plants knowing that soon we would see food growing there. </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>5: Friendships.</b> Support with friendships, is something parents can do. We can do this with all children in fact, neurodivergent or not. Many people seem to think we would either teach our neurodivergent kids that they are less-than and socialise 'wrong', with such ideas as putting them into social skills classes or printing ableist, pathology-laden social stories from online - or, do nothing to help them. Truthfully, we can talk to our kids about what they would like support with and we can help them find and build friendships in ways they prefer. They may not want much support, they may appreciate us facilitating play opportunities while with friends, they may like help with finding friends with similar interests, they may want help with verbalising accommodation needs or explaining their disability to others, they may want access to disability communities and disabled people (and they would probably benefit from knowing about that option!). There are a lot of ways in which they may appreciate our support, and there are respectful, non ableist ways to do that.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVK2Q2mhjAg5lyPhX0SGZA34LrvHhABQSEJv_hOBWI-ddOPsI70yRJqD6tTVYeaXtomRgwFKyQKse6gHe5x4CZdpTTjiOXSNGXTPlBInpTLzhEJ_LaxnSMXDZTorRsUDi4sBQ88DfraLg4/s1600/IMG_7159.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVK2Q2mhjAg5lyPhX0SGZA34LrvHhABQSEJv_hOBWI-ddOPsI70yRJqD6tTVYeaXtomRgwFKyQKse6gHe5x4CZdpTTjiOXSNGXTPlBInpTLzhEJ_LaxnSMXDZTorRsUDi4sBQ88DfraLg4/s640/IMG_7159.JPG" width="426" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">I often kindly and respectfully support my children in social situations, without believing them to be incompetent at socialising and without believing that they have a social or empathy deficit. I seek their input in what support they would appreciate, I point things out when I feel it would benefit them to receive that information, and I facilitate within their relationships. </span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b><br /></b></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>6: Hobbies and pursuing interests.</b> Many parents get told that their child's interests are "obsessions" and are problematic. They aren't! Interests are how children naturally learn, without being forced, without dragging their feet because someone else told them they had to do something for certain skills, and that naturally lead to other areas of learning. They provide ways for us to connect with our kids, ways for our kids to connect with others, ways for others to connect with them, and infinite learning trails and paths into future new interests. Many people seem unsure as to <i>how </i>to support their kids' interests, and often unintentionally (or intentionally) give their kids the impression that they don't support what they are doing, or that their fun stuff isn't "real learning". True support for our kids' interests, is a practical and easy way to support them and to help the whole family to be happier and more connected.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0a0YmgiRfjyl_J2UpkUC1x-0s2r-Q-TVdF5ZeqlLPsauhHBThCPl1sMkWH5_yqvGr1Y2YteijjKUDc2LjPAWDZAX3uK5tmjNHeP7oj89PYOdJft5ymdL67OSvgUvxnRIWgVndvcqcrbZN/s1600/village.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1006" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0a0YmgiRfjyl_J2UpkUC1x-0s2r-Q-TVdF5ZeqlLPsauhHBThCPl1sMkWH5_yqvGr1Y2YteijjKUDc2LjPAWDZAX3uK5tmjNHeP7oj89PYOdJft5ymdL67OSvgUvxnRIWgVndvcqcrbZN/s400/village.jpg" width="251" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div style="font-size: 12.8px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">This is my daughter putting toy animals into her Animal City. The tall dollhouse seen in the background was gifted to her by a generous family friend who supported her interest in imaginary play. She has many other buildings that make up the City, and these are placed around our garden. My daughter chooses to do imaginary play a lot of the time and we have never tried to put a stop to, or reduce, that. </span></div>
<div style="font-size: 12.8px;">
<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;"><br />Coincidentally, she is also wearing her DanTDM shirt in this photo, which is another interest we have happily and lovingly supported. He is coming to Australia on tour soon and I am taking my older children to see his show.</span></div>
</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /><br />I hope you can get some ideas for practical, respectful support possibilities from that list. My next few posts will be about the things in that list, so those will provide some further ideas for support too.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-410168708493500528.post-10877063111613397992017-09-08T04:50:00.000-07:002017-09-08T17:38:43.689-07:00Is it worth it? <span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /><br />We live in a time when many people care more about outcomes than about factors surrounding these outcomes. I don't know why this has come about but I remember this happening in my family and sometimes at school when I was a kid, and slowly becoming more widespread. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">How this plays out in parenting, is that parents have goals in mind and these goals seem to become so important to them that they fail to investigate other, possibly more important things. Such as how their child feels about this outcome, how their child feels about the parent's chosen process to reach the outcome, what negative effects there are surrounding that process, and whether other parts of their child's development (such as play, freedom, autonomy, and happiness) have been met or whether they have been actively devalued or prevented in pursuit of said outcome. I feel like this is important and a problem because I do not believe that these outcomes (which are held up as needed at this time in the social sphere of parenting) are worth the things our kids often miss out on as a result. They aren't worth the side effects either.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If we want our children to eat all their dinner for instance, is coercing them into doing that and causing stress worth that goal? Isn't our child being calm when eating, more valuable than how much they eat? If we try to manipulate them into eating by offering dessert or some other reward, we have encouraged them to ignore their body cues. Isn't being in tune with one's own body and making choices that feel comfortable in our bodies, more important than whether we ate an amount determined by someone in a different body?</span><br />
<div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If our child is learning to read and we have anxiety around this skill, we may be upset at perceived slow progress. We may become frustrated and our child could feel pressure and/or shame. Whether this led to improved reading skills or not; isn't our child's learning process </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">more important than any one skill? </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Isn't it better to feel relaxed and to self-celebrate? Wouldn't it be preferable to learn to read a bit later with those things protected, and with joy remaining? Is learning to read at a specific time, more valuable than happiness and being able to enjoy reading? Is shame a suitable price to pay for learning to read? </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br />Is feeling powerless and unsupported worth any goal we may have for our kids' lives? What about feeling burning rage because of a perceived injustice that we cannot fix? How about sadness or feeling like people don't listen to you? What about fear, or high anxiety? What about developing anxiety around something because someone else doesn't like something you do and you know they might take it away? What about shame that doesn't leave, because you are told your interests are bad and that feels like you are bad? <br /><br />I think these scenarios are common for children, and I ask again - is any outcome worth these side effects? </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Are the fractures we create in our relationships with our kids when we set ourselves up as their adversary, worth the reasons we did that for? Is this crushing of our kids' freedoms and play, worth it for our goals?</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The examples of toileting, "independence", separation anxiety, "junk" food, baby sleep, and bed time, come to mind quickly for me as being very common times when parents seem to worry to an excessive level, meaning fear can take over and they may become less in tune with their child's actual, wider, and longer term needs.</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">In a paradigm that places heavy emphasis on outcomes, we are likely to forget to do a cost assessment. I don't think these outcomes are as important as many believe they are. There are so many things that are important for our kids. Freedom, happiness, peace, autonomy, choices, and feeling respected - should not be glibly traded in. There would be a cost to this, and that cost is harmful.<br /><br />I want to offer five ideas for overcoming a hyperfocus on outcomes, if you struggle with this. You may be able to come up with your own ideas for your family as well.<br /><br /><b>1: Remember that parenting is so social and cultural.</b> Something you feel is important now, was probably not considered important 50 years ago. Some things that were important 50 years ago - not so much, now. And there will be things that will no longer be on the radar 50 years from now. In many ways this is nice because we can grow and change, but not all social messages and current ideas help our children and our families. You can discard things that don't serve you and see them as the social belief they are, rather than as some universal parenting fact. People in other parts of the world to you, or who practice different cultures to you, will also have different ideas than the ones that seem so central to you. I think it's a bit like looking up at the stars and realising how insignificant we are! Our own parenting beliefs aren't the centre of the universe.<br /><br /><b>2: Our kids need us!</b> If we aren't going to show them that their autonomy and happiness is important; who else will they learn this from?<br /><br /><b>3: Childhood is a magical, fleeting window in our life.</b> Why would we mess with that if we don't have to? We only get one childhood and it is important on its own, not just as a pathway to adulthood.<br /><br /><b>4: Many skills </b></span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><b>are not minor and are hugely important to our kids</b>. These include</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> physical skills, creativity, dealing with the unexpected, working out problems with others, finding solutions to things, managing and experiencing a range of emotions, feeling competent, experiencing language, and knowing how to be content with ourselves. Neglecting these skills is not helpful anyway, even if we think we achieved something else by doing so.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /><b>5: Think about how it feels to be your child.</b> Imagine the stress or confusion they may be feeling at us imposing our goals onto them. I didn't like it at all as a child - it happened to me a lot. It was very upsetting and stressful and those feelings have stayed with me and have been unhelpful in my adult life. If we can imagine how it may feel to be our child, so reliant on us, we can learn to be kinder and think harder before putting heavy expectations onto them.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3wYq8hT0-KLFR9ZdHVsVroJEaLy8Ss65TLJNtv8f3SbjK10BsMEcWEW2eBGORyMH0kIzTL2Q5ndF0-bMOP8AsMRmOdLF-lyVmJf4n858bIXDY0zBr7LtBTzjAi20QbBPDiXhKO3l7upK5/s1600/IMG_4348.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="1600" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3wYq8hT0-KLFR9ZdHVsVroJEaLy8Ss65TLJNtv8f3SbjK10BsMEcWEW2eBGORyMH0kIzTL2Q5ndF0-bMOP8AsMRmOdLF-lyVmJf4n858bIXDY0zBr7LtBTzjAi20QbBPDiXhKO3l7upK5/s400/IMG_4348.JPG" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">My daughter loves playing with soft toys, her Plasticine creations, and duplo. <br />Life too short to not play!</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">All the best of luck with this in your own lives with your beautiful children!</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">**********************************************************</span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Find Me</span> <a href="http://www.facebook.com/suburbanmamma">on Facebook</a>.</span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Ally Gracehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07862259140856413009noreply@blogger.com0